c2: Heir of God
"Energy input is stabilizing. Synchronization with dimensional lattice nodes complete. Activation of All-Father Protocol: Prime Deity Seed has reached peak resonance... initializing dimensional expansion."
"Cognitive lock disengaged. Host's primary memories now decompressing from temporal stasis... Phase One begins."
The robotic voice echoed through Patch's mind like a Mother Box synced with the Baxter Building's quantum relay core. Suddenly, a searing jolt hit his head like a Psionic Lance fired from Emma Frost herself.
Memory fragments erupted in his brain, fragmentary flashes like a hacked SHIELD databank unraveling at light speed. Patch clawed at his scalp, blue veins bulging across his temples like he'd taken a telepathic hit from Martian Manhunter.
"Phase One completed. Phase Two commencing. Core integration required for Deity Memory Codex unpacking."
Then came the tsunami. A rush of recollections alien, ancient, divine hit him like Thor's Mjolnir on full swing. What came before was a whisper. This was Ragnarok.
Patch's teeth gnashed like Doomsday grinding his jaw before battle. His fingers tore at his hair, yanking out strands like a rage-fueled Wolverine. But not even that physical agony could dull the psychic storm clawing at his neurons.
It was pain etched into the soul like Trigon tearing open the barriers of a mind. His face twisted into something grotesque and primal. His eyes were bloodshot, screaming of a man not dying, but rebirthing into something far beyond mortal.
"Phase Two complete. Full Memory Synchronization Achieved. Integration complete."
"UGHHHH!" Patch howled like a demon escaping Etrigan's fire, and then suddenly, the torment vanished like a snapped Infinity Gauntlet. His body collapsed onto the bed like a marionette cut from its strings.
He didn't know how long he was unconscious minutes? Hours? A full Watchtower cycle?
When he finally came to, Patch blinked groggily and muttered, "What the hell just happened?"
"Welcome back, Master of the Axis Nexus. I am Augustus, travel logistics AI of the Lanbai Interdimensional Council. I am here to serve you as your humble assistant."
That voice. That tone. It wasn't the elegant calm of JARVIS or the militaristic edge of Gideon. No. It was... bubbly? High-pitched? Weirdly flirtatious?
Patch's thoughts staggered. Lanbai Council? Travel logistics? Master of what now?
Before he could finish processing, a holographic interface blinked to life in front of him, like a StarkTech HUD gone rogue. On it was a figure that violated every known law of taste and design.
Braided golden locks. Pink frilly princess dress. Lumberjack beard. Massive pecs. Glittering tiara. Twinkling eyes. The voice from before now emerged from this walking contradiction.
"Got any questions, newly promoted Main God? Augustus is here to help!"
Patch reeled back like he'd just seen Joker in a tutu. "What the King Kong Barbie?!"
"Huh? Could you define 'King Kong Barbie,' dear Main God?" the glitter-covered titan asked, tilting his head in mock innocence.
Patch's soul visibly recoiled. "Ugh I'm gonna be sick." He staggered backward, feeling like Deadpool during one of his fourth-wall breakdowns.
The pink-and-bearded abomination struck a cute pose and pouted, "Why are you being mean? Augustus only wants to help!"
"Nope. Nope, nope, NOPE!" Patch snapped. "Shut up. Just give me a second to breathe, damn it!"
The bizarre AI lowered its head, long lashes fluttering above thick brows. "Yes, Master God..."
Patch turned away, his mind spinning like he'd stared too long into the Speed Force. He sorted through scattered flashes his laptop screen showing an infinite novel generator, that strange forum labeled Main God Recruitment, emergency transmission, forced transfer across a collapsing multiverse...
"Was all that real?" he whispered. "That whole upload crash... That Lord God space sequence..."
Fragments aligned like a decoder ring spinning into place. The forced transmigration... The emergency landing... The strange systems...
"How the hell did I end up here like this?"
His voice was cracked, trembling under the weight of cosmic truths. He cradled his face, muttering with the broken humor of someone who'd read Watchmen too many times.
"This whole Main God thing... it's a f***ing trap."
Then a thought struck him like Barry Allen tapping into the Speed Force.
"Memory lock... It was blocking more than just my past."
Patch's eyes widened. "All this time... I never really knew what kind of universe I landed in."
He wasn't just lost in a random world. It wasn't the Walking Dead-esque horror of Resident Evil no Umbrella sightings, no viral outbreaks. If it had been Marvel Zombies territory, he'd be long dead, or worse undead.
A normal world? That was laughable. Patch had known from the beginning there was something wrong. The air was too sharp. The colors too vibrant. People too... iconic. There was weight in the silence, the way there's always a storm before the arrival of the Phoenix Force.
And then it hit him.
"What did that glitter troll call me again?" he asked, voice rising with disbelief.
"Newly promoted Main God," Augustus chirped.
Patch turned slowly, face blank, like Peter Parker discovering the Spider Totem.
"…Say it again."
"You are the newly promoted Main God of the Lanbai Axis Nexus."
Patch froze. And then, slowly comically his lips parted in astonishment.
"I I'm the Main God?"
He staggered backward, gripping the bedframe like Tony Stark post-arc reactor surgery.
Then came the manic laugh. Pure, unfiltered joy. The kind of laugh you'd hear from Lex Luthor discovering Superman's weakness was gluten.
"I—HAHA I'm the f***ing Main God! I DID IT! ME!"
