Solomon sighed heavily, stretching his neck as Hansel, Gretel, and Alice frolicked in the clearing, chasing butterflies and giggling. Their ringing laughter was the only thing that kept him from screaming at the whole absurd world. He leaned against a tree, looking thoughtfully at the children, and suddenly realized: Damn, I'm a nanny now?!
The demons in his head, as always, did not miss the chance.
"Oh, young daddy!" Gremory giggled, her voice dripping with venom. "Time to buy diapers and teach bedtime stories!"
"Fuck you!" Solomon mentally roared, clenching his fists. "One more word and I'll find an exorcist! Or a holy father! I'll banish you to hell!"
The demons panicked, their voices mixing in a chaotic muttering.
"Hey, hey, don't get so worked up!" one of them pleaded. "We're useful, aren't we!"
"Useful?!" Solomon snorted. "All you do is laugh and tease! Come on, be useful, or I'll seriously run for the cross!"
The demons exchanged feverish glances (if that was even possible in his head), and then Baal, one of the smartest pillars, stepped forward. His voice was calm, but with a hint of cunning.
"Listen, Solomon, we're somewhere in the area of Great Britain. Or something like that. They say Merlin lives here. The legendary mage, the tower, all that. You can ask him for shelter. And if anything happens," he paused, "take the tower and become its master. How do you like it?"
Solomon froze, his eyes lit up. The idea sounded… cool. Of course, it's not exactly royal to take over someone else's house, but, damn it, it's Merlin! That same old man from the cartoon, funny, good-natured, with a beard and a star-shaped cap. He definitely won't leave him in trouble, and at the same time, maybe, he'll teach him something cool.
"Sounds like a plan," Solomon grinned. "Merlin, hold on, the King of Magicians is coming!"
He called over the children, who had already woven wreaths of flowers and were now trying to put them on each other's heads.
"Hey, little ones!" he shouted. "Get ready, we're going on a trip! To England, to Merlin!"
Hansel, Gretel and Alice looked at each other, clearly not understanding what he was talking about, but shrugged their shoulders and happily stomped after him. Solomon, however, immediately stopped short.
"Wait, where is this England anyway?" — he asked, scratching the back of his head.
The demons snorted in unison.
"Oh, you'll know when you see it," Gremory drawled mysteriously. "You can't go wrong."
"Seriously?" Solomon protested. "What kind of vague hints are you? Are you some kind of oracles now? That's not cool, okay?!"
He led the children along the path — the only road that wound through the fields and hills. The air smelled of grass and adventure, but Solomon was still grumbling about "mysterious demons." Suddenly, a voice broke the silence — loud, epic, with such a charismatic timbre that the hair on the back of Solomon's neck stood on end. He froze, recognizing that voice. The same one from the cartoon about the sword in the stone! The voice, accompanied by pompous orchestral music, began to broadcast:
" …And the prophecy says: only a true ruler, chosen by fate, will be able to pull the sword from the stone and unite the lands of England!"
"Oh, damn, we're definitely on the right track!" Solomon exclaimed, his eyes lighting up. "This is it, kids! The sword, Merlin, all the action!"
The children, not quite understanding what he was talking about, but infected by his enthusiasm, nodded happily. They moved on and soon came across a crowd surrounding something with a hubbub and enthusiastic shouts. Solomon, pushing through the onlookers, squeezed forward, dragging the children with him. And then his jaw dropped.
In front of the sword in the stone stood a skinny boy with disheveled hair, and next to him was Merlin. But not the Merlin from the cartoon, with a good-natured smile and a cap. No, it was the Merlin of Fate, a handsome man with long white hair and a tight robe, sweetly whispering something to the kid. The kid nodded, his eyes shining like a puppy who had been promised a bone.
Solomon froze, his brain putting two and two together.
"WHAT IS THIS, A SCAM?!" he yelled, his voice over the hubbub of the crowd. "This swindler is ripping off the kid big time!"
He instantly turned on his charisma to the max, and as if on cue, the sun hit him in the back, enveloping him in a blinding glow. His disheveled hair fluttered like a rock star, and the rings on his fingers sparkled like miniature stars. The crowd gasped, people began to part, as if before Moses at the Red Sea. Merlin, blinded by the light, was taken aback, covering his eyes with his hand.
"HEY, YOU!" Solomon thundered, pointing at Merlin. "The most brazen swindler I've ever seen! Do you have a conscience, to breed children?! Or is it your fetish - to impose Arturia's fate and a lot of suffering on boys?!"
Merlin's eyes widened, his face turned pale.
"W-what?!" he squeezed out. "Who are you to blame the great Merlin?!"
