I thought about him all Saturday.
That dumb smile. His stupid curls. The way he looked at me like I was something… or maybe nothing at all. I couldn't even tell anymore. But he stayed on my mind, like a song I hated but kept humming anyway.
By Sunday morning, I was restless. The house felt too small. The walls too loud. I needed to see him.
So I hit up my ride-or-die, my alibi-in-chief, and we cooked up a story: we needed to prep early for the class presentation. She doesn't even know about him—I was too embarrassed to tell her. I mean, what would I say? Hey girl, I might be losing my mind and morals over a guy I barely know but feel everything for?
Nah.
She didn't end up showing. And in a twisted way, I was both grateful and mad. Grateful because… if she had been there, I might've been forced to behave. And mad because—well, I didn't want to behave.
I got to school around 4 p.m.
Messaged him casually, the way girls do when they're begging but trying not to beg.
I sat in my faculty, scrolling through TikTok, laughing at dumb videos while hoping—no, praying—he'd come find me.
And he did.
He showed.
We sat side by side. No words. Just awkward glances and random stickers in our DMs like we were thirteen again.
Then he lay his head on my lap.
And I let him.
He watched TikToks from my screen, his head rising sometimes, his face inching closer to mine. It was slow. Careless. Dangerous. And when it happened—the kiss—it wasn't soft or shy.
It was war.
If the French were watching, they'd have surrendered.
One wrong decision after the next. The world spun fast. And somehow, I ended up in a stall of the men's toilet. My heart pounding, sanity flickering.
I almost lost my virginity.
But something—God, instinct, shame, I don't even know—stopped me.
After the chaos, we walked back in silence. He didn't say anything. Not even a joke.
He shook my hand goodbye.
Like I was just another player.
******
That night, I laid in bed, everything playing on repeat—the kiss, the silence, the goodbye handshake. And then it hit me all at once.
"Arrghhh!"
I screamed, wanting to throw my pillow against the wall, hitting the frame on the wall. I felt like a fool, a huge one. I enjoyed the almost sex we had but at the same time I felt irritated, I thought the next time I'll kiss would be with someone I love and care deeply for. I feel like an unpaid prostitute. And the worst part would be I'm seeing him tomorrow during training. "Oh God, save me, forgive me my iniquities and change the situation"
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