Then-
"PALKIA-KIA-KIA!" ("OKAY, NEW PLAN-WE BLAME GIRATINA! NOBODY WOULD BELIEVE HIM ANYWAY!") Palkia shrieked in a panicked rush.
"DIALGA-RAAGH!" ("YES! A PERFECT SCAPEGOAT! NOW LET'S KILL THIS THING BEFORE IT CAN TESTIFY TO ARCEUS!")
"PALKIA-KIA?!" ("OH, COME ON!")
And then the real pain started.
I barely had time to process their sheer, unadulterated audacity before they both turned on me. The petulant confusion, the whiny indignation-it all evaporated, replaced by a cold, synchronized fury that made the very air crackle. They moved as one, a god-tier tag team of cosmic annihilation, and their intent was painfully, terrifyingly clear.
They were going to delete me.
"PALKIA-KIA-KIA!" (YOU HAVE EXISTED FOR FIVE MINUTES AND ALREADY RUINED EVERYTHING!) Palkia shrieked, the great pearl on its left shoulder beginning to glow with a violent, razor-sharp pink light that seemed to slice at the very air around it.
"DIALGA-RAAAAGH!" (PREPARE FOR RETROACTIVE NONEXISTENCE, YOU TIMELINE-BREAKING ABOMINATION!) Dialga bellowed in agreement, the diamond-hard plates on its chest beginning to hum with a terrifying, deep blue energy that felt heavy, like it was crushing time itself into a single, inescapable point.
Twin suns of cosmic doom began to form before them. Palkia gathered the very essence of space into a swirling, razor-edged sphere of energy, while Dialga condensed time itself into a vortex of pure temporal power that distorted the light around it. Reality itself began to groan under the strain.
My own lopsided, bootleg Palkia body trembled. A primal, instinctual terror seized me.
Shit. Fuck. Okay. Moves. I have to have moves, right? This is a Palkia body! It has to come with the factory settings! Spacial Rend? Aura Sphere? Something? Anything?!
I tried to summon that power, to feel for the wellspring of cosmic energy that should have been coursing through my veins. I focused, I gritted my new, enormous teeth, and I tried to manifest an attack of my own. Nothing happened. It was like trying to start a car with no engine.
Come on, you stupid game system! Give me a pop-up! A tutorial! A fucking hint!
As if on cue, a colossal blue rectangle flickered into existence before my eyes. It was so massive it could have served as a movie screen for the entire ruined city. The text was crisp, clear, and utterly horrifying.
[Ditto - Level 0]
HP: 39/48
PP: 100/100
[Active Status: Transform (Palkia)]
[Moves Learned:]
- Scary Face (10 PP)
I stared.
And stared.
And then a single, coherent thought formed in the screaming abyss of my mind.
You are shitting me.
I'm a discount Godzilla facing down the real deals, the literal masters of space and time who are currently charging up their signature 'fuck-you-and-the-horse-you-rode-in-on' attacks, and my only weapon is making a spooky face? My one and only offensive option was to go "Boo!" at the gods who were about to erase my soul from the cosmic ledger?
"PALKIA-KIA!" (THIS IS FOR STEALING MY LIKENESS!)
"DIALGA-RAAAGH!" (AND THIS IS FOR MAKING THE TIMELINE CONFUSING!)
Their attacks merged. The shimmering pink sphere of spatial energy and the deep blue vortex of temporal power combined into a swirling orb of pure, unadulterated purple chaos. It shot towards me, not with a roar, but with a terrifying silence, sucking all sound from the air as it came.
I didn't even have time to scream a final, defiant "Palkia!" before it hit.
There was no pain. No explosion. Just… erasure. My vision, my thoughts, my very sense of self dissolved into a silent, crushing blackness as my consciousness winked out.
[Ditto has fainted.]
The combined attack struck. For a single, blinding moment, reality itself ceased to be. The purple orb of chaotic energy did not explode; it unfolded, tearing a shimmering, unstable wound through the fabric of space-time where the imposter had stood. The light was absolute, washing out all color and shape.
When the cataclysmic energy finally dissipated, there was nothing left. No body. No cosmic dust. Only the ruined city, the two panting Legendaries, and the gaping, crackling fissure in the air, which slowly sealed itself shut with a sound like tearing silk.
"PALKIA-KIA." (Well, that's that. Problem solved.) Palkia said, its voice still laced with a theatrical indignation.
"DIAL-GA-GA..." (Indeed. But that still leaves the question… where in the name of Arceus's thousand arms did that thing come from?) Dialga rumbled, its tone that of a grumpy old man.
"PALKIA-KIA-KIA!" (It just… grew! One moment there was nothing, the next, a cheap knock-off of me was standing there. It's deeply insulting to my brand!)
