Narration on behalf of Logan.
Characters: Logan.
My name is Logan Hoffman. I was born in San Francisco. My family was prosperous and well-off. We lived in a large house with a view of the bay of the same name. I had a good childhood. But my parents were too protective of me and I got tired of it. I knew that one day I would have to break out of this golden cage and find my own way. It seemed that if I didn't get out from under their care, I would never become myself. That's why I wanted to get away from them and become independent. I dreamed of a good career, a good salary, and a big house, but not like my parents'. My house was supposed to be mine. And for this, I studied a lot and studied with a tutor. He absorbed knowledge while preparing for admission to a prestigious university. I went to bed almost immediately after I did my homework. Made every effort to go to study SEO*.
And behold, the day X is come. I wrote my final exams well and got a letter from Stanford University*. I was accepted! My heart pounded as I held the letter in my hands. It was a real triumph. The dream that seemed so far away and unattainable became a reality. All my efforts were not for nothing. I have proven my ability to achieve any goal if I work hard. I entered one of the best universities in the world - Stanford! The prospect of studying there was intoxicating. I was full of anticipation of freedom, new horizons and opportunities to realize in SEO. Represented himself as a successful, independent, sought-after professional whose knowledge and skills are worth gold.
I showed this letter to my parents.
– We'll always be there, Logan - said my mother, hugging me and crying with pride - Even when you're far away. Whatever happens, remember that you have us. And don't forget who you are. No matter how many scars you get, how many falls you take, we will always help you to rise. We believe in you, Logan. And remember, you can always come home.
- Thanks, mom. I know.
But I wasn't going to come back under her care. I had to go my own way. Stanford was waiting for me, and I couldn't pass up the chance.
– Stanford is a great start, my father gave me guidance, his hand firmly clenched - but not the finish line. Remember, the diploma is just a piece of paper. The main thing is what you will learn from your studies, what connections you will have and how you will be able to apply your knowledge in practice. Meet, communicate, make friends. You never know which of your classmates will become your partner, investor or just a good friend for life.
I nodded, absorbing every word he said. My father always gave good advice. He was a successful businessman and knew the value of connections and tenacity.
- Don't worry, Dad. I know what I'm doing.
My parents were willing to pay for my education and accommodation. But their voices sounded sad. They used to hold me under their wing, to protect from all adversities. But at the same time they understood that it was my ticket to a new life, a life away from them.
The collections were short. I took only what was necessary: clothes, books and laptop. The rest I thought I would buy on the spot. Packed my things and said goodbye to the house. This is where I spent my childhood. My parents took me to Stanford. I remember looking out the window of my car, watching the fields and forests go by.
- Will I succeed, can I live up to my parents' hopes, won't I fail? - such thoughts have been coming to me.
When we arrived at the Stanford campus, I was struck by its beauty and grandeur. Huge buildings, immersed in greenery, modern laboratories, sports fields - all this said that there are all conditions for learning and development. Stanford met us with the bright sun and crowds of students rushing to do their business. My parents stayed at the hostel, and helped me to unload things and get settled there. I looked around my room - modest, but quite cozy. Bed, table, bookcase - standard set of student. We said goodbye and they left. I promised to call them every day and come on weekends as soon as I have free time. I watched their car go away, until it turned into a small dot on the horizon. A new stage in my life began, full of unknowns. It was the moment when I should have grown up.
After packing up all my things, I set off to explore the dormitory. The endless corridors were full of life. From the open doors there were snippets of conversation and music. Someone was playing guitar, someone was arguing about politics, someone was just talking about nothing. I felt like I was part of this huge, bubbling stream. In one room I was attracted by a loud laugh. I looked at her - there were several students playing a board game. I stopped hesitantly in the door, watching their gambling faces. Decided not to stay late because I don't think anyone was waiting for me, and there were plenty of people there. In the evening I went out for a walk around campus. He was magical. I wandered through the alleys, looking at the unusual architecture, breathing in the fresh air, soaked in the scent of blossoming trees and freedom.
There were students in the park - who had a book, who had a frisbee, and who was just talking. I sat down on the bench and got my notebook. Opened the first page and wrote: «New life. Stanford. Day one.» Then I made a plan for the coming days. When I returned to my room, I felt tired. But there was a pleasant commotion in my head. I turned off the light and looked at the ceiling and smiled. A new phase of my life was just beginning.
The next day began monotonous classes. The first lectures flew like a fog. Studying at Stanford proved to be difficult. It's much more complicated than I thought. A huge amount of information, new terms, complex formulas - all this came crashing down on me. The professors were very demanding, and the amount of information that needed to be learned was staggering. The competition was high, and my classmates were real geniuses. In the evening, when I returned to the dorm, I felt completely broken. Euphoria quickly subsided. In the head there is a glut of information overload. I tried hard to learn and not to fall behind, but every day I felt worse. The study took too much time, and my personal life seemed to have disappeared. A few weeks flew by at this rate. Books, movies, music, hobbies, communication - with all this had to say goodbye. All walks disappeared. Even on social media, I had half an hour. Coffee became my best friend. I hardly slept.
