Mama is never coming back.
I know that.
No matter how much the adults spin their words, smile, and tell me something about her going somewhere, being in a better place, I knew they were just lying because they thought they couldn't tell me the truth.
Mama had left us.
I still don't understand why
Was it because I didn't listen to daddy's words?
Because I made mama work harder? But mama herself said that she loved doing those with me
That she loved spending time with me so how could it be my fault?
The adults don't know anything!
Daddy doesn't know anything!
Everything has changed since mama left,
Daddy doesn't speak much during meals anymore, he isn't as jumpy anymore, nor does he wear that frown he always does when nagging mama while watching her eat, but despite his frown he'd always smile when he looked at her, I'd always get embarrassed because of that, even the sisters would always giggle to themselves in secret in those moments
But now he doesn't anymore, his eyes still shift towards the empty chair, we still leave a plate for her but no one sits there, his eyes have lost focus, and his face has grown more weary.
He doesn't walk around the yard anymore like when he used to when me and mama played together on snow.
Instead, he almost lives inside his study when he's not with other villagers or strangers. The brothers and sisters mutter about him in worry but they don't say anything to his face.
I wanted to talk to him
But his eyes merely pass over me now, it's a strange feeling.
Talking to him felt difficult for the first time.
I forgot how we used to be before mama left.
Daddy's words have grown shorter, before, he used to answer in longer words, he used to look at me, smiling while picking me up but now he only nods sometimes while answering only yes or no from time to time
I also never asked him to play with me anymore
The grandmas would sometimes come to play with me, bringing their many jewelleries and pins. I used to find them pretty but now I think they've lost their prettiness.
Despite my unwillingness, they come to me again and again bringing new toys and new games to play with me
But it's not fun.
Nothing is fun anymore.
I can't have fun anymore.
So when all their efforts prove to be useless, they would look amongst themselves awkwardly, they would talk to themselves with their eyes without me knowing what they were talking about, they would secretly look at each other when I refused to do something, they would shake their heads as if disappointed.
It was annoying,
So I didn't want to know what they were talking about,
If they were just going to remain silent and talk amongst themselves
With strange looks in their eyes, they would wear tired expressions, worried expressions but it only made me angrier.
I began wishing that they stop visiting me their company only made me upset
Being with them only made me realise that mama really was never coming back, it felt like they kept coming again and again just to remind me of that.
I already knew mama wasn't coming back so I didn't need them to confirm it over and over.
After a couple of months I started refusing them, I would cover myself with the covers holding the edges tightly and refusing to get up.
Sisters not knowing what to do would talk amongst themselves but give up in the end.
And soon, the grandmas visits decreased over time.
It was my way of showing that
I'd rather play with mama
But...
she no longer wanted to play with me.
Three years have passed since that day,
I still think of her every day, even if she doesn't need me anymore, I needed her very much.
I missed sleeping on her, I missed getting hugged by her, I missed the lullabies she sang for me before I slept, I missed how she'd braid my hair while humming softly.
I missed her so much, I looked for many ways to be with mama again, i wanted to be hugged once more.
Daddy doesn't hug me, and the sisters all look at me with strange eyes just like those old people outside the house.
But no matter how many clothes I pile up it's never as warm as mama, I keep piling her clothes over and over on top of each other and then sleeping on it,
But it wasn't her,
It was warm at first
but...
It only left me feeling more empty by the end.
It'll never be like mama
Even though I only used her clothes.
It was so unfair.
Everyone looks at me weird, I hate it.
Mama doesn't visit me when I sleep either, and I hate it.
Even when I slept hugging her clothes tightly just to feel the same warmth, even a little bit, just to smell the same scent just to... Hear her voice once more... I couldn't.
She must've forgotten about me now.
But I don't want her to forget me.
Just thinking about it.. makes me upset
I'm still looking for her, traces of her, her warmth, her stories, her songs, but I found none-
it made me realise just how little she left behind.
she said she would be everywhere if she left someday then why is it that I can't find her anywhere?
She probably doesn't miss me either, that's why I can't find her.
'Why can't I find her?'
I still ask this question, everyone has the same reaction when I ask this question, despite their different answers.
Some would look away awkwardly, some would put on a smile and say that she's busy somewhere else.
Others would say that she's just gone for a long long time
But everyone's face carried the same expression, and soon I would catch them looking with me with pity again shaking their head
While others look at me with those eyes daddy still looks at me with the same weary eyes he wears everyday
His hands are now wrinkled, and rougher than I remembered them but I've never held his hand since so I no longer know what they feel like.
