"…I propose we activate… Turnabout Mode!"
SPN:Parody Time – Submode: "Inexperienced Lawyer with Zero Common Sense" ACTIVATED.
A ridiculous alarm blared throughout the city hall. Out of nowhere, an orchestral soundtrack swelled, accompanied by a choir shouting "OBJECTION!" in five different languages.
Akira was swallowed by a whirlwind of legal papers, magical seals, and utterly useless blue flames meant solely for dramatic effect. His clothes shifted into a cheap lawyer's suit—bright blue jacket, red tie, and shoes shinier than the chapter's entire budget.
"Akira, Legal Attorney… PRESENT!" he declared, slamming his katana on the desk as if it were a judge's gavel.
The audience, which had been completely indifferent moments ago, now began chanting:
"Let the lawyer speak!"
…as if they had any idea what was going on.
"A month without writing, and this is what the idiot author comes up with… Please, I want to quit," Minu grumbled indignantly—though the lack of job openings made that impossible.
"Aoi Blaze…" Akira said, pointing an accusing finger so dramatic the wind itself seemed to stop, "…your arguments are solid, but they lack… narrative spark!"
"Eh?" Aoi raised a brow, baffled.
"OBJECTION!" Akira shouted. A massive panel appeared behind him, the word emblazoned in video game typography with over-the-top explosion effects.
"You idiot, you can't object unless someone's actually broken a debate rule!" Aoi snapped, exasperated.
Minu—now inexplicably dressed like a courtroom secretary—whispered.
"Remember: in this mode, you've got three charges of 'Absurdly Dramatic Counterattack.' Use them wisely, or the jury will pelt you with tomatoes."
"Perfect…" Akira adjusted his glasses, which gleamed with ominous theatricality.
"First piece of evidence!" he announced, pulling from his pocket a poorly drawn picture of Greenhill, complete with a smiling sun and the word COOPERATION written in glitter glue.
"This… is proof that Faraluz and Greenhill… can unite as one."
An awkward silence filled the room. Even the pig in the audience stopped sneezing.
Aoi folded her arms, ready to counterattack—but SPN cut in:
SPN:Suggested Combo Tourbonaut – "Absurd Evidence No. 2" available.
Akira smiled like he was about to either win the case… or destroy it beyond repair.
"Second piece of evidence!" He drew his katana. "Not only does it make me look like your average cool otaku, it's also been key to keeping this kingdom afloat."
"With it, I promise two-for-one discounts on alcoholic drinks every Thursday at a bar I'll open in Faraluz… once I can afford the budget."
The farmers began murmuring among themselves, as if this were a genuinely tempting campaign promise.
"And if you vote for me, I'll also add a union for dancing sheep."
"That makes no sense! And we're not even holding an election! You're driving me insane!" Aoi shouted, practically bursting into flames from sheer frustration.
The murmurs grew louder. Even the sheep baa'd in approval of the proposal.
"I cannot believe they're taking this seriously…" Minu muttered, more offended than Aoi.
"And now… my third and strongest piece of evidence," Akira said, as Cecilia handed him a battered, second-hand briefcase that looked older than the plot itself.
"There's more? Please tell me it's something serious," Aoi pleaded, sweating.
"Of course," Akira replied with absolute confidence. "Even a pharaoh would fall to this move."
"Don't tell me…" Cecilia murmured.
"That's right…" Akira opened the briefcase and pulled out a stack of crumpled papers. "This, mon chéri… is my trump card."
He slammed the papers onto the podium as if they were ironclad proof.
"This… is the power of the script."
The room went dead silent. Aoi gripped her podium, nails nearly digging into it.
"Oh no…"
Akira raised his accusing finger.
"The script is on my side! The tarot told me so… I mean, the god Uzaki did."
A gust of wind shot across the room from his fingertip to Aoi's podium, snuffing out her flames like a mighty blizzard.
"I… I can't beat him… He's so cool… and on top of that, the goddess Uzaki has blessed him…" she muttered, utterly defeated.
Akira straightened his tie… which promptly sliced itself in half due to the terrible stitching.
"Did she just say 'He's so cool'? Who was she looking at? Had to be me," Minu muttered, ruining the moment with the practiced precision of a professional saboteur.
Meanwhile, Aoi was frantically searching for a way to overturn this absurd—and definitely not scripted—situation.
If I don't resolve this… I'll have to marry this otaku. All that work to make this town prosper…
Akira's transformation fizzled away, and he was back to being… well, the same old him.
(A couple of sheep sighed, disappointed at the drop in visual appeal.)
"People of Greenhill…" he began, "…I'm not asking you to stop being prosperous, nor to kneel before Faraluz. I only ask that we work together… to return the kingdom to its former glory…"
(The narrator, in a solemn yet thoroughly annoyed voice): "Yes, now comes the 'inspirational speech' segment. Hang in there, it's short."
An elderly man stood up in the crowd.
"How do we know you won't abandon us? Miss Aoi does everything she can to keep this town afloat. I was there when the previous king took all our resources… This was a wasteland."
The room fell silent. Even Aoi saw a glimmer of hope in the old man's eyes… or maybe just a weird reflection from the candles.
"Well… I… I only have my word to give you," Akira said, a faint sadness in his tone.
"That's not enough, boy…"
It was then that Cecilia stepped forward with the grace of someone about to save the scene.
"This young man… is the only hero summoned by Uzaki who hasn't left."
"If we don't work together, Loevia or Harmonia will come to claim our lands. Is that what you want?"
The townspeople exchanged glances. They knew the maid was right—first their resources had been taken; their land would be next.
Aoi stepped closer to Akira, mulling over Cecilia's words.
"Alright, boy… I think we have a deal."
"So that means I won the debate?" he asked, a spark of hope in his eyes.
"Congratulations, Akira Usagi. You are hereby recognized as the king of Faraluz. Greenhill will cooperate with you in exchange for protection."
With that, Aoi turned on her heel and left the room.
"Ahem… don't you think you're forgetting something?" Akira called out, wearing the sly smile of an overconfident protagonist.
Aoi's temper flared, but she bolted out the door.
"I need more time!"
"There goes your first wife…" Minu commented. "I'd say she lasted longer than I expected."
And so, with his head held high, our protagonist—armed with zero charisma, zero ambition, and destined to die alone—had secured his first wife… by winning a highly questionable debate.
But he knew this was only the beginning.
SPN:Mission complete.
Rewards: 1 wife and 100,000,000 Flux.
(Kingdom balance: 0 Flux. Status: less poor, but still poor.)
To be continued… in the next episode—assuming we're not canceled, or if the author remembers how to keep this farce going…