The hallways of Hogwarts were tense, as if someone had cast a spell of anxiety over every stone in the castle. Students ran about with parchments in hand, reciting formulas, transformations, and historical dates that slipped through their minds like sand between their fingers.
And there, in the middle of all that chaos, Kronk was setting up a little coffee stand beneath an archway leading to the courtyard. The food truck was discreetly parked near the greenhouses, and from its side he had unfolded a small extension with a canopy, round tables, and a chalkboard that read in beautiful lettering:
EXAM COFFEE – only open when I finish my exams. Kronk.
Hermione, passing by with a pile of parchments, couldn't help but stop.
"Kronk… did you ask permission for this?"
"Of course!" he replied, adjusting an apron full of coffee stains. "Professor Sprout said that if I got good grades in Herbology, I could help the castle with something productive. So I thought: coffee for everyone!"
What could possibly go wrong?
"And you don't think coffee and exams are… a dangerous combination?"
"Not at all! Each student gets a limited amount," Kronk answered with an innocent smile.
"Want one?"
Hermione pressed her hand to her forehead.
…
The first day of exams passed relatively normally. Kronk finished his tests surprisingly quickly, always handing them in with a smile. In Charms, he levitated twelve chairs while humming. In Potions, he accidentally invented a perfume that smelled like freshly baked bread, but still earned an Outstanding.
When he reached Divination, Professor Trelawney greeted him with drama.
"Ah, young man… I sense a great destiny weighing upon you… I see… I see… a radiant sun!"
Kronk smiled.
"Yes, ma'am. I just set up a mirror to reflect the light onto the ceiling. Look how pretty!"
Trelawney was dumbfounded—she hadn't expected that.
Then she asked him to read the bottom of his own teacup. Kronk peered at the remains with great concentration.
"Hmm… I see a… squirrel. With a giant nut trapped in ice." He leaned closer to the cup. "It looks like it goes through a lot trying to get it, always just one step away."
"That means… infinite prosperity!"
"I knew I should invest in the coffee stand!" Kronk cheered.
Hermione, who had been watching from another table, muttered:
"This can't be…" She looked at the bottom of her own teacup, where she thought she saw a tiny middle finger raised at her. "This is nonsense!"
…
The next day, while the rest of the students dragged themselves around looking defeated, Kronk appeared fresh as a lettuce, unfolded his stand, and announced:
"Coffee's open!" he proclaimed, pulling out some hazelnut cookies to cheer everyone up.
"Two-for-one special for students with dark circles under their eyes!"
Within minutes, the line wrapped around the courtyard. Ravenclaws ordered triple espressos, Hufflepuffs wanted cappuccinos with whipped cream, and Gryffindors asked for coffee with chocolate for their nerves. Kronk served happily, his hands moving fast as if he'd been doing this for years.
Ron stumbled over and ordered three cups. Harry followed with two more. Hermione, resigned, took just one… and then another, and another.
The effect was not long in coming.
…
In the Great Hall at mealtime, the scene was worthy of a madhouse.
Neville was rattling off the names of 250 magical plants at high speed, without stopping to breathe. Parvati and Lavender had started reorganizing the benches into geometric patterns. Harry was reading three books at once, flipping pages so fast the only sound was fwoosh-fwoosh-fwoosh.
And Ron… well, Ron had spent half an hour trying to communicate with Mars.
Hermione, pupils dilated, was furiously scribbling notes on four different parchments at once, muttering:
"I can do it… I can get perfect marks in everything! Just like Kronk! No—better!"
Kronk himself scratched his head, watching the disaster he had unleashed.
"Hmm… maybe I used Peruvian beans that were too pure."
Angel Kronk appeared on his shoulder, worried.
"I warned you. Nobody should drink six coffees in less than ten minutes."
Devil Kronk, on the other hand, was laughing hysterically.
"Look at them! It's a carnival of caffeine! Those Slytherins look terrified just watching!"
…
Finally, the exam results were handed out. Everyone was nervous, some even trembling from all the leftover coffee in their system.
Hermione, nearly at the point of collapse, opened her parchment and sighed in relief at her excellent grades—though her pride was crushed when she saw her mark in Divination.
Harry and Ron barely scraped by.
Hey, but they passed!
Neville was astonished to find an Outstanding in Herbology, even though he didn't remember writing anything coherent (the tidal wave of words had probably impressed Professor Sprout).
And then it was Kronk's turn.
Dumbledore looked up with a smile from the head table.
"Mr. Kronk… allow me to congratulate you. You achieved the highest mark in every exam. Even in Divination, where your reading of the squirrel was deemed 'revealing and profoundly optimistic.'"
The Great Hall burst into murmurs. Hermione collapsed onto the table, torn between amazement, happiness for her friend, and indignation.
"How… how can this be possible?! He didn't even study with a method!" she demanded in existential crisis. "He spent more time making coffee than reviewing notes!"
Kronk raised a cup in a toast.
"It's called instinct."
Hermione spat blood from sheer indignation and fainted on the spot.
And so, Hogwarts closed exam season not only with stress and exhaustion… but also with a brand new item banned in the castle's rulebook: Kronk's coffee.