"The great?!" Solomon snorted. "You're a faker, brother! I, Solomon, the King of Magicians, eat the likes of you for breakfast! And do you know what I do to swindlers?"
He theatrically pulled out a phone - not just any phone, but a cool one, with his own print (a skull, a burger, and the words "King of Magic"). The crowd gasped, the kids giggled, and Merlin began to sweat. Solomon dialed the number with a devilish grin and yelled into the phone:
"Morgana! Get your ass over here, we've got your Merlin here ripping off the boys!"
The air shook, and a second later Morgana materialized next to Solomon - a version of Fate, in a black dress, with an icy gaze and an aura that made everyone's hair stand on end. And behind her - a dozen parallel versions of her, each with an even more sinister grin. Merlin turned as white as a sheet and began to back away.
"M-Morgana?!" he stuttered. "This... this is a misunderstanding!
"A misunderstanding?" Morgana barked, her eyes flashing. "Are you doing this again, Merlin? How many boys have you put on the throne already?!"
Merlin tried to run, but Solomon, not giving him a chance, flashed his rings. His voice boomed like thunder as he chanted a spell that made the air crackle.
"STOP, FAKE!" he barked.
Merlin, being half incubus, could not resist. His feet seemed to be rooted to the ground, and his face was distorted with horror. Solomon came closer, crossed his arms, and leaned towards him with a devilish grin.
"Well, great caster?" he drawled mockingly. "You are far from me, Merlin. And now you are in trouble."
Solomon stood with his arms crossed, a devilish grin on his face, watching as Merlin, the great caster, trembled in fear under his gaze. Merlin's eyes were filled with terror, and he tried to save face by choking out, "I... I read somewhere that I couldn't feel human emotions!" His voice shook like a leaf. "But I... I'm not like that, I swear!" Solomon leaned closer, his rings flashing, his eyes narrowing.
"Oh, he doesn't feel emotions? - he drawled with such a venomous mockery that even the demons in his head whistled. "Well, now, I'll teach you one feeling. Do you know what it's called? FEAR!"
Merlin turned pale, sweat poured off him in buckets, and the Morgans - the main and her parallel versions - nodded approvingly, their eyes sparkling with sinister amusement. Solomon, getting into the swing of it, began listing ideas on how to "introduce" Merlin to fear.
"You could hook him by the scrotum and hang him on a tree," he began thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "Or put him on a stake, a classic! And also..." he paused, his grin widening, "make you the new Jesus! You know, I was almost written down as the messiah recently, so how are you any worse? Cross, crown of thorns, the whole package!"
Merlin nearly fainted, his knees buckling as the crowd around him gasped. The Morganas clapped their hands, unable to contain their delight. The main Morgana stepped forward, her black dress fluttering like a raven's wings.
"Oh, Solomon, don't worry," she purred, her voice sweet as honey, but with a hint of menace. "We'll take care of him ourselves. All the worries are on us, right, girls?"
The parallel versions of her laughed evilly, surrounding Merlin in a tight circle. He tried to squeak something, but his voice was drowned out by their laughter. A second later, they disappeared in a whirlwind of dark magic, dragging Merlin with them. Only the main Morgana remained, turning to Solomon with a coquettish smile. She came closer, her movements graceful as a panther, and stopped dangerously close.
"You know, you're not bad," she drawled, leaning a little closer. "Cute, charismatic... Not so bad for the King of Magicians."
Solomon, to his horror, felt his cheeks flush. He - the King of Magicians, the tamer of witches and the troll of reality - "STUTTERED!"
"Uh... well, you know... you too... are not bad," he squeezed out, clearing his throat and trying to regain his dignity.
The demons in his head nearly burst with laughter.
"Oh, hold me!" Gremory choked. "She twists it as she wants! King Heel, take the crown!
"Shut up, devils!" — Solomon mentally barked, clenching his fists.
To distract himself, he snapped his fingers, and a letter materialized out of thin air, sealed with wax with his personal print (yes, a burger and a skull again). He handed it to Morgana, trying to look unperturbed.
"Give this to Gudako," he said, but his voice betrayed him with a tremor. "It's… for her."
Morgana raised an eyebrow, her lips curling into a sly smile.
"A love letter already?" she teased, turning the envelope over in her hands.
"WHAT?! No!" Solomon nearly choked on air. "Just… hand it over, that's all!"
Morgana giggled, winked, and disappeared in a cloud of sparks, leaving behind a light scent of perfume and the feeling that Solomon had just lost some unknown duel. He exhaled heavily, rubbing his temples.
