Sometimes I just want to lie down and die.
But they won't let me.
Well, there's a reason for that.
I guess it was kinda my fault after all.
It always is.
——————
I snoozed the alarm for the fifth time and my Mom knocked on the door - ever so gently - again for… I forgot how many times.
"Yejin, dear. You are going to be late."
Not that I care. But she cares. A lot.
I sighed and got up from my bed, only to slowly slip down the edge of it to the floor like melted cheese dripping down from a toast.
I once had a dream I was a piece of cheese stuck on an oven once. Really.
I couldn't move for the whole night. Couldn't do anything, couldn't say anything - just stuck there feeling miserable for hours on end until the morning alarm rescued me.
Oh how I longed for those days.
Ironic, isn't it?
Things weren't so different at school before. I sat by the window, almost at the last row although I was pretty damn short. The RNG God just wanted it to be that way. The boy that sat in front of me was so huge I struggled to see the board at the front of the classroom, although it did have some benefit in that I could sleep through the class without getting caught. Every now and then.
I was a loner.
I have always been, and I thought I would always be.
:Knock, Knock:
"Dear, I'm coming in."
My Mom didn't used to be this kind either. Quite the contrary actually. My elder brother was the Golden Child and I was always the awkward one around the dinner table. The only times I got attention was when my exam results came out from school, which usually led to stern telling off from my Dad that quickly escalated into a hairdryer treatment.
What was all that for? Like that was ever going to help an unmotivated and incompetent child with no confidence to perform any better.
I sucked at pretty much anything I tried. I was always the odd one that gets left out in PE when people picked teams. Sometimes I felt like the teachers did that just to make me suffer, to put me in my place.
As my thoughts drifted between past and the present, I dragged the blanket off my bed and wrapped myself with it on the floor like a seaweed roll.
My Mom finally came into my room and she knelt next to me, gently whispering,
"Sweetie, you must be so tired from studying so hard. But I've already let you sleep for extra fifteen minutes today. Could you please get up now or do you want me to carry you downstairs?"
Aw, cringe. I don't want that. I was slowly getting used to this princess treatment but this was pushing it.
"Right, Mom. I'll get up now."
I finally gave up and rolled myself out of the blanket Kimbap. My Mom, ever so kind again, helped me get up, brought out my school uniforms and laid them out on the bed for me.
"Should I help you get dressed?"
She asked. Sincerely.
"It's OK. I'm not a child."
"But Yejin, you will always be my baby."
With that, she bent down and gently kissed me on the top of my head.
Whatever.
I shooed her away and started to get dressed. It was already 8:15. My school was only twenty minutes walk away but the morning homeroom class started at 8:30. I was going to be late for sure.
Not that it mattered in my current state.
Before things changed, I was always so anxious about being late for school. Entering the classroom late would draw the attention of the whole class and I'd be reprimanded in front of everyone. That was just way too much public shame for me to bear. It happened once earlier in the year and I was mortified and my toes were curling up in shame in my shoes.
Things were different now though, so I just took my time getting dressed. As I went downstairs and headed to the door, Mom brought a cheese on toast and handed it over to me.
"Eat this on the way. You shouldn't skip breakfast."
"Gees, thanks Mom."
Well, at least this part of the change in my life wasn't something I was unhappy about.
The streets were mostly empty and quiet as I sluggishly dragged my feet to school, with the toast dangling on my mouth.
"Good morning, Yejin!" Said the neighbor granny as we met at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the green light.
"Good morning."
"It seems you are late again, haha. At least you are not skipping breakfast. You shouldn't skip breakfast!"
What's up with old people and breakfast?
"Here, have some candies."
The granny fished out a few candies in colorful wrappers and placed them in my hand.
"Thank you."
The light changed, and as I often do, I helped her cross the road.
"You are such a kind and sweet girl, Yejin. I wish I had a grand daughter like you."
Her face was full of smiles. If this was the first time I might have blushed, but it has been happening all too frequently these days I started to suspect that maybe she intentionally waited for me at the crossing to give me candies every morning.
"You say such nice things. Thank you grandma."
She said nothing, but gave a firm squeeze on my hand to say good bye and walked away.
This granny wasn't always kind to me though, to the extent that I used to think she was just miserable old lady who hated everything and everyone. It's only recently that I got to learn that she was actually very kind and generous at heart. It's just that such generosity was never directed at me before.
I arrived at the classroom around 8:50 - twenty minutes late. I took in a deep breath before opening the door.
Well, here I go again.
As soon as I slid the door open, as expected, everyone's eyes found me.
"Good morning, Yejin!"
"Haha, late again! You are such a klutz!"
"That's kinda cute though, right?"
Yup.
Somehow I'm cute now.
No matter what I do.
"How are you this morning, Yejin? Don't push yourself too hard."
Even the teacher did not scold me.
I'm not pushing myself for anything at all.
I was just reading some web novels last night - well, actually until this morning because when I fell asleep with my phone in my hand I think it was around 4 AM. But these novels were getting less and less fun for me. They used to be source of my fantasy, kind of vicarious happiness, but now I was actually living the dream myself.
Supposedly.
I just smiled to everyone (I'm still impressed at myself that I can pull this off now), bowed slightly to apologize to the teacher and headed toward my seat at the back.
"Right, now that Yejin is here, we can start the Class Rep voting."
What the hell…?!
Everyone looked at me as soon as the teacher announced. It's April now so yeah, it was about the time that class representatives are elected. Never in my wild dreams have I imagined before that I'd become one. But now… it was inevitable that I'd be picked.
Oh God…
Sometimes I just want to lie down and die.
But they won't let me.