We eat food together, but it's getting more and more annoying.
I keep going to that Mr. Tree but his petals have all fallen,
Just like mine his tears have dried up, he must miss mama as well.
So he kept crying until he no longer could--
Just like me.
He no longer had the colour that I loved so much, he doesn't glow with a soft hue when the sunlight hits anymore
The branches have dried, and the snow has settled on it as though they were one.
Mr. Tree has now left me too, no matter how many times I visit him he will no longer grow his leaves again.
He has left like mama, leaving only a frozen bone of a once blossoming tree.
Why was it that everything I love was leaving me? After mama left me I could only visit Mr. Tree but now he too had left me
Was it because of me?
I'd be better!
I wanted to scream,
But I cannot even whine about my complaints anymore, I can no longer throw a tantrum because mama will not be there to ease and console me with a smile.
So now, all that comes out are my frustrated cries
And then the sisters will come running to me again, their eyes filled with the same pity that I see every single day
I've begun to hate it--
Veryverymuch
They all act as if they can't say anything, closing their mouths with a worried expression on their face.
Their eyes following me with pitiful gaze
it's annoying
I hate their eyes fueled with selfish pity.
They only do that so that they feel better about them, who cannot do anything, and then make me out to be bad because I'm unwilling to do anything.
They act helpless, they act as if they try, they act clueless but I know, they just don't want to comfort me anymore.
They don't do anything so they say it's because they couldn't and go 'we tried the best we could'
So that they feel better about themselves, It's just a lie.
But, I didn't want to be with them either, they didn't love me like mama did
And they would never love me like she did.
I already know that.
They are only bad liars.
If they want to lie, they should at least lie better
So that I will believe them as well, that they tried their best!
That the strange looks that began replacing those pitiful gaze were only my imagination!
Adults were really difficult.
I didn't want to grow up anymore, if it meant that I'd become like them, that I would start to understand them.
I would rather stay a child.
The memories of that day are still clear,
That day was like any other, that day when mama laid on the bed sleeping forever with others whispering and shaking their heads to themselves while daddy broke down on the floor.
It was the last time I saw her.
And just like that days spent without her turned into weeks, then months then years...but I felt like I was still inside that room.
Crying as I saw daddy break down in tears.
I didn't know it then but I must've felt it then--
The day mama died. I knew deep down that she would never smile at me anymore.
I've forgotten how her hug felt, I forgot her touch except for the fact that her hands used to be cold.
I knew she wasn't like others, not like those sisters and grandmas, she was special, she was easily cold and got tired even faster than those grandmas and grandpas who looked as though they'd drop any second had much more strength than her
But I never questioned it.
I just... Accepted it for her being her
Maybe I should've questioned longer, maybe I should've asked more about it
Maybe I should've questioned daddy's words, his advice and suggestions more instead of just ignoring them
Maybe then...I could've had more time with mama, I could've...spent less time with others, maybe if I knew that I wouldn't be so eager to see that tree
I wouldn't make mama walk despite her tiredness just to see it.
Maybe then she'd have had more time.
But I didn't do that, I didn't ask anything, I didn't question anything and now my hands have dried and
I no longer cry in the dead of the night.
Some of the sisters still accompany me while I sleep but I no longer need them nor do I want them
My heart still aches but...I'll keep it as a reminder of mama
It still hurts but I started to like it.
Days and nights blurred, me and daddy have not talked with each other in a while.
I miss mama, it's lonely...
Everything feels empty
Just like...my chest
I still grip my chest from time to time. It has become my habit. It's a weird feeling... clutching my clothes along with my skin but...it's comforting somehow.
I'm sure I'll continue to feel that way till I'm grown.
But that's good.
That way it'll mean that mama will still with me in some way
Maybe the reason she isn't anywhere is because she's in my chest
That's probably also why it hurts whenever I think of mama
But it's a good kind of hurt so I've started to love it.
Searching for ways to feel her physically, I've started to sit on the corner of the walls outside, if I can't feel her warmth I'll simply search for her cold touch from the winter breeze.
And it became my comfort, the comfort her clothes couldn't provide me, the peace of mind other's company didn't give me.
No embrace no matter how tight they were couldn't comfort me, so I found ways to comfort myself
After all, no matter how much they tried they were never as warm as mama.
Hugging my knees, I stayed still in a hidden corner of the house near the yard, the people couldn't find me while the wind still could.
This way...thinking of mama didn't hurt very much.
"Hey, don't you think the little lady is being too difficult?"
