The Abandoned Mining District turned out to be less "abandoned" and more "repurposed as a convenient place to dispose of useless heroes." The entrance opened into a massive cavern lit by glowing crystals that would've been beautiful if Kenji wasn't currently in chains and having the worst day of his life.
It has absolutely no mining equipment whatsoever. What it did have was his entire class waiting for him in matching fantasy outfits that probably cost more than his family's car.
But they weren't just standing around. Oh no. That would have been too simple.
The first thing Kenji noticed was Yamada making out with THREE different girls simultaneously while his legendary golden armor—which was literally glowing—somehow managed to not get in the way. His sword, which appeared to be on fire, was casually stuck in the ground next to him.
"SURPRISE!"
Kenji's eyes adjusted to the light, and what he saw made his blood run cold—or would have, if he wasn't already numb from three weeks of the worst road trip in dimensional travel history.
His entire class stood there in the cavern, decked out in the most ridiculously elaborate fantasy armor Kenji had ever seen. And he'd watched a LOT of anime, so that was saying something.
Yamada wore crimson armor that looked like it had been forged from the tears of dragons and the hopes of virgins, complete with a cape that billowed dramatically despite the complete absence of wind. His sword was so unnecessarily large it violated several laws of physics just by existing.
"KENJI!" Yamada boomed, his voice echoing off the cavern walls with the confidence of someone who'd never faced real consequences for anything. "Glad you could finally make it! We've been waiting!"
Tanaka stood nearby in robes that shimmered with runic patterns, holding a staff that probably cost more than Kenji's house back in Japan. His glasses gleamed in the crystal light with that anime protagonist shine that meant he was about to say something insufferably smug.
"Fascinating," Tanaka said, adjusting those stupid glasses. "My Ultimate Analysis shows that you've gained exactly zero experience points during your journey here. How... predictable."
The other classmates were scattered around the cavern, and Kenji's brain short-circuited as he processed what he was seeing.
Watanabe the nose-picker was making out with Aiko from the art club against one of the crystal formations. Her new mage robes were already half-undone. Seriously? THREE WEEKS and you're already—Kenji's thoughts were interrupted by the sight of two other classmates groping each other nearby.
Takeshi and Yumi were practically eating each other's faces in the corner, their new armor clanking together in what should've been the least sexy sound imaginable but somehow they made it work. Yumi's hand was very clearly grabbing—
Kenji looked away quickly. Nope. Not processing that. His brain had already reached its trauma capacity for the day.
"Oh my god," Kenji muttered. "Did everyone just... immediately start hooking up? It's been THREE WEEKS!"
"When you're heroes chosen by destiny, you gotta celebrate!" shouted Watanabe, coming up for air long enough to flash a thumbs up. "Also, Aiko's got this new spell that makes your tongue—"
"I'M GOOD, THANKS, DON'T NEED TO KNOW!" Kenji desperately wished he could unhear that.
More classmates were scattered around—Keiko and Daichi were aggressively making out near what looked like mining equipment, her healing magic making both of them glow slightly which just made it worse somehow. Hiroshi had his hands all over Mei, who was giggling and casting what looked like ice magic to "cool things down" which was absolutely NOT working.
It was like someone had taken a fantasy anime and merged it with a hormone-fueled teenage drama, then cranked the cringe dial to eleven.
The only person NOT participating in this magical orgy was Sakura.
She stood off to the side, her white and gold armor practically radiating purity, completely oblivious to the debauchery around her. She was... petting a crystal?
"Oh wow," she cooed at the glowing rock. "You're so shiny! Are you a good crystal? Yes you are! Yes you are!"
Of course she was. Sakura was so pure and kind-hearted that she probably didn't even register what was happening around her. She was too busy making friends with geological formations.
"Sakura!" Kenji called out, hope surging in his chest. She would help him! She always—
"Sakura, look! A rare butterfly!" Tanaka called out, pointing toward a tunnel on the opposite side of the cavern.
"WHERE?!" Sakura's head whipped around so fast Kenji was worried about whiplash. She immediately sprinted toward the tunnel, her armor clanking. "WAIT FOR ME, MR. BUTTERFLY! I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!"
And just like that, his only ally vanished into the darkness, chasing imaginary insects.
"Did you just..." Kenji stared at Tanaka in disbelief.
"Ultimate Analysis includes understanding human psychology," Tanaka said with a smirk that made Kenji want to punch his stupid smug face. "Sakura's weakness is cute animals and shiny things. Elementary."
"You calculated how to manipulate the nicest person in our class?"
"I calculated how to manipulate everyone in our class," Tanaka corrected, pushing up his glasses. "You're just the first test subject."
Yamada stepped forward, his massive sword dragging behind him and leaving sparks on the stone floor. The sound was actually pretty cool, which made Kenji hate him even more.
