It Started With a Spark of Genius.
Or so Kito thought.
He'd just finished watching a zookeeper's soap opera on a stolen tablet (he only meant to chew the charger but got sucked into the drama), and now he had… ideas.
> "Love triangle," Kito muttered. "Forbidden passion. Old flame returns from jungle."
This sparked a mission.
Find Dad a Date.
Because, clearly, Dad was lonely.
(This is where we must remind you:
Jumbe, the silverback, was not lonely.
He had a mate—Mala, the mother of his children—who shared a nest with him nightly, literally sleeping right next to each other.)
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The Selection Process
Kito observed the zoo, he created a shortlist, female gorilla from the neighboring enclosure (solid choice, decent looks)
Lady tour guide with long braids and peanut breath (intriguing, ugly)
A poster of Beyoncé in the staff lounge (unreachable but inspiring)
He narrowed it down to the neighbor gorilla: Safi, from the lowland habitat.
She was strong. She had spark.
She once threw a tire so hard it hit the fence and a tourist.
Perfect.
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The Pitch
Kito approached Safi with a stolen hibiscus flower, three stolen grapes, and a stolen name tag that read "Hi, I'm Dr. Reynolds."
He grunted suavely and gestured toward Jumbe, who was busy scratching his back on a log.
> "Strong male. High status. Excellent chest percussion. You come?"
Safi blinked.
Considered.
Then hurled a wad of dung at his head.
> "...Play hard to get," Kito muttered, wiping his face.
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The Date... or Whatever This Was
Kito, persistent, set the stage:
Arranged a shared snack pile (papayas, bamboo shoots, decorative kale)
Groomed his dad's back until it gleamed
Even made a welcome sign out of mud (it said "Hi Sexy" in uneven finger smears)
Then he dragged Safi over by one arm while Dad was resting.
> "SURPRISE DATE!"
Jumbe: startled grunt.
Safi: confused stare.
Mala: slow, rising growl.
Kito: proud smile. "I fixed your loneliness!"
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The Realization
It hit him right around the moment Mala barrelled through the bushes like a living freight train.
She didn't attack Safi.
She didn't attack Jumbe.
She just grabbed Kito by the head and hauled him out of existence with the force of a thousand disappointed mothers.
> "Kito. That is your father."
> "Yes, and he is very eligible—"
> "I'm married to him."
> "I thought that was, like, a roommate situation."
> "We nursed you."
> "Still could be roommates."
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Aftermath
Kito had to spend the next 48 hours doing apology grooming on both parents.
Safi never visited again, but she did send over a log shaped like a middle finger, kito still doesn't know how she managed to do that.
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Kito's Review
> "Okay, maybe I messed up. But in my defense: romantic subplots are compelling."
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