I heard a voice from a distance not too far from mine,
"She doesn't even reply to us anymore, she doesn't eat any snacks she doesn't play with us no matter how much we try to cheer her up, I'm seriously getting tired"
A different voice complaint, before adding,
"She isn't the only one who is sad, look at the lord for example! The bags under his eyes have gotten so heavy, he looks tired but he still tried his best!"
A different voice then said,
"It's not like we don't understand her sadness but it's been years! Seriously, How long will she keep this up? Most of us here were sold by our parents or orphans but we don't say anything or get upset over it"
They were talking about me, the sisters, around three or four different voices could be heard, most of them were ones I was very familiar with...my chest felt stuffy but I continued to listen
Then a scoff followed right after,
"Hah! That's right, she's already growing up. She should stop dwelling on it honestly, acting like she's the only one who experiences loss of loved ones. If I'm being honest..."
"It's starting to get on my nerves" she lowered her tone when she said that.
I felt the back of my hands get wet slowly,
So they hated me...
Why couldn't they just say that if they hated being with me?
Why did they have to continue talking with me if they hated it so much?
My shoulders trembled,
But I felt wronged, it wasn't my fault I was sad, I wanted to be happy too, and if they really hated me why did they continue to be all smiling and pleasant with me?!
No one forced them to do that!
Their voices disappeared as they were called by someone, they left laughing and agreeing with each other.
My chest ached again, but it wasn't the kind that I loved.
I realised, nobody wanted me here anymore.
For the first time.
Home felt strange
Mama was gone, daddy ignored me, and the sisters...they hated me.
The people outside also probably felt the same.
If so... Why should I stay?
The stray thought crossed my mind.
Wiping my eyes, with stubborn selfish desires for the first time I left that spot.
I'm going to run away too
If they don't want me-
I don't want them either!
If mama could just leave when she wanted, why couldn't I?
I'll look for her again, maybe she's waiting somewhere for me to go and find her, like when we play hide and seek together.
Since, nobody was here to love me now that mama was gone.
Why shouldn't I leave too?
She should've taken me with her if she knew that the sisters would come to hate me.
I kept asking her to do it, whispering my request into the tree but she never answered my request!
I don't wanna stay here anymore--
So, I snuck out from the crack on the wall, I snuck out into the forest.
I ran away, as fast as I could
And I never felt so free than when I was wheezing for breath.
Before I realised it, all my voices came out as ugly cries
I did not remember the last time I cried.
So I ran and ran while screaming and crying, I hated everyone, I hated them, I imagined their happy expressions when they realised I was gone, and when thinking about how some would feel guilty or even cried as they did during mama's death it made me really happy laughing mid way with the imagination, half angry and half still upset.
Running and running, I could no longer see the village walls, only then did I stop, and as soon as my legs stopped moving they gave out strength and I fell on top of the snow.
Panting and gasping, while I choked on my tears still, I felt the urge to call out to her,
"Mama..." I mumbled,
"I miss you... " Tears fell once more
Then her voice echoed in my mind,
'when Xiaoming is sick, mama gets upset'
"I won't make you upset...I won't get sick"
I mumbled to myself, promising myself with only a broken whisper
But I knew she wouldn't answer me no matter how long I repeated those words, I knew that.
So I poured out everything at that moment, surrounded by nothing but trees covered in snow.
Then I heard a soft faint voice,
"It's okay"
A whisper inside my mind
"It's okay"
I stopped crying, but my eyes were still tears filled, I looked around, the voice wasn't mine.
Seeing no one, my heart skipped, a fleeting hope.
"M-mama?"
I called out to nothing,
"It's okay"
The voice repeated,
Finally I recognised the voice,
It was her voice!
"Mama!" I cried louder,
Gaining strength from somewhere, I stood up again.
"Mama!"
My lungs seemed to squeeze every little air as I called, my heart pounding loudly, the sound of my own heavy breaths clung to my ears
She was somewhere, she was talking to me, she finally answered me! I didn't know what sort of face I was making, but I knew I was smiling
she came back for me!
"Mama, where are you?"
Turning my head around everywhere I asked, but I still didn't see anything,
However, I could still hear her voice
"Come this way..."
Her soft words reached out to me, instructing me to find her...
"Follow my voice..."
I did.
I followed her voice, the further I went the stronger, louder and clearer her voice got.
And when I stopped walking, I found myself before a river.
It was clear with nothing inside.
But mama still couldn't be seen.
That's when I felt something odd inside my stomach.
It was when I realised.
The voice wasn't mama