Morning sunlight spilled through my paper window as I opened my eyes to the sound of my five-year-old son Haruto singing about ninja squirrels again.
"Buff squirrel, buff squirrel, punch a treeee!"
I groaned and rolled over.
Another day. Another D-rank mission. Another chance to probably die in the stupidest way imaginable.
BNPP:
Daily Death Flag Detected!
Ah, right on time.
BNPP:
Suggested Action: Refuse today's mission and fake a stomachache.
Wait, what? That's… actually not the dumbest advice I've gotten.
I stretched. "Okay… but what's the death flag this time?"
BNPP:
Potential Death Scenario: Fatal pecking incident via rogue chicken flock.
I blinked. "I beg your pardon."
BNPP:
Mission: Assist elderly farmer in recapturing runaway chickens.
"Chickens? You're telling me chickens are going to kill me?"
BNPP:
Likelihood of Death if Ignored: 87%
I stared at the ceiling. "Chickens."
Haruto peeked into my room again. "Dad, your face looks weird."
"Chickens, kid. Chickens."
He gave me a thumbs-up. "Get 'em, Dad."
Easy for him to say.
One hour later
I arrived at Old Man Toma's farm. It was just me, a bag of feed, and 23 demon-spawn poultry clucking like they knew something I didn't.
Old Man Toma waved at me with a toothless grin. "Watch out fer the big one! We call 'er Beakzilla."
BNPP:
Death Flag Detection Update: Beakzilla identified. Threat Level: Catastrophic.
Of course.
I spotted her immediately. Massive, with one eye, a scar over her beak, and talons that clacked ominously against the dirt.
I shivered. "This is fine. I'm a ninja. A 35-year-old, talentless, widowed, Genin ninja. This is totally my league."
I took a cautious step forward.
BNPP:
Suggested Action: Cluck softly to establish dominance.
"You've gotta be kidding me."
BNPP:
Ignoring this increases Death Flag Probability by 12%.
I sighed and cleared my throat.
"Cluck."
Twenty-two chickens turned toward me in eerie unison.
BNPP:
Death Flag Probability decreased by 4%.
Progress.
I reached for the bag of feed, slowly scattering grains onto the ground. Most of them hurried over to eat.
Except Beakzilla.
She stared, unblinking.
I inched toward her, bag in hand.
BNPP:
Suggested Action: Offer a shiny object as tribute.
I patted my pockets and pulled out a rusty spoon I forgot to return to the ramen shop two days ago.
"Behold, mighty Beakzilla. A spoon."
I dropped it.
Beakzilla stalked forward, eyeing it… then pecked the ground beside it.
BNPP:
Death Flag Probability decreased by 10%.
We might just make it.
I reached for her… and she bolted.
"Dang it!"
Chickens scattered in all directions.
BNPP:
Death Flag Probability increased by 18%.
I chased after her, leaping over the fence, dodging other chickens, my dignity crumbling by the second.
Thirty minutes later
I had captured twenty-two chickens.
Beakzilla remained at large.
I found her perched on the roof of the farmhouse.
I climbed up after her, inching my way across the tiles.
BNPP:
New Death Flag Detected: Falling from rooftop.
"Shocking."
BNPP:
Suggested Action: Use ninja wire to secure footing.
I pulled out a piece of wire from my pouch and tied it around my waist and a nearby pipe.
"I swear, if a chicken kills me, I'm haunting the entire village."
I edged closer.
Beakzilla screeched and charged.
I threw a handful of feed.
It hit her square in the face.
She wobbled, slipped, and tumbled off the roof.
BNPP:
Death Flag Probability dropped to 0%.
I exhaled.
Victory.
I climbed down, scooped her up, and returned her to the coop.
Old Man Toma grinned. "You're a natural, lad!"
I collapsed onto a hay bale. "If anyone asks, I fought a bear."
Haruto ran up. "Did the chicken punch you?"
"Something like that."
Back home, evening
I flopped onto my futon.
BNPP:
Daily Death Flag Cycle Complete.
I sighed in relief.
Haruto tugged my sleeve. "What's for dinner?"
"Dango."
"Is that even dinner?"
"Shush."
I closed my eyes.
Life was beautiful.