Let me get one thing straight.
I didn't plan to join a guild.
I didn't even plan to walk.
But when you're stranded in a magical fever dream with no food, no sleep, and a floating goddess acting like a malfunctioning Siri, you're bound to make some poor decisions.
Like agreeing to go to a town called Pebbleford.
Aelith insisted it was the "nearest civilized location."
What she didn't mention was that Pebbleford was full of people who'd clearly been dropped on their heads as children and then raised by motivational posters.
We walk into the town.
That's right. Walk.
Apparently, despite being a literal divine being, Aelith's teleportation spell is "on cooldown."
Figures.
Pebbleford looks like someone tried to design a medieval town in The Sims, got bored halfway, and just hit copy-paste. Cobblestone streets, wooden houses, and signs that say things like:
"Welcome to Pebbleford! Where the ale is bad, but the smiles are free!"
Kill me.
Aelith claps beside me, beaming like she's about to sell me a timeshare.
"This is where heroes begin their journey!"
"Is this also where heroes end it out of boredom?"
Before she can respond, we're interrupted by a guy wearing a suit of armor that looks like it was put together by someone blindfolded and drunk.
He strikes a pose. "Halt! You two look unfamiliar. State your business!"
"I'm looking for food," I say.
"I'm looking for peace," Aelith says.
"I'm looking for brain cells," I add, staring at his helmet.
He doesn't flinch. "I am Sir Brawn the Brave, Captain of the Pebbleford Local Guild."
Of course, his name is Brawn. Subtle as a brick.
"You look like a soup can that learned how to talk," I mutter.
Aelith elbows me. I ignore it.
Sir Brawn steps closer. "You've got the look of a warrior. Join our guild! Help defend the innocent! Slay monsters! Bathe in glory!"
"I literally roasted four goblins to tears. Emotionally. I didn't touch them."
Brawn gasps. "Incredible! Psychological warfare! You'll fit right in."
"No thanks."
"Too late! I've already enrolled you. Paperwork is spiritual here."
A scroll materializes in front of me. It's already stamped. Signed. Approved.
"What kind of HR hell is this?"
"Welcome to the Guild of Grit and Guts!" Brawn beams.
What kind of name is that?
"You'll be starting with a low-rank mission," Brawn continues. "A wild cabbage has been attacking farmers on the outskirts."
I blink.
"You're joking."
He's not.
Quest Added: Cabbage Carnage
Objective: Defeat the enraged cabbage threatening Farmer Jib's crops.
**Reward:** 5 silver coins and a boiled potato.
"You want me to fight a vegetable."
"This is no ordinary cabbage," Brawn says gravely. "It's… slightly bigger than average."
Aelith leans in and whispers, "I think we should take this seriously. Every world has strange magic…"
I sigh so hard I think I dislocate a lung.
"Fine. Where's the cabbage?"
Cut to: me standing in a field, staring at a cabbage the size of a bean bag, with glowing red eyes and leaves fluttering like it's doing a dramatic anime pose.
Farmer Jib, a wiry old man with one tooth and zero chill, waves from behind a broken fence.
"There it is! The devil sprout!"
I turn to Aelith. "Do I still have that [Verbal Abuse] skill?"
"Yes," she says. "But maybe don't anger it further—"
"Hey!" I shout at the cabbage. "You oversized salad!"
It growls.
Yes. Growls.
A leaf flaps aggressively.
"Don't make me toss you like the disappointment you are. You're a snack, not a threat."
The cabbage screeches and rolls toward me like an angry bowling ball.
I sidestep it, casually.
"I've dodged group chats with more aggression."
I walk up to it as it flails in the dirt.
"You're just crunchy water with an identity crisis. You think you're scary? I've seen soup with more personality."
[Cabbage is now experiencing an Existential Breakdown.]
It stops moving.
[Quest Complete!]
Brawn shows up five minutes later, wide-eyed. "By the gods… you defeated it with words?"
"I defeated it with facts," I say, grabbing the potato reward.
Aelith sighs beside me. "You know, this might actually work. Your words might be… your greatest weapon."
"Tell that to the potato. It died for this."