Ethan landed face-first in a filing cabinet.
Not near one. Not next to one. Directly inside it.
Metal drawers flew open. Sheets of ancient parchment flapped like angry geese. A yellow folder labeled "Confidential: Do Not Summon" stuck to his forehead.
He groaned and sat up, covered in paper cuts and a light dusting of interdimensional toner.
"Welcome, employee," a voice said in a flat, emotionless tone.
Ethan turned.
Hovering three feet off the ground was a floating orb with a single blinking eye and a name tag that read Z33-NA, HR Orientation Bot (Beta). The orb spun slowly, unimpressed.
"Please remain still while we complete your onboarding scan. Do not scream."
"What?"
BZZZZZAP.
A thin beam of light scanned him from head to toe. His stained shirt glowed. His pants sizzled. The burrito in his pocket detonated.
"Scan complete. Emotional stability: questionable. Clothing compliance: fail. Residual cheese detected."
Ethan swatted at the smoke rising from his trousers.
"Where am I?"
"You are now in the onboarding sector of the Omniversal Corporate Ecosystem," the orb replied. "You are dead. Spiritually speaking."
Ethan looked around.
The room stretched infinitely in every direction. Cubicles floated in midair. Elevators dangled sideways. There were potted plants on the ceiling, some of them screaming softly.
A demon in a business suit was crying into a cup labeled "#1 Minion."
"So, this is Hell," Ethan muttered.
"No. That's two floors down. This is HR."
Z33-NA handed him a clipboard that materialized from thin air. It had only one sheet of paper on it: "New Hire Welcome Form."
Underneath it, in fine print: Please complete in triplicate or suffer mild combustion.
"I didn't even want this job," Ethan said.
"Correct. That's why you were selected. Voluntary applicants are too enthusiastic. Poor conflict resolution skills."
The clipboard beeped. A pen appeared. It immediately leaked ink all over his hand.
"Let us begin," said Z33-NA.
Ethan filled out the form while being followed by a flapping FAQ packet that kept slapping him in the head every time he wrote something incorrectly.
Name. Age. Blood type. Favourite coffee. Emergency contact. Last known location of the soul.
The final question read: Do you consent to interplanar labour transfer under catastrophic conditions?
He checked: No.
The form auto-corrected it to Yes.
Z33-NA blinked approvingly.
"Congratulations, Ethan Graves. You are now officially the Interim Human Resources Manager for Earth, Sector 13C. Your first task begins immediately."
"Wait, don't I get a welcome video? A desk? At least a pen that doesn't explode?"
"No."
The orb spun and zipped away.
"Follow me. Orientation will now commence."
"Can I at least go to the bathroom first?"
"No."
Ethan followed, still smoking slightly.
Somewhere far away, something large roared.
His clipboard chimed.
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Mission Assigned: Evaluate the performance of the invading demon general
Location: Earth, London branch
Tools unlocked: Warning Slip (Level 1), Company Handbook (Outdated), Emergency Compliance Sticker
-------------------------
"...I am so underqualified for this."