My name is not madhavaan , I just said the first thing that came to my head , a hemorrhoids cream that I used to see in pharmacies in my village . I lied because I know there are ghosts attached to me and my name , maybe this kid might come with one of them .
40 years ago I abandoned my family , moved to another country , changed my name and took a job at the oil rig . You could say I did all of this out of spite , maybe I actually went there to live with the ghost that haunted me since childhood .
I had dreams about the asmerat temple , where I walked into the sea , deep into the ocean , eventually the lights went so dim , I was blind , the water so heavy ,I was crippled . The winter fog was always red , dew resembled blood on the leaves .
These happened when I was less than 3 years old , at this you can't articulate seeing the deep darkness of the ocean and the red fog . I thought it was just me pissing myself or my love for cherry juice . I had 5 pet stones , four of them kept fighting each other , at the end of every fight , would shove the devil right my mouth , not literally but the me stone . Then I took a sip of the juice and spit it on the king , this time literally .
My first life was spent in visions , I deciphered fear for the first time when I opened my eyes and saw cloudy fog for the first time . The dew on the lemon tree leaves was just water , a branch was glued to it from another tree .
My second life is the most dear to me , it's the only life I have ever lived , truly mine . In this life I had my friends , my sister and my mother . I abandoned all of them to search for vengeance , the day I smelled the red mist after an onslaught of machine guns , I don't remember if I was using mine but that doesn't make a difference .
I was being by the showered by the essence of revenge , as if my anger was evaporating the closer I got to it , a heat haze , gunning those filthy animals emptied my heart . This emptiness is not regret , the only regret I have is not making sure I contributed to the fireworks .
It felt like my life was two stories at once , one wouldn't progress until I died , or until I gave trying to live . When I returned to my home , I was walking through the fog , feeling lighter than ever , the streets hailed me as their hero because of this uniform , I was not fighting for this country , I was fighting to empty this hateful heart .
When I went home I just found nothing but tragedy , everyone wanted me dead , it's because they can't see to the eyes of a killer , they can't call him a friend , they couldn't call him their brother anymore .
I was then 19 years old my village wanted to erase me , paransara , the temple of god and it's people didn't see me as their own , they saw me as the first verse of the doomsday prophecy , I left my old name and life back in the temple of god .
It filled me with anger that the people of paransara thought they had the right to reject me , and everyone who was dear to me was on their side .
I came to the oil rig to look into the endless abyss , I looked into it as desperately as it called to me before . It tried to kill me again and again , sometimes the entire ocean was blood red , I wanted to empty my heart until I forgot that village and everyone I loved in that place .
I am not going for revenge , I won't take the easy way out to justify this absurdity . The hateful heart is the usual state of the universe , filled with all kinds of poison and traps , death itself is kind , people are not .
I am going back to seek forgiveness , I don't know if anyone I love is still alive or not , I hope the villagers or at least brody, liang , gujo gave my mother a funeral .
I wanted to relive my only life by finally telling it to someone , rehearsing my apology indirectly .