Chapter 37: Subaru's Decision
The moment he stepped into the familiar dining room, Subaru's eyes were drawn to Reinhild standing by the window.
Subaru reached out his hand toward Reinhild, only to realize it was trembling violently.
"Ah, sorry, I spaced out for a second. Um, are you okay?"
That familiar voice. That gentle gesture. Those sky-like, beautiful eyes filled with concern.
This was the fifth time he had lived this scene, after reliving it four times.
There were mountains of things he wanted to say.
He wanted to express the emotions buried deep in his heart. Yet, it was as if something was stuck in his throat—he couldn't say a single word.
His eyes blinked rapidly, tears forming at the corners.
As he looked at this version of Reinhild so full of humanity, so naturally kind to him, a foolish, helpless emotion surged once again.
"Are you okay? Does it hurt anywhere? Winston, go call Ferris."
Seeing Reinhild's panic, Subaru gave him a smile filled with apology.
"I'm sorry."
Thousands of thoughts condensed into that single apology.
"I'm fine. Just... I'm really glad I got to see you alive again. So, Reinhild, why did you call me here?"
"Oh, I'm sorry about the Bowel Hunter incident. That was my oversight. Are you really okay?"
Reinhild stared into Subaru's serious eyes and hesitated for a moment.
Then, considering that Ferris had treated him, the girl finally made her decision.
"Winston, you guys step out for now."
"..."
"If you're thinking of repaying me—for saving you, for the kingdom's sake, or for the fatal wound I took because of your immaturity—then just having the best healer, Ferris, treat me is more than enough."
"But—"
"If you want to say that's not enough, that Ferris healing me doesn't count as gratitude toward you, then I can only say I fully understand what I did. To me, it's enough. By the way, the food you made was really delicious."
Only the sound of Subaru chewing remained in the room.
"Reinhild, there's something I want to tell you."
Even though Subaru had chosen to lie flat in the previous loop, he had still gathered a great deal of information.
Most important was learning how powerful the enemy was—and how overwhelmingly strong Reinhild was.
These two facts helped Subaru make a decision.
—If Reinhild ends up like that again, I'd rather spill everything, cough up blood if I have to.
It would be better than holding it in.
Of course, it wasn't a reckless decision.
In the last loop, Bernie had said that the assassins and the Witch Cult followed that dragon, or rather the Sin Archbishop of Lust who had become a dragon.
Meili was also one of the assassins, and they called their leader "Mother."
All signs pointed clearly to the village woman being Lust.
Then she had said that the aura on Subaru was the "Witch's Love," meaning the Witch likely wouldn't truly kill him.
Thinking about it, Return by Death itself was a form of protection.
Once Subaru understood this, he made up his mind.
He would tell Reinhild everything—reveal the truth and expose his heart.
Subaru's expression changed.
Noticing this, Reinhild swallowed nervously and, just like in the previous loop, wore a serious look.
Before such a Reinhild, Subaru pressed a hand to his chest.
His heart was racing, partly with regret for not saying anything before, and partly out of fear for what might happen next.
He already knew what the outcome would be—and that's what made it terrifying.
It was a pain that felt like it would shatter his heart, that kept playing endlessly with no end in sight.
It was agony beyond any physical death, a torment so intense it could drive someone mad.
But even so, Subaru thought:
—What is pain, compared to the agony of seeing that Reinhild suffer?
Not being able to answer the trust given to him. Not being able to return the kindness.
Just watching Reinhild fall into darkness without doing anything.
Compared to that regret, pain was nothing.
—If you've got the guts, then really kill me. Pain alone won't stop me.
"Reinhild."
"Mm."
The girl sat upright and poised.
"I... I've seen the future. I know what happens next. If you want to know why... it's because I have Return by Death..."
Subaru tried to reveal everything.
But the moment he touched the core truth, time stopped—as expected.
Just like always, the world slowed down, then froze.
The colors faded, and all sound disappeared.
The wind, breath, the heartbeat—everything grew distant, never to return.
All five senses left him, and his consciousness was isolated from the world.
—And then, as if not wanting to leave Subaru completely alone, a hand of love, which he never asked for, began to appear.
Black mist formed, moving slowly in the air, shaping into an arm.
Until recently, only the right arm had ever fully taken shape.
But now, as their encounters increased, the strange demonic hands taking him away were forming even the left arm—albeit clumsily.
Both hands approached Subaru. The left hand gently caressed his cheek as if treasuring him.
The right hand, impatient for the affection, plunged into his chest, passed through his ribs, and softly gripped his heart.
Gently. The sensation of his heart being cradled sent a wave of terror through him.
Unlike the last time, when the pain came all at once, the black mist—literally holding Subaru's life—seemed to want to test his resolve, tormenting him cruelly to break him at his very core.
Even the pain that should've come didn't. Instead, a terrifying calm crept into Subaru's heart.
The resolve he had made to endure the pain, the vow to survive—it felt like the hands were mocking it.
They weren't content with just physical pain.
They sought a suffering that could break both body and soul.
It was a torment different from anything he had imagined.
Unable to move, unable to cry out in agony, Subaru clenched his teeth tightly, refusing to scream.
No matter how painful, no matter how terrifying, no matter how unknown the future was—Subaru's heart would never give in.
Because otherwise, he could never repay the kindness that girl had given him.
Because otherwise, his soul would never be at peace.
Memories of the girl who had helped him in the capital when no one else did... who had saved him in the end... passed through Subaru's mind.
And finally, he remembered the girl with the cold eyes from the end of the last loop.
—Bring it on. Carve the pain and suffering into me as much as you want.
With this resolve, I won't be so easily broken.