My godfather (whose fortune I afterwards inherited) was very fond of me;
somewhere about this time he used perpetually to be saying, "When you
get to school, don't you follow any of the tricks yourself, that other
boys do, or you will die in a mad-house; lots of boys do." And he told
me some horrible tales; it was done in a mysterious way. I felt there
was a hidden meaning, and not having knowledge of what it was, asked
him. I should know fast enough, said he, but mark his words. He repeated
this so often, that it sunk deeply into my mind, and made me uneasy,
something was to happen to me, if I did something--I did not know
what--it was intended as a caution against frigging, and it had good
effect on me I am sure in various ways in the after time.
One day talking with Fred, I recollected what I had done to the
governess. I had kept it to myself all along for fear. "What a lie,"
said he. "I did really." "Oh! ain't you a liar," he reiterated, "I'll ask
Miss Granger." The same governess was with us then.
At this remark of his, an absolute terror came over me, the dread was
something so terrible, that the recollection of it is now painful. "Oh
don't, pray don't, Fred," I said, "oh if Papa should hear!" He kept on
saying he would. I was too young to see the improbability of his doing
anything of the sort. "If you do, I'll tell him what we did when the
pedler woman piddled." He did not care. "Now, it's a lie, isn't it, you
did not feel her cunt?" In fear, I confessed it was a lie. "I know it
was," said Fred. He had kept me in a state of terror about the affair
for days, till I told a lie, to get quit of the subject.
I was evidently always secret, even then, about anything amorous,
excepting with Fred (as will be seen) and have continued so all my
life. I rarely bragged, or told anyone of my doings; perhaps this little
affair with the governess, was a lesson to me, and confirmed me in a
habit natural to me from my infancy. I have kept to myself everything I
did with the opposite sex.
We now frequently examined our pricks, and Fred jeered me so about my
prepuce being tight, that I resolved that no other boy should see
it; and though I did not keep strictly to that intention, it left a
deep-seated mortification on me. I used to look at my prick with a
sense of shame, and pull the prepuce up and down, as far as I could
constantly, to loosen it, and would treat other boys' cocks in the same
way, if they would let me, without expecting me to make a return; but
the time was approaching when I was to learn much more.
One of my uncles, who lived in London, took a house in the country for
the summer near Hampton-Court Palace. Fred and I went to stay there
with them. There were several daughters and sons, the sons quite young.
People then came down from London in vans, carts, and carriages of all
sorts, to see the Palace and grounds (there was no railway), they were
principally of the small middle classes, and used to picnic, or else
dine at the taverns when they arrived; then full, and frisky, after
their early meal, go into the parks and gardens. They do so still, but
times were different then, so few people went there comparatively; fewer
park-keepers to look after them, and less of what is called delicacy,
amongst visitors of the class named.
Our family party used to go into the grounds daily, and all day long
nearly, if we were not on the river banks. Fred winked at me one day,
"let's lose Bob," said he, "and we'll have such a lark." Bob was one
of our little cousins, generally given into our charge. We lost Bob
purposely. Said Fred, "if you dodge the gardiners, creep up there, and
lay on your belly quietly, some girls will be sure to come, and piss,
you'll see them pull their clothes up as they turn round, I saw some
before you came to stay with us." So we went pushing our way among
shrubs, and evergreens, till a gardiner, who had seen us, called out,
"You there, come back, if I catch you going off the walks, you'll be put
outside." We were in such a funk, Fred cut off one way, I another, but
it only stopped us for that day. Fred so excited me about the girls'
arses, as he called them, that we never lost an opportunity of trying
for a sight, but were generally baulked. Once or twice only we saw a
female squat down, but nothing more, till my mother and Fred's came to
stop with us.
Fred's mother, mine, the girls, Fred and I went into the Park gardens,
one day after luncheon. A very hot day, for we kept in the shady walks,
one of which led to the place where women hid themselves to piss. My
aunt said, "Why don't you boys go and play, you don't mind the sun," so
off we went, but when about to leave the walk, turned round and saw
the women had turned back. Said Fred, "I'm sure they are going to
piss, that's why they want to get rid of us." We evaded the gardiners,
scrambled through shrubs, on our knees, and at last on our bellies up
a little bank, on the other side of which was the vacant place on which
dead leaves and sweepings were shot down. As we got there, pushing aside
the leaves, we saw the big backside of a woman, who was half standing,
half squatting, a stream of piss falling in front of her, and a big
hairy gash, as it seemed, under her arse; but only for a second, she
had just finished as we got the peep, let her clothes fall, tucked them
between her legs, and half turned round. We saw it was Fred's mother, my
aunt. Off aunt went. "Isn't it a wopper," said Fred, "lay still, more of
them will come."
Two or three did, one said, "you watch if anyone is coming," squatted
and piddled, we could not see her cunt, but only part of her legs, and
the piddle splashing in front of her. Then came the second, she had her
arse towards us, sat so low, that we could not even see the tips of her
buttocks. Fred thought it a pity they did not stand half up like his
mother. On other occasions, we went to the same place, but though I
recollect seeing some females' legs, don't recollect seeing any more.
Nevertheless the sights were very delightful to us, and we used to
discuss his mother's "wopper" and the hair, and the look of the gash,
but I thought there must be some mistake, for it was not the idea I had
formed of a cunt.