"Damn, that was too much," he muttered, turning to the children. "Hey, kids, get ready! It's time to go. There's nothing to do here except look for Merlin's tower…"
But his words were cut off by the smell. Oh, that smell! A double burger, with a cheese crust, a juicy patty, a sauce that beckoned like a siren. Solomon froze, his nostrils flared, and his stomach made such a loud growl that the children turned around. The smell, like in a cartoon, turned into steam, which snaked up to his nose and beckoned with its index finger. Solomon turned, and his eyes almost bulged out of their sockets.
Where the sword in the stone had just been, now there was… A SWORD BURGER. Enormous, with a steaming patty, melted cheese, a crispy bun and lettuce leaves that moved as if alive. The light of the sun hit it, surrounding it with a rainbow glow, and bright colors played around it, like in a fast food commercial. It was legendary. It was divine. Solomon, not noticing how drool dripped from his chin, took a step forward.
"Take me…" the sword burger whispered, its voice low and seductive. — Eat me… and become the Burger King…
"Oh, hell, yes! " Solomon breathed out, already holding out his hands. His soul was singing, his stomach was dancing, and the world around him had disappeared.
But then his thoughts were interrupted by Gremory's squeaky, sarcastic voice:
"Seriously, Solomon?!" she laughed. " You're ready to exchange the title of the Magic King for the Burger King?! Pathetic weakling! One burger and you're at his mercy!
Solomon froze, his hand stopping a centimeter from the bun. He blinked, shook his head and yelled:
"FUCK THIS BURGER! " He pointed his finger at the sword burger. "This is the hoax of the century! I won't buy it, you hear me?! "
At that very second, the sword burger disappeared, turning back into an ordinary sword in the stone. The crowd around them gasped, and Alice, who was standing next to them, looked at Solomon strangely. She reached for her sword, but Solomon, without wasting time, lightly slapped her hand.
"Hey, little one, don't touch that crap!" he barked. "The last thing we need is another Arturia on my head!"
Alice pouted, crossing her arms.
"I just wanted to watch!" she muttered, stamping her foot.
Hansel and Gretel giggled, trying to console her.
"Don't be upset, he's just afraid of burgers!" Hansel winked, earning a playful slap on the back of the head from Solomon.
Solomon looked around at the crowd, who were still staring at him in awe, and decided it was time to leave with pathos. He straightened his back, turned on his charisma to the max, and, as if on cue, the sky turned into a scarlet sunset. Epic music - where the hell did that come from?! - began playing in the background, and Solomon, without turning around, led the children forward. His silhouette with his flowing hair and three small figures next to him looked like they were walking straight into a Hollywood blockbuster.
"Let's go, little ones," he said over his shoulder. "Let's find that damn tower. And no more Merlin the Faker!"
The crowd was left behind, people were whispering, some were crying with delight, swearing to follow this mysterious magician. Someone even started writing a ballad about "The King Who Rejected a Burger for Freedom." And Solomon, walking into the sunset, thought of only one thing:
"Damn, I still want a burger..."
***
The usual bustle reigned in Chaldea: servants scurried back and forth, someone argued about tactics, someone tried to steal an extra donut from the dining room. Chibi Gudako, shining her signature smile like a sunbeam, jumped with joy when Morgana appeared in the hall. Her black dress fluttered, and her eyes sparkled mischievously.
"Morgana! " chibi Gudako exclaimed, rushing towards her. "Where have you been? Chasing Merlin again?"
Morgana snapped her fingers with a smug smile, and Merlin materialized in the center of the room — in only torn underwear, shackled, with a body covered in scars and an empty, depressed look. He looked like he had been through all the circles of hell and a couple of bonus levels. Chibi Gudako giggled, clapping her hands.
"Wow, you really did it!" she admired. "That slippery guy always got away! How did you catch him?"
Morgana was slightly embarrassed, but her smile grew even wider.
"Well… I had help," she said, clearing her throat, and pulled out a letter with a seal in the form of a burger and a skull. "Here, this was given to you."
Gudako, still in chibi form, happily grabbed the letter, her eyes lighting up.
"Oh, a letter! From whom?" she squeaked, tearing the envelope.
But as she read, her chibi form began to dissolve, returning to her human form. Gudako's face gradually darkened, her smile disappeared, and an ominous shadow covered her eyes. The aura around her thickened, the air in Chaldea became heavy, as if before a thunderstorm. The servants, noticing the change, froze, exchanging glances. Even Merlin, who was lying in the corner, swallowed nervously.
"Gudako?" Gudao, her brother, called cautiously, approaching with the usual shining smile of a typical harem hero. "What is it?"