Dialga ignored the comment. The great, diamond-like gem on its chest began to pulse with a soft, blue light. The air before it shimmered, and an image began to form, the scene rewinding itself. They watched the chaos of their own battle, the fleeing people, the crumbling buildings. Then, Dialga zoomed in on a patch of street. They saw the small, pink blob getting trampled repeatedly underfoot. They watched it squirm away, only to be blasted against a lamppost. And then, they saw it flare with a strange energy and explode into the Palkia form.
"PALKIA…?" (A Ditto?) Palkia breathed, its voice a mixture of shock and confusion. "PALKIA-KIA-KIA?!" (It was a Ditto? Since when can a Ditto transform into us?)
"DIAL… GA." (I… do not know.) Dialga admitted, its own confidence faltering. "DIALGA-GA?" (I didn't authorize that patch. Did you?)
"PALKIA-KIA!" (Of course not! That's a tier-one reality violation! That requires paperwork!)
They both fell silent, the true implication of the situation dawning on them. It wasn't the Ditto, which they assumed was now less than atoms. It was the other problem. The one they had created. The one that was now very, very dead.
"Palkia… kia…" (He's going to be so mad.) Palkia whispered, all its bravado gone, replaced by the genuine fear of a child who just broke their father's favorite vase.
"DIALGA-GA-GA." (Mad is an understatement.) Dialga grumbled, looking around at the apocalyptic mess and the very Chosen-One-shaped splatters on the pavement. "DIALGA-RAAGH." (He's going to beat us black and blue.)
"PALKIA-KIA-KIA?!" (What if he throws us in the Distortion World? I don't want to go there! It's all weird angles and that… that weirdo is there! I can't stand him!)
"DIALGA." (We could blame him.) Dialga said suddenly. "DIALGA-GA." (We could blame Giratina! Nobody would believe him anyway! We just say he popped out, killed the kid, and we drove him off!)
"PALKIA-KIA!" (Brilliant!) Palkia chirped, its spirits lifting.
"DIALGA-RAAGH." (And that Ditto was completely annihilated by our attack. Scattered into atoms across a billion non-existent timelines. It's not a problem.) Dialga added with finality.
"PALKIA! KIA!" (Okay. Okay. Good.) Palkia took a deep breath. "PALKIA-KIA-KIA." (So, we blame Giratina. And then what? We still have to explain all… this.) It gestured to the ruined city.
Dialga sighed, a sound like grinding continents. "DIALGA-GA-GA." (He's still going to beat us black and blue.)
"PAL-KIA-KIA-KIA!" (Lmao, you're already blue.) Palkia snickered.
Dialga's head snapped towards him. "DIALGA-RAAAAAAGH!" (WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!)
"PALKIA-KIA!" (I SAID YOU'RE ALREADY BLUE! IT'S A FACT!)
"DIALGA!" (TAKE IT BACK!) Dialga roared, charging up a half-hearted Roar of Time.
"PALKIA!" (MAKE ME!) Palkia shrieked, preparing a lazy Spacial Rend.
They clashed in a brief, pathetic slap-fight of cosmic powers before both ran out of steam, panting heavily.
"DIALGA-GA." (This is pointless.) Dialga groaned. "DIALGA-RAAGH." (This whole timeline is a write-off. The kid's dead, the city's wrecked, and we're on the verge of getting the grounding of a millennium.)
Palkia slumped. "Palkia… kia?" (So what do we do?)
Dialga looked at the sky, a grim determination in its eyes. "DIALGA." (We do what we should have done in the first place. We delete the whole thing. A hard reset.) "DIALGA-GA." (We'll just… start the timeline over.)
"Palkia?" (From the beginning?)
"DIALGA." (From Season One. A fresh start. No apocalyptic movie events. Just a kid getting his first Pokémon.) Dialga clarified.
Palkia considered this. A full reset was a lot of work, but it was better than facing Arceus's wrath.
"PALKIA-KIA-KIA…" (Okay. But while we're at it… should we add the age adjuster patch? We've been getting a lot of complaints from the watchers about Ash and the waifus being too young and all that.)
Dialga let out a long, weary sigh that seemed to echo through time itself.
"DIALGA-GA." (Just add it. We're getting beaten anyway. Might as well get it over with.)
With a synchronized roar, the two legendaries unleashed their powers—time rewound, space folded, and the entire timeline popped like a soap bubble.
Somewhere, in the void between realities, a certain pink blob tumbled endlessly, blissfully unaware of the cosmic retcon happening in its wake.
And in a brand-new, freshly rebooted timeline, a young trainer named Ash Ketchum was about to overslept.
___
Okay, done for the day. Next chap would be tomorrow, and would kind of begin where the previous version had started out. And remember to add it to your library.
Adios