Lilith
"You had sex with your bodyguard!?" Cassandra exclaimed loudly, her eyes a silent witness to her shock.
I frowned, knitting my eyebrows. "Try louder. I don't think everyone in the castle heard you."
Instinctively, we both turned to the door of the library. This had always been our most favorite room in the entire castle. Seeing that I couldn't contain the turmoil within me, I thought this would be the perfect place to share with Cass what happened. I knew I said I would keep it a secret, but with sisters, there were no secrets. This went without saying. It was Adrian's own fault for not assuming this in the first place.
Besides, I needed to address this situation. I couldn't keep it all to myself, because then, I would start thinking about a million things, confusing myself even more. No. I needed Cass for this, if I wanted to put all of this behind me.
To be quite honest, I didn't even know what I wanted. It was something new. It was something exciting. It was something forbidden. It was something completely foreign to me. That was what made me do it. It was as simple as that.
"It was a mistake," I shrugged, trying to make it into less than it actually was, for my own sake. "He said so himself."
"He said so?" she echoed, wondering.
"Mhm," I nodded. "But if he hadn't said it first, I would have, so it's fine."
Great job, Lil. Very convincing.
Cass didn't say anything, but I knew she was thinking the same thing. Still, I appreciated her keeping this to herself. I wanted to hear the truth she had to share with me, but at thesame time, I did not. I wanted to believe that such adventures were alright, if no one got hurt. In our case, that was exactly what happened. We didn't owe an explanation to anyone. Some might say I owed it to Luke, but again… we were not in a relationship. I made that perfectly clear. And our marriage would not make it magically so.
"So, we'll just both forget about it," I added quickly. "Pretend that it never happened."
Cass didn't sound very convinced. "Is that possible?"
"Of course," I scoffed. "Why wouldn't it be?"
"I don't know," she said cautiously. "I've never been in such a situation. I wouldn't know."
Neither have I, I thought to myself. But there was no point in stating it out loud. I needed to keep assuring both myself and Cass that it was really nothing. Just something that happened in the moment, something that didn't mean anything.
Anything?
I felt a little pang somewhere deep down. Luckily, it was deep down, so I managed to banish that thought. I was on a path here, and I couldn't deviate from it. Especially not because of a bodyguard who would probably be long gone by the end of the year, completely forgetting all about me. I had to admit that I didn't like this very much, but I attributed it to the fact that I was a woman. What woman liked the idea of sleeping with someone, and not being memorable to that same man? It was all a matter of ego, nothing else.
"Well, I know," I assured my sister. "We won't allow that to affect our roles and where we stand. I will marry Luke as it was agreed, and this changes nothing."
"But… don't you feel like you've… uhm… well, cheated on Luke?" Cass was careful when choosing her words.
"Cheated?" I frowned. "Not really. I mean, you know that we aren't in a romantic relationship. We're just friends, whohappen to be… forced to marry each other by their fathers, for the good of the kingdom. They can tell me who I will marry, but they sure as hell can't tell me who I love."
"You said love," Cass pointed out.
"So?" I shrugged.
"Are you in love with the bodyguard?" Cass wondered, sounding slightly shocked.
"What?" I gasped. "No. No!"
In love? God forbid!
I didn't even know him. How could I possibly be in love with someone I didn't know? It was ridiculous. It was preposterous. And yet, my heart was in a state of commotion. I reminded myself that it was just post-sex confusion. I was still under the impression of how wonderful it was, how he knew exactly how to kiss me and where to touch me.
Goosebumps immediately ran up and down my body, as I remembered the previous night. I even blushed a little. Luckily, Cass didn't ask why.
Instead, Cass chuckled a little. "Good. Because that would complicate things so much."
"Don't be silly," I waved my hand at her dismissively. "It was… I don't know. I can't even explain what it was. It was totally unlike me."
"I know," she agreed. "I mean, you've never done anything like that before."
"I guess that is partly why I did it," I admitted, getting up from the sofa and walking through shelves filled with old books and scrolls. I liked the smell of old books. They always soothed me, and I was glad I chose this place to share this with her. The hushed ambiance around us adding a sense of contemplation. The rest of the castle seemed to be in too much of a commotion.