Patch shouted like a madman, tears streaming down his cheeks. All the pain, the rumors, the years of being misunderstood in a superhero world...
Now none of it mattered.
He had ascended.
He was no longer a player on the board.
He was the one moving the pieces.
"The golden finger of labor and management finally came, and it came with this big one."
In Patch's mind, becoming a Multiversal Prime Authority was far better than the Overpowered Teenager Template or the Petty Villain-Faced Slapper System. Those were dime-a-dozen narratives—this was the cosmic league.
Bathed in the morning brilliance of a sun that looked suspiciously like New Genesis's golden sphere, Patch felt like the dreams he'd buried during his mundane life were slowly returning, marching back one by one like Captain America's army through a Doctor Strange portal.
It wouldn't be long before he got promoted to Planetary Overseer, received his Multiversal Salary Upgrade, became the CEO of Earth-421's Chrono Guild, won over some version of Emma Frost, and reached the peak of existence. Just imagining it had him on the verge of tears of joy.
Right as Patch's wild imagination took off faster than a Boom Tube opening, the absurdly dressed King Kong Barbie, his cosmic assistant AI, smirked and stared at him with something close to pity.
"Oh, right." Patch, disabling what he now realized was his ego-hallucination buffer, remembered a very important question and turned to Barbie. "Why the hell am I suddenly the Main God? I wasn't even one of the original candidates. Wasn't my designation Reincarnator No. 000001...?"
His words trailed off.
000001.
The first.
The Prototype Reincarnator.
Patch turned slowly to look at King Kong Barbie's tangled beard and glittering cheeks, and his gut clenched like he was staring at a Red Lantern Ring hovering ominously.
"What the hell this reeks of shady multiversal politics. Spill it. Now. What's the real story?"
"Alright, alright." Barbie pouted as if Patch had just rejected Harley Quinn's birthday invite.
"Actually, it goes like this…"
Patch leaned in, resisting the urge to punch the beard. As Barbie explained, his chest tightened like he'd just been hit with Scarecrow's fear toxin.
"I knew it. I freaking knew I'd been set up."
The previous Main God was apparently a second-year megalomaniac named Kibadayet Chanlovski a name that sounded like someone trying too hard to sound like a Wakandan-Russian techno-wizard.
Chanlovski, having somehow stumbled upon a fragment of Brainiac's Eternal Archive, used his absurd tech skills to hijack Patch's old XP-based Earth computer yes, XP and injected it with Infinite Stream Source Code stolen from the Time Variance Authority's old archive cache.
Then came the forced transmigration. Patch had been dragged into a prototype trial run, a glorified guinea pig test flight through the multiverse because Chanlovski thought a test case from "an unremarkable Earth" would be low-risk.
The moment Chanlovski conducted his illegal multiversal warp test using Patch's consciousness, he was caught red-handed by the Lanbai Society, aka the Interdimensional Council for the Protection of Personal Safety in High-Risk Realms one of the strongest oversight bodies in the multiverse. Think of it as if The Living Tribunal, The Presence, and Highfather all teamed up to form HR.
Facing this ultra-bureaucratic juggernaut that managed 2D, 3D, and Cosmic Layer Realms, Chanlovski was arrested without a struggle caught like Loki getting nabbed by the TVA.
The Supreme Court of the Lanbai Society then issued the following multiversal judgment:
"Due to the abuse of Main God spatial authority by Kibadayet Chanlovski, wherein he forced Earth Federation citizen Chen Xiaoyan (aka Patch) into non-consensual, high-risk cross-dimensional trials, the following verdict is passed:
1. Kibadayet Chanlovski is stripped of Main God status immediately.
2. He is sentenced to 91,038 years of penal confinement in the Null Dimension, beginning post-hearing.
3. His name and crimes will be published on the Lanbai Society's Interdimensional Bulletin Board for eighteen years.
4. Due to the trauma caused to Chen Xiaoyan, partial spatial authority over the Main God System shall be granted to said victim as reparations."
Signed: Lan Mupi, Chief Justice of the Supreme Cosmic Court of the Lanbai Society.
"So," said King Kong Barbie with a glitter-glazed grin, "now you understand how you got the Main God gig!"
Patch slowly nodded, dazed, then squinted. "Wait, wait... What the hell do you mean 'partial authority over the Main God's space'?"
King Kong Barbie waved a hand like Zatanna muttering backwards spells. "Ah, that. After the space was reclaimed, the Lanbai Society restructured it. They separated its divine systems, broke its command trees, and rebuilt them under decentralized protocols."
"And you Master Lord God got access to just two modules: Skill Exchange and a residual shard of Divinity Licensing."
"Skill Exchange? Divinity Licensing?" Patch eyed the pink-bearded guide with a Batman-level squint of suspicion.
"You can read it directly using your personal interface HUD. I've uploaded everything. I'd stay and explain more, but if I don't clock out soon, President Beyonder will fire me."
Barbie King Kong sighed dramatically, then pulled out a pocketwatch embedded with Chrono Crystals and frowned. "Also, the previous Main God did feel guilty. Before they handed you the space, he recharged your account with 1,000 Exchange Points. I uploaded those too."
> "Recharge successful: 1,000 Exchange Points credited to your account."
With that, the glittered logistics operative stepped into a Vibrational Slip Gate, flashed Patch a thumbs-up, and disappeared into the void with a cheerful, "Hope you enjoy your time here, Master God! Have a cosmic day!"
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