After a week, I felt that I was breathing out. Every day became like the previous one. Fatigue and drowsiness were piling up like a snowball, and the lack of time for hobbies or socializing added to the sense of emptiness. One day during a lecture I just fell asleep. I woke up from a sudden push in the shoulder.
- You need to rest, said the fellow student, looking at me with compassion. I sighed, rubbing my eyes red.
Was it worth it? I started to think that I was living in vain. I was very lonely, an 18-year-old guy wanted to meet girls and have fun with friends. And the job of a SEO specialist did not imply communication with people. When I went to the window, I looked at the street. People were in a hurry, laughing, talking on the phone, lovers holding hands, rushing to date. Even the elderly woman walking her dog seemed happier than I. They all lived. And me? I just existed, locked in four walls. The burning tears rolled down my cheeks. I washed my face and looked at my reflection in the mirror. Moldy eyes, shabby hair, bags under the eyes. Enough! I can't live like this anymore! I have to change something or else I'll break. Find something that will make me feel the taste of life again. You have to understand what I want.
In the end, I started to spend less and less time studying. My social circle became more and more, and I started going to clubs. And now I felt alive as never before. I traded my coffee for a cocktail. Yes, and in general, I had nothing but communication and fun. I did not see the point of building some complicated interpersonal communications. I never had a romantic relationship or any close friends. I just needed to take a break from studying. My parents were very hopeful about me, and they sent money. So I didn't have any trouble. I had money for local clubs. And one of these parties will change my life forever. In a relaxed atmosphere, some guy offered us drugs. I remember him handing me this little pill. The sense of danger was completely gone. Many of my friends have had a lot of fun under the substances.
- Relax, it's just for the mood - they said, - Once live! Stop thinking, just relax and have fun!
I wanted to stop being alone, I wanted to be my own in this company. Besides, the drug cost a few cents. Driven by new sensations, I went for it to be accepted, not fully aware of what I'm going for. Just gave in. Succumbed to an irresistible temptation. Surrendered to the promise of fleeting happiness. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and swallowed the pill. The first time was like an explosion. The world turned upside down, the colors became brighter, the music was deafened. Each note penetrated the very heart, making it beat in unison with an insane rhythm. I felt a pleasure that I had never experienced in my life. It was exactly what I needed. I felt the warmth flowing through my body. The fears and doubts disappeared, as did the loneliness. There was only euphoria. Everyone around me seemed close, familiar, understanding. I was one of the crowd.
- You're not alone, a voice was ringing in my head.
The night was filled with euphoria and unbridled joy. Then morning came. My head was buzzing like a broken beehive, and I could feel the Sahara desert in my mouth. Every muscle protested against the slightest movement. Euphoria vanished. Instead of it, light anxiety first came, then anxiety became anxiety, anxiety became fear, and fear became unbridled panic, animal terror, and ice cold. Reality came down on me with a double force. The world was grey and dim again. More grey than before. Loneliness returned, but it was now even more depressing. Just unbearable. I longed for repetition, longed to feel that explosion again. I tried to grasp the slithering sense of joy, but it faded away like smoke, leaving behind nothing but emptiness - a huge, gaping hole that could not be filled with anything. And this thirst, this burning need, overshadowed everything else. She whispered, shouted, demanded, tormented me from the inside, like a hungry beast released from its cage.
But now I knew there was another world where I could be happy. And that world was in one very cheap pill. So I decided to do it again. I was ready to do anything, even sell my soul, in order to feel again the magic moment of happy euphoria, this brief glimpse of happiness. The hand reached for the precious pill, like a rescue circle in the raging sea. But this time, the effect of the pill was weaker than last time. Only the pale shadow of yesterday's euphoria, a pathetic semblance of what I had been so desperately seeking. The mad thirst did not subside, but only ignited with new strength. Now she was not just a hungry beast, but a real dragon eating me from the inside. I tried drugs again and again. I thought that for the third time I would be able to return to those wonderful sensations. But they did not.
Gradually I developed a strong addiction to the drug: I could not concentrate on studying and thought only about it. The lectures turned into an agonizing wait for the next dose. I tried to distract myself, to find something that could muffle this obsessive voice. Nothing helped. A wild thirst grew, consuming me from the inside. She promised a speedy deliverance, a deep oblivion, the return of that euphoria, that unbridled joy. I became obsessed. Obsessed with the elusive ghost of happiness, lurking in a mirage. Every next dose was worth more and I couldn't refuse it. I had to sell everything of value in order to buy the drug. Friends, work, dreams - all this became a gloomy backdrop for my unquenchable thirst. I stopped noticing the world around me.
Because of the absences I was expelled from the university and evicted from the hostel. I lost everything and ended up on the street. I became a pale shadow of myself. I wandered like a translucent ghost. In my eyes there was only a sad emptiness and desperate thirst. In the eyes of the passersby I found a sneering disgust and deep contempt. They turned away as if I were an infectious disease. I have become an invisibility, thrown on the edge of life.