"I feel like I won't be able to do anything after I get married and it is freaking me out," I confessed.
"Lil, it is normal to have reservations and fears about such a significant life change," Cass told me wisely, her gaze unwavering as she listened attentively.
I took a deep breath. Since we'd already started talking about this, I might as well continue. "I fear that in marriage, I will lose myself. I will lose access to all the things I love and enjoy doing, and my life will become something completely different, something I don't want to have. I fear that the responsibilities and expectations that come with being married will consume my identity. I don't want to be defined just by the role I'm expected to fulfil."
Cass nodded, her voice soft but reassuring as always. "I know what you mean. I think marriage shouldn't be a sacrifice of one's individuality, but a partnership that allows both sides to grow and support each other. You don't think that will be possible with Luke? After all, you've been best friends for such a long time."
I shook my head. "I always thought I would marry for love."
"I know," Cass smiled. "Remember how we envisioned what our future husbands would look like?"
"You wanted Darcy!" I teased her, remembering how much she used to love Jane Austen.
"And you wanted to marry Dorian Gray!" she teased me back.
"What?" I playfully defended my insane choice. "He was described as very handsome and very intelligent."
"And very much in love with himself," she added, to which we both chuckled cheerfully.
"Oh yeah, I knew there was something that didn't make him the best choice for a husband," I added jokingly.
It felt good to laugh, especially after the confusing event from the previous night, which wouldn't allow me to sleep at all.I hadn't seen him since then, but I knew he was around. After all, that was what Father was paying him for.
I tried not to think about him at all, but it was impossible. I needed Cass to assure me again that I was doing the right thing, and that feeling confused was to be expected. But before I could start that conversation again, the door suddenly opened.
"Ah, you're both here," Luke said, giving us a sideway glance, as if there was something he didn't catch at first sight. "Is something going on?"
Before Cass could look in my direction, I quickly responded. "What would be going on? We're just here, about to have some coffee."
He wondered for a moment before continuing. "It just looks like I interrupted something."
"No," I assured him, scolding myself that I had forgotten he was my best friend, and you could rarely hide something from your best friend.
But the truth was, I was slowly starting to feel awkward in his company. I couldn't share secretive things with him any longer, and he was starting to notice. I was sure of it. He just hadn't mentioned it yet. And now, of course, he was right. He could sense that something had happened, because he could see it in my eyes.
"Did you tell the servants to bring the coffee?" he wondered.
"Not yet," Cass interfered. "I'll go do that right away."
I gave her a silent frown, which was supposed to mean that she didn't need to go. But she ignored me, and quickly closed the door to the library, leaving us alone.
"Lil?" he asked again, walking over to me. I expected him to take me by the hand, but he didn't. A part of me was grateful for that.
"Yes?"
"There seems to be something on your mind," he told me.
"No," I shook my head with a dismissive shrug. "I just didn't sleep very well."
"You didn't go out again, did you?" He sounded like Father.
"No," I repeated. I didn't feel that I needed to explain myself to him. Yet, on the other hand, he was going to be my husband. Just not in the very exact sense of the word. "I didn't," I add, confident that he wouldn't find out.
"You have to be careful, Lil," he urged in a concerned manner. "I've heard that someone spotted vampires on our territory last night."
The thought didn't worry me at all. I was with Adrian. He would have kept me safe.
Luke eyed me somehow weirdly, but he didn't say anything. Or maybe, he wanted to, but changed his mind at the last minute. The truth was, I didn't want to discuss anything with him, least of all this. I needed some time on my own, some peace and quiet, but lately, it seemed that Luke was constantly here at the castle. He had been helping Father with some paperwork regarding one of his businesses, and that provided him with a constant excuse to be here.
At first, I was alright with that. His presence did not affect me in a way I didn't like. But now, it was starting to become too much. I felt like I couldn't have a moment to myself, and as a solitary introvert, it was something I craved.
"I'll be fine," I assured him. "Father hired that bodyguard and he's been following me everywhere."
He frowned, and I expected him to say something negative, but before he could do that, the door opened and Cass entered with one of the servants, carrying a silver tray with three dainty cups of steaming hot coffee.