The next morning, we gathered at the city gates. The sun shone. Birds sang. A nearby merchant yelled about selling genuine cursed toilet paper. A perfect day for idiocy.
I stretched, feeling the Villager Supreme cloak (which was still a curtain) billow in the breeze.
Sir Hornsalot stood proudly at my side, gnawing on a wanted poster.
Iris was lighting a stick of dynamite like it was a cigarette.
Bob had somehow already fallen asleep standing up.
This was my team.
God help this world.
The captain of the royal guard approached us, squinting like he wasn't sure if this was a bad dream or an elaborate prank.
"Alright, Squad 13—"
"It's Gag Squad now," I corrected, grinning.
The captain sighed. "Whatever. Your orders are to head east to Goblin Gorge. Eliminate any monsters and investigate Demon Lord activity."
I raised a hand. "Can we stop for snacks first?"
"No."
"What about if it's a life-threatening snack craving?"
"…No."
He threw us a rolled-up map, which Sir Hornsalot immediately ate.
"Just go," the captain groaned, walking off while questioning every life choice that led to this moment.
[Quest Accepted: Goblin Gorge Fiasco]
Reward: 100 Gag Coins, 1 Mystery Item, +5 Reputation (probably bad)
I clapped my hands. "Alright, losers! To adventure!"
Iris whooped. "To explosions!"
Bob snored.
And off we went.
Three Hours Later
We were hopelessly lost.
Turns out letting a goat eat the map was a poor strategic decision. Who knew.
I squinted at the horizon. "Pretty sure we were supposed to pass the Twin Peaks by now."
Iris pointed. "You mean those?" She gestured at two oddly-shaped hills shaped suspiciously like… uh. Never mind.
"Maybe."
Sir Hornsalot headbutted me in the shin.
Bob woke up and muttered, "Are we there yet?" then promptly fell back asleep.
I sighed and checked my system.
[New Ability Unlocked: Punchline Tracker]
Allows user to sense the direction of the next comedic disaster within a 5-mile radius.
I grinned.
"Alright, gang, I got us a shortcut."
I followed the flashing arrow on my HUD, leading us through a forest so sketchy it probably mugged itself.
Branches creaked ominously. A murder of crows cawed overhead.
A sign read: Welcome to Definitely-Not-a-Goblin-Trap Woods.
Bob squinted at the sign. "Seems legit."
Iris grinned, lighting another stick of dynamite. "I hope they try something."
Sir Hornsalot licked a rock aggressively.
I pulled out my trusty frying pan.
[Weapon Proficiency: Cookware +1]
We ventured deeper until—
"RAAARGH!"
A horde of goblins leapt out from the bushes, brandishing crude clubs and rusty daggers. There had to be at least twenty.
"Holy crap," Bob whispered, already climbing a tree.
The lead goblin snarled. "Your money or your lives, humans!"
I stepped forward.
"I'll do you one better. Knock knock."
The goblins blinked. "Uh… who's there?"
I grinned. "Interrupting cow."
"Interrupti—"
[Ability Activated: Moo of Doom]
A spectral cow appeared above them, bellowing loud enough to shake the trees.
MOOOOOOOOO.
Half the goblins dropped their weapons and ran.
Iris laughed so hard she nearly dropped her dynamite. "That's your ability?!"
"Yup."
[You have defeated 10 Goblins via extreme psychological damage.]
[+100 Gag Coins.]
The remaining goblins regrouped, trembling but determined.
Iris cracked her knuckles. "My turn."
She lobbed a dynamite stick casually into their ranks.
Boom. Goblins flew in every direction like confetti.
Sir Hornsalot headbutted a straggler so hard it turned into a loot bag.
Bob finally came down from the tree, crossbow in hand. He shot one goblin. Missed. Hit a beehive.
[Environmental Hazard Unlocked: Angry Bees]
A cloud of furious bees descended.
"RETREAT!" I yelled, grabbing Sir Hornsalot.
Iris ran past me, cackling. "WORTH IT!"
Bob was already halfway back to the city.
We bolted through the forest, chased by both bees and the three goblins that survived.
[New Title Unlocked: Menace to Forest Society]
I grinned.
Best day ever.
Aftermath
We finally escaped to a clearing.
I collapsed in the grass, laughing.
"Okay, so maybe not the most flawless battle plan, but A for effort," I wheezed.
Iris grinned, covered in soot and bee stings. "That was the most fun I've had in weeks."
Sir Hornsalot chewed on a goblin club.
Bob lay on the ground, face-down, groaning.
I opened my system shop.
[New Items Available]
Bee Repellent Cologne: 50 Gag Coins
Summon Tiny Spectral Cow: 200 Gag Coins
Mystery Loot Bag: 100 Gag Coins
I had 200 coins now.
Obvious choice.
[Purchased: Summon Tiny Spectral Cow]
A tiny, ghostly cow appeared next to me, floating serenely.
I named him Sir Moosworth.
"Welcome to the team, buddy."
He mooed softly.
I checked my quest log.
[Goblin Gorge Fiasco: Objective Complete. Bonus Objective: Barely Survive a Bee Attack: Complete.]
[Reward: 1 Mystery Item]
I claimed it.