"Alright, Kenji. Here's the deal." Yamada's tone shifted from boisterous to business-like, which was somehow worse than his usual meathead personality. "We talked it over with the king and the royal advisors. Actually, we didn't just talk—we also got some... special private consultation sessions." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"The hot appraiser lady taught us SO much," Watanabe added, finally detaching from Aiko's face. "And I mean SO much. Things I didn't even know were possible with magic—"
"ANYWAY," Yamada interrupted loudly, shooting Watanabe a look. "Point is, we're heroes now. Real heroes. With real powers and real responsibilities. And honestly, bro..." He put a hand on Kenji's shoulder with fake sympathy that made Kenji's skin crawl. "You're holding us back."
"Holding you back?" Kenji repeated slowly, his brain trying to process the audacity. "I've been in a CART for three weeks while you guys were having a training montage! How can I hold you back if I'M NOT EVEN THERE?!"
"See, that's the thing," Tanaka interjected, stepping forward with his staff. "Your very existence is a liability. The kingdom's reputation is at stake. How can we be taken seriously as heroes if one of us has 'Minor Environmental Adjustment' as a power? It's embarrassing."
"It makes US look bad," Yumi added, briefly pausing her makeout session with Takeshi. "Like, what are you going to do in battle? Make the room slightly more comfortable?"
Several classmates laughed. Kenji felt his face burning with humiliation.
"This is insane," Kenji said, his voice rising. "You're just going to abandon me? After everything—after being classmates for THREE YEARS?!"
"We're not abandoning you," Yamada said with the tone of someone who absolutely was abandoning him and knew it. "We're giving you a chance to prove yourself! Solo! Like a true hero's journey!"
"Yeah!" Watanabe chimed in. "It's like... character development! You said you wanted character development, right?"
"That was SARCASM! I was being SARCASTIC when the king sentenced me to prison!"
"See, this is why you need more training," Tanaka said, shaking his head condescendingly. "You don't even understand basic communication."
Kenji looked around desperately at his classmates—the people he'd known for years, studied with, ate lunch with, complained about homework with. They all avoided his gaze or looked at him with barely concealed contempt.
Except for the ones who were too busy with their tongues down each other's throats to pay attention. Priorities, apparently.
"What about Sakura?" Kenji tried one last time. "She wouldn't agree to this!"
"Sakura thinks you're going on a special training mission," Yamada said. "We told her you'd be back in a few months, stronger than ever. She made us promise to give you this." He pulled out a small handkerchief embroidered with the words "GOOD LUCK KENJI! YOU'RE THE BEST! ♥"
The sheer wholesomeness of it made Kenji want to cry. Sakura, you beautiful idiot...
"Plus," Tanaka added casually, "the royal appraiser put a minor suggestion spell on her during the ceremony. Nothing major—just enough to make her more... agreeable to authority figures. She won't question the king's decisions anymore."
"YOU BRAINWASHED HER?!"
"'Brainwashed' is such an ugly word," Tanaka said, examining his fingernails. "We prefer 'optimized her personality for maximum heroic efficiency.'"
Kenji felt something snap inside him. Not dramatically—more like the emotional equivalent of a rubber band that had been stretched too far and just sort of gave up.
"You know what?" Kenji said quietly, his voice deadly calm. "I hope you all die to goblins."
The cavern went silent. Even the making-out couples paused to stare.
"Excuse me?" Yamada's voice dropped an octave.
"I said," Kenji repeated slowly, meeting Yamada's eyes with zero fear because he'd officially run out of fucks to give, "I hope you all die to goblins. The tutorial enemies. The weakest monsters in any fantasy setting. I hope your 'ultimate techniques' and 'ancient magics' mean absolutely nothing when a goblin stabs you in the kidney because you were too busy making out to watch your back."
"You little—" Yamada raised his sword.
"Go ahead," Kenji said, spreading his arms wide. The chains clinked. "Kill me. Add murder to your list of betrayals. I'm sure the king will cover it up just like everything else."
Yamada's sword wavered. For just a moment, Kenji saw something that might have been guilt flash across his former friend's face.
Then Tanaka spoke up. "He's not worth the paperwork. Just throw him in."
"Throw me in what—"
Kenji didn't get to finish that thought because Yamada kicked him square in the chest with the force of someone who'd been training with magic for three weeks.
The kick sent Kenji stumbling backward, his chains throwing off his balance. His feet hit empty air—
There was a hole. Of course there was a hole. Right in the middle of the cavern floor, perfectly positioned for dramatic betrayals.
"SORRY BRO!" Yamada called out as Kenji fell backward into the darkness. "BUT YOU'RE HOLDING BACK THE TEAM!"
The last thing Kenji saw before the darkness swallowed him was his classmates' faces silhouetted against the crystal light. Some looked guilty. Most looked relieved. Watanabe was already back to making out with Aiko.
And somewhere in the distance, he could hear Sakura's voice: "I FOUND THE BUTTERFLY! Oh wait, it's just a rock. BUT IT'S A VERY PRETTY ROCK!"
Then there was only darkness, the sound of chains clinking, and Kenji's own voice screaming.
"I REALLY NEED TO STOP SAYING THINGS CAN'T GET WORRRRRRRRRSE—"