When I was out on the street without money, I had a withdrawal and it was the worst feeling I had ever felt in my life. I was turned inside out. The body writhed in painful convulsions, the mind clouded, and reality faded away, turning into a nightmarish kaleidoscope. The withdrawal was hell on earth, a torture that surpassed all my worst nightmares. But even this could not compare to the pain that tormented me from the inside. It hurt to know who I am. I could ask my parents for help, but I was afraid and ashamed to ask them. To crush their hopes was worse than death for me.
– How can I even appear in front of them like this? I don't want them to see me like this!
I remembered their faces, full of pride, when I entered the university. So I did everything to make sure they didn't know about my expulsion.
I wanted it to stop, I wanted to go back. But the point of no return was reached. And at that moment I felt an immense despair. I could no longer live without drugs. And with them too. I had no friends left after I was kicked out of university. Heard that some of my acquaintances died from overdoses, and understood that I would be next. Despised outcast, worthless trash. I was broken, crushed, destroyed. Left alone. And how painful it was to see how people live in large comfortable houses, how children laugh, how couples hold hands while walking through the park. I could be the same. I could if I were more reasonable. I was thinking of returning to my old life, but it seemed so far away, so unreal. It would be possible to cure drug addiction, but for this you need a lot of money, drugs and long-term therapy. However, I have no one left to help me. And I don't have the strength to change myself. I won't be the same. Even if it were, the past cannot be erased. Can you glue a broken mirror so that it reflects a whole image again?
– Of course. Who needs me? Even if I got cured, who would want to spend their life with a drug addict?
The government is not interested in helping such people. By giving us food and drugs, it only prolongs our suffering. No one has any interest in treating such people, because the big shots in power get their share of the drug trade.
I felt an infinite disgust for myself, for my life, for this cursed drug that had turned me into nothing. I myself, with my own hands, dug a hole for myself. No one is to blame for my dependence but myself. I deserved it. Every moment of pain, every moment of despair - it was all a retribution for my insanity. I wanted to be accepted in the society and live happily. But here, I decided that momentary happiness was better. I don't regret spending more time with my friends. But if I had a chance, I would never get involved with drugs and those guys. It was probably possible to successfully combine intensive study and personal life. I only tried in clubs to run away from my problems. And now? I have lost all interest in night parties and socializing. Yes, and I am not in that position. Well, run away from problems, good. And I can not go back. What has been done, it is not changed. This is my important experience that became fatal for me. In life you have no right to make a mistake. Not on that one, at least. All those painful thoughts burned my soul. But it's the best thing left in me. Remnants of mind, ability to think. But it also faded, slowly but surely.
One day, as I entered an abandoned park, I sat on a bench and looked at the stars. They flickered, reminding me of those bright lights that once burned in me, but were now extinguished. They seemed to me as far away and unattainable as my former life. I looked at them and thought about how much I had missed, how much I hadn't done. No. I can't do it anymore! I was willing to do anything to get rid of this pain, this nightmare. And I saw only one way out - to die. Once and for all stop this senseless existence. And do it now, before I turn into an animal. In fact, I did not want to die. I do not believe in heaven, hell or reincarnation. I fear that life will end and everything will disappear with it. But I have no reason to live any longer. Every new day was just a repetition of yesterday's nightmare. And no hint of the possibility of change. There is nothing good for me. Only a miserable life of a homeless man and death from an overdose. I sank to the bottom, into a dark abyss where there was no hope. There is no further way to fall. I am already dead for the society. And now, only physical death remains.
Not wanting to face any more of the breakdown, the new doses, or the deep depression and anxiety that plagued me, I took a broken bottle and slit my wrists. Blood gushed, coloring the bench in a crimson color. The pain was acute, unbearable. But it hurt more to realize that I had lived my life so miserably - a unique gift that I will never receive again. The faces of loved ones, moments of happiness, simple joys of life, now lost. Lost forever. Tears flowed down my cheeks, mingling with the bitter taste of disappointment. I knew that my parents would one day know what had become of me.
- Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.
The world began to fade. The sounds became quieter. Life gradually left me. The breath became more and more intermittent, and the heart beat slower.
As I was dying, I felt a forgotten happiness comparable to the first dose. I wasn't afraid of dying.
Important: This work contains a realistic image of drug addiction and its devastating consequences, including depression, suicidal thoughts and ultimately suicide. The book does not romanticize or condone drug use, nor does it promote suicide. Its purpose is to show the tragedy of addiction and its impact on the life of a person and his loved ones. If you have a drug problem, please seek help. And remember that you only have one life. You can't just lose it.
Note:
– SEO specialist - expert in search promotion of sites. Its main task is to provide the internet resource good visibility in Google, and other search engines. The specialist is responsible for ensuring that the site does not just exist on the Internet, but consistently attracts the right audience.
– Stanford University is a US research university located in Stanford (California). Among the scientists and researchers working at Stanford University, in 2022 there were 21 Nobel Prize winners, 9 national medal holders for scientific achievements and others. Stanford graduates founded companies such as Electronic Arts, Nvidia, Yahoo! , Nike, PayPal, Netflix, Instagram, Pixar, Open Ai, Snapchat, SpaceX, Tesla, WhatsApp, YouTube and Google.