He began to read, and his smile slowly slid off his face. By the end of the letter, his eyes were also covered by a shadow, and his face became as gloomy as his sister's. The servants, unable to bear their curiosity, crept closer and peered over her shoulder. One by one, their faces darkened, as if they had read the sentence.
The letter was from Solomon. It read:
[ Yo, Gudako, hi! How's Chaldea? Saving the world, busting your asses, all that? Things aren't going well for me here either, you know. This damn world won't let me scratch my belly and eat a normal burger with a coke! But I'm coping, I'm the King of Magicians, not some idiot. Found some tower, now chilling with burgers, coke and a sunset view. Here, look at the photo - me, a couch, a burger, awesome!
Listen, I'm sorry this happened to us. It wasn't you, it was me, honestly. You'll find yourself a cooler guy, without all this magic bullshit. I wish you happiness, Gudako, you deserve it! Oh yeah, I almost forgot - I'm like a father now, can you imagine? And I think I have about 10 fiancées hanging around, but that's not the main thing. I went in the wrong direction, anyway. Okay, go on and save the world! Yours, Solomon, the Burger King (I'm still the Magic King, kidding).]
The hall was so quiet you could hear Merlin sweating in his shackles. Gudako, still wearing shadows instead of eyes, snapped her fingers. Archer Emiya, without asking questions, immediately began dragging mountains of quartz, his hands moving at an alarming speed. Gudako, meanwhile, slowly, with dramatic pathos, put on the headband with the symbol of salt.
The servants gasped, stepping back. The demon of gachi and salt was awakening.
"While we're here busting our asses, saving the world," she began, her voice low, almost ominous, "while Solomon's sacrifice, as we thought, was not in vain... HE'S CHILLING WITH BURGERS AND COLA?!
Her eyes flashed, the aura around her became so thick that the walls of Chaldea shook.
"I WON'T LET THIS GO!" she roared, throwing up her hands theatrically. "He thinks he can just take a vacation, eat burgers, and write me letters about "not you, but me"?! I'LL DRAG HIM OUT OF THIS TOWER AND MAKE HIM SAVE THE WORLD WITH US!"
Gudao, still with a gloomy face, nodded, clenching his fists.
"This is betrayal," he muttered. "Burgers... brides... what the hell, Solomon?!
The servants, from Jeanne to Gilgamesh, looked at each other, sweating. Even Merlin, sprawled in the corner, raised his head and muttered,
"I told you… he's dangerous…"
Gudako turned sharply to Morgana, her eyes blazing with such a murderous fire that reality seemed to shudder.
"You know where he is, right?" she asked, her voice drenched in yandere cold. "WHERE IS SOLOMON?!"
Morgana, despite all her power, began to sweat. She swallowed nervously, taking a step back.
"Uh… well, we made a magic pact with him," she muttered. "He's a great caster, you know? Even Merlin," she nodded at the pile in the corner, "can't help. No one will find his tower now. It's… magic, baby."
Gudako froze. Then, with dramatic pathos, she dropped to one knee, slamming her fist on the floor.
"SOLOMON!" she howled, her voice echoing across Chaldea. "I SWEAR I WILL FIND YOU! THERE WILL BE REVENGE! YOUR BURGERS WILL NOT SAVE YOU FROM MY VENGEANCE!"
She jumped up, her eyes glowing maniacally. Running to the quartz mountain, she began to spin the gacha feverishly, muttering:
"I will summon him! I will summon ALL of his versions! The King of Magicians, the King of Burgers, the King of Heels — "I DON'T CARE! HE WILL BE MINE!"
Her laughter grew more and more nervous, turning into a yandere guffaw that sent shivers down the servants' spines. Emiya, still dragging the quartz, whispered to Jeanne:
"It seems we shouldn't have given her that letter..."
Jeanne only sighed, looking at Gudako, who, surrounded by the glow of the quartz, looked like an anime villain.
"Solomon," she muttered. "You're really in trouble."
Morgana, still sweating, quietly retreated to the exit.
"Well, I'll go...," she muttered. "Good luck with... this."
And Gudako, oblivious to everything around her, continued to spin the gacha, her voice shaking with rage and dedication.
"SOLOMON!" she screamed, shaking her fist. "I'LL GET YOU, EVEN FROM UNDER THE GROUND!" BURGERS WON'T HELP YOU!
Chaldea was shaking, the servants were hiding, and somewhere in his tower Solomon, chewing a burger and washing it down with cola, suddenly sneezed.
"Damn," he muttered, wiping his nose. "Someone is cursing me..."
The demons in his head just laughed, anticipating how this circus would become even crazier.