[You received: An Extremely Suspicious Potion (do not drink this.)]
Perfect.
I pocketed it for later.
The sun began to set, painting the sky orange and pink.
I stretched and grinned at my team.
"Alright, Gag Squad. Tomorrow, we head for the next town. New quests, new disasters."
They all groaned in unison.
Sir Moosworth mooed.
Best squad ever.
The next morning, we staggered into the nearest town — a cozy, slightly ramshackle place with a crooked sign that read:
"Welcome to Bumblesburg — Home of the Annual Chicken Dance-Off."
Iris squinted at it. "This place reeks of side quests."
Bob yawned. "I give it 20 minutes before we get banned."
Sir Hornsalot licked a streetlamp.
Sir Moosworth floated alongside me, an ethereal cow halo of smugness radiating from him.
I opened my system map.
It was just a crayon drawing of a smiley face with the words You Are Here, Dummy scrawled across it.
Perfect.
[New Objective: Find Trouble]
I was born for this.
We wandered through the bustling market.
Merchants hawked all kinds of junk: magic socks that claimed to make you fly (they didn't), love potions with warning labels, and one guy aggressively trying to sell what he called "Cursed Sausage of Eternal Regret."
I bought three.
A shady-looking old lady waved me over. "Psst, you. Yes, you, handsome."
"Ma'am, I'm morally obligated to warn you that I am one bad pun away from accidentally leveling this town."
She cackled. "Even better. I've got a quest for you."
[Side Quest Unlocked: Retrieve the Legendary Goblet of Slight Inconvenience]
Reward: 500 Gag Coins, 1 Mystery Title
I rubbed my hands together. "Where is it?"
"In the abandoned bathhouse on the hill. Haunted, cursed, full of tax-evading spirits. No one dares go near it."
I turned to the squad. "Sounds like a field trip."
Bob sighed. "We're gonna die."
Iris punched her palm. "Let's gooo!"
Sir Hornsalot headbutted a cabbage cart on the way out of town.
[Notoriety in Bumblesburg +5]
Twenty Minutes Later
We stood in front of the bathhouse. It looked like it had been abandoned for decades — windows boarded, walls cracked, a faded sign that read:
"Hot Springs of Questionable Sanitation"
Iris lit a stick of dynamite. "I vote we blow it up."
"Let's at least loot it first," I countered.
Sir Moosworth mooed solemnly.
The door creaked open by itself.
Classic horror cliché.
I stepped inside. It was dark, damp, and smelled like old ramen noodles.
[New Environmental Hazard: Ghosts with Outstanding Debts]
A wispy figure floated toward us. "Spare change, adventurers?"
I chucked a sausage at it.
It vanished in a puff of glitter.
[You defeated a Spirit of Financial Ruin.]
I grinned. "This system is OP."
Bob shivered. "I hate this place."
We pressed on, room by room, encountering increasingly ridiculous spirits:
The Ghost of Forgotten Wi-Fi Passwords.
A Phantom Tax Auditor.
A Spectral Bard who only knew Baby Shark on loop.
I chucked cursed sausages at everything.
Sir Hornsalot headbutted a mirror and somehow summoned a mimic, which Iris casually exploded.
We reached the main bath chamber.
In the center, floating above an ancient bath full of glowing green goo, was the prize.
A dusty, golden goblet engraved with the words:
"World's Okayest Hero"
I grinned. "Jackpot."
[Obtained: Legendary Goblet of Slight Inconvenience]
[Bonus: +5 Charisma When Making Terrible Jokes]
Iris whooped. "Grab it and let's bail."
A deep, echoing voice boomed from nowhere.
"WHO DARES STEAL FROM MY BATHHOUSE?"
A giant ghost materialized — the spirit of a long-dead bathhouse owner, wielding a mop of doom.
[Boss Battle: Gregor the Grumpy Ghost Custodian]
Bob screamed. "We're so dead!"
I activated my new ability.
[Ability: Killer Punchline]
I pointed at Gregor. "Hey buddy — why did the ghost refuse to go to the party?"
Gregor paused. "Uh… why?"
"Because he had no-body to go with."
[CRITICAL DAMAGE: -9999 HP]
Gregor instantly exploded into a cloud of unpaid bills and soggy soap.
[Boss Defeated]
[Loot Acquired: Haunted Mop (Cursed)]
I picked it up. "Guess I'm the janitor now."
Aftermath
We returned to town like heroes.
The shady old lady cackled when I handed her the goblet.
[Quest Complete. +500 Gag Coins. New Title Unlocked: 'Town Menace.']
"Anything else for us, granny?"
She grinned. "Actually…"
A man ran up to us, panting. "Adventurers! The mayor's cat has been possessed by a demon and taken over the town hall!"
I fist-pumped. "Best. Town. Ever."
Bob groaned. "I wanna go home."
Iris laughed. "Too bad. Demon cat time."
Sir Hornsalot headbutted another cabbage cart for good measure.
Sir Moosworth mooed.
I opened my quest log.
[New Quest Unlocked: Exorcise the Demon Cat of Bumblesburg.]
Reward: ???
I grinned.
"Gag Squad, roll out!"
And off we went, the town of idiots cheering, terrified, and possibly already regretting ever letting us in.