I woke up again.
I was no longer surprised. No more panic, no more confusion. I simply stared blankly at the wooden ceiling above me.
The air was colder this time. The sound of wind blew through the cracks of this small house. I could hear someone outside, speaking softly—perhaps my mother in this life.
But I didn't care.
I knew the end would be the same.
I would live, I would feel warmth, I would begin to think that maybe—just maybe—this time would be different.
Then, everything would fall apart again.
I got out of bed, my steps light as I walked toward the small kitchen at the end of the room. A kitchen knife lay on the table, its blade faintly gleaming in the dim light from the small window.
Without hesitation, I picked it up.
Without thinking, I aimed it at my neck.
Without delay, I pulled it swiftly.
───◇◆◇───
I was floating again.
I was still here.
I was still in this empty ocean.
I began to grit my teeth.
"Why… WHY AM I STILL HERE!?"
I pressed my hands against my neck.
I chose to die before they could kill me. I didn't wait for the tragedy to come. I didn't let them break me.
But even so—
Even so—
───◇◆◇───
I woke up again.
A different place. A different world.
But I was still me.
I laughed.
"So this is it, huh? No matter how I die, I'll keep being reborn?"
I started to tremble.
My hand reached for the nearest object—a knife.
I stabbed my chest.
───◇◆◇───
I woke up again.
I drank poison.
───◇◆◇───
I woke up again.
I drowned myself in a river.
───◇◆◇───
I woke up again.
I jumped off a cliff.
───◇◆◇───
I woke up.
I died.
I woke up.
I died.
I woke up.
I died.
I died.
I died.
I died.
I died.
I… died.
───◇◆◇───
I was floating again.
This time, I didn't move.
I just stared into the void.
I wasn't angry. I wasn't crying. I wasn't laughing.
I was just… empty.
Then, that voice returned.
"Why do you keep trying to DIE?"
I didn't answer.
"Do you think dying will end everything?"
I bit my lip.
"Haven't you understood yet?"
I slowly lifted my head.
"…Why?" my voice was barely a whisper.
"Why are you doing this to me?"
For a moment, silence surrounded me.
Then, the voice spoke again.
"Because you haven't found the answer."
I floated. Again.
I bit my lip until it bled. My body trembled. My hands clawed at my head, as if trying to tear apart my own thoughts.
"Enough… enough… ENOUGH!"
I screamed as loud as I could, my voice breaking in this empty ocean.
"LET ME DIE!"
I thrashed, trying to break through the invisible barrier holding me in place. I clawed at nothing, kicked, punched—anything I could do.
"I don't want this anymore! I don't want to feel pain anymore! I don't want to hope anymore! I don't want to feel warmth again just to lose it! I don't want it! I don't want it! I DON'T WANT IT!"
I screamed, begged, and wept like a madwoman.
Until finally—
Silence.
I was panting. My shoulders rose and fell. Tears streamed down my face, but I no longer cared.
Then, the voice spoke. This time, it sounded softer.
"…I pity you."
I bit my lip harder.
"I understand… you've suffered too much. I have seen it."
I clutched at my hollow chest.
"But… this time, try living."
───◇◆◇───
I woke up.
Warm air caressed my skin.
In front of me, a bustling wooden building filled with laughter and chatter. A row of notice boards full of job requests. The aroma of alcohol and food filled the room.
I sat at a wooden table, wearing a slightly worn adventurer's cloak, like someone who had traveled a lot.
And on the table, there was a small cat.
Its fur was soft white, its eyes golden like mine. A small collar hung around its neck, engraved with a name—
"Livia."
I stayed still, staring at it.