Luka Modric
We are about to leave Germany, and a few hours later, I was getting ready and wishing to witness an accident of mine, only. I received a text from the guy from my nightmares, 'Know you and Leno got married. Congratulations on his failure.' I did not feel hesitant to ignore.
I told him sorry again for the matter, I did on that night. I do not have any idea what he thought about me. But he was looking at me cannily, the whole time. Many questions were unsaid then. He already stands at a distance before taking a step. He did not ask, it was another temporary peace of mind, I needed. I should have taken it. I visited to doctors but they did not write on the prescription about sleeping pills. I asked them, and they answered that I needed meditation and rest, which would help me get proper sleep. I did not listen. Meditation never helped me, and I did not mention those illogical things to him. I did not want any psychological sessions. I preferred not to describe it fully, I stood up, never bought another medicine. I drank alcohol, too. But I did not pack those in my luggage and trudged it to his home, so that I can not face any guilt, more. But I faced it at last. Things often remain out of my hands, whether I am holding them or saving them from the world. Fate is a cruel thing.
I could not sleep at night. I rested my head on the pillow as I found its tenderness comforting my head. But my mind starts thinking about the past, I wish it would never come back. But it gives me pain all the time, and I am already tired. The night before the wedding, I was not only thinking that it was already an unknown person, I would be marrying as it was by force and sake of obedience, but also remembering, wishing it were the person who turned into both my dream and nightmare. I was feeling it right in my heart, it became heavy as I could not tolerate its weight. I continued hurting myself. We, sometimes, stand in a stage of life, where things start turning into brutal and remain unchanged. Since the day it turned back, I pushed myself to find a way. But only I found was barriers. It was there in between us, a few years ago. It was for an uncertain reason to hold it. But sometimes, we have to let things go, when things want to go. Feeling like crying, feeling detached from the world. Why does the worst person win?
I could not sleep even that night. Thinking about him, I was going to get married. It was a history of how I heard about him. I could not say no. No, could not fix anything. I was looking for a word that could help me find myself. Things were already pressuring me then, and I did not want to extend it to give me more trauma. I was waiting for something that was never going to happen. Why do I feel sorry for myself each time? Unless reaching a certain point the heart will never lose its weight. But I tackled it, already. And already it is too late to get it. A certain point was never there. I had escaped from the life, I was spending for someone. But the place remains in its area, I was only running between it. Haven't crossed it.
Cruel, it was. Still, it is.
Going into another world wouldn't let me feel that I crossed it. He doesn't know about me. Only telling someone something can never find the value, from what I was moving myself. He will never feel it that I never dropped the weight from my heart, as it never let me. I never entered into his world. I never wished, never wanted. I was praying that my family would be happy. And if the way was coming from me, I could not stop it. I could not become the burden for their happiness. They saw me suffering, too. With me, they suffered too. And wished for something from their sufferings. At least, I can give it to them. They did nothing wrong. Just as parents, they prayed for their children's happiness, but their children chose suffering. I only felt indebted to them. Though I never wanted it to happen but I have to do it for the sake of their happiness. So that they could lose some weight. I do not care about mine. It was my choice, my sufferings. I can not let anyone be involved. Even if it is Bernd Leno.