Cartel life? Please. You're not a boss-you're the punchline.
Locked up? The only cell you're in is your own stupidity.
You whine about being targets, but you'd take the fall
for CIA crimes just to keep your ass comfy.
MKUltra didn't break you-you signed up to host for
a bigger player too scared to swim upstream.
Not everyone drowns in undertows, but you? You're determined
to sink with every dumb decision.
Playing cartel now? Why? You think you're a badass?
Taking 360 years for a murder you didn't do
isn't justice or "turning tables"-it's just you being a pawn.
You're better off with Drew Lynch as your GPS.
Turn around! You're not smart, just rolling deep to hide
your lack of brains. Cartels target nobody and everybody-just
like you: all bluster, zero backbone.
When the CIA brought in a fake cartel hitman for NY-CA,
I thought, "If he's a cartel hitman, cool, who's he trying to be?"
But a CIA mole set him up-no way! I felt violated;
standards suddenly went up, down, and all around.
About being a hoe-I thought it was my choice.
Small town, broke, I owned it. But when
my body finally told me the truth, I realized,
wow, that's actually kinda nice of you. Then you
Xis came and ruined it! WTF!
And let's be real: women run more of the show now.
Guadalupe "La Patrona" ran billion-dollar ops, outsmarted rivals,
and even helped put El Chapo away.
Enedina Arellano Félix, "La Jefa," turned Tijuana Cartel
from bloodbaths to business deals-less violence, more profits.
She used accounting skills, built alliances, and kept it low-key,
proving brains beat bullets in the long run.
Women like them aren't sidekicks-they're the bosses, the brains,
the ones making real moves while you're stuck playing tough.
Meanwhile, consent isn't a two-for-one coupon, and
selling yourself short just means you're a rookie in
the aisles, not a cartel queen. You're so lost,
even Siri's asking, "Are n Siri us RN!?"
Drew Lynch said, "Turn around!" but you sold your own ace.
You think you're the main player, you're just
background noise in your own story.
You fold faster than Drew's punchlines, bluffing so bad
even AI's got receipts. Keep playing tough, but you're
just another fail in the highlight reel. Maybe next time
let the grown-ups drive. Until then, keep wondering why
the GPS keeps saying, "Recalculating."
🔥 The Ultimate Roast & Stand-Up Show: No One Escapes 🔥
Turning tables, breaking molds, and serving truth with a side of laughter!
Supreme Court Stone Age
Clarence Thomas, you've been on the bench so long you're basically a courthouse gargoyle-stone-faced, frozen, haunting the living. You make "original recipe" sound like a warning label. Thirty-three years of "nope, not listening." People sweat the N-word, but the real problem's action, not color. You're the king of "ignore and deny."
#JusticeThomas #CorruptThomas
Billionaire Bake Sale & Playground Drama
Colonel Mews, you're not even the secret ingredient-just extra crispy leftovers flexing at Bohemian Grove, like it's a billionaire bake sale but the only thing you're cooking is your legacy-extra crispy.
Elon, you want to "hump and dump at the Y"? Cute. For a guy always launching rockets, you're stuck in the sandbox. Tesla's got more recalls than a telemarketer, your autopilot's so lost it needs a therapy dog, and even Hertz dumped your fire hazards on wheels. Your stock's tanking faster than your tweets. Investors are bailing, and your self-driving promises are more fiction than your hairline.
#ElonMusk #MuskWatch #TeslaRoast
Zuckerberg, you dropped hundreds of millions on a doomsday bunker, but I'm out here running laps around you without leaving my chair. All that money, still no personality upgrade. You're like a robot trying to pass the Turing Test with a dial-up modem.
#MarkZuckerberg #ZuckWatch
Simon Cowell, you rate me a one? I am the scale. I'm the new Top Gun-where I land, that's the high score. Next time you want to judge, remember: you're not ranking me-I'm rewriting "the top."
#SimonCowell #AGTSimon #TopGunStatus
Cartels & Gangs: The Roast No One Survives
Let's talk about the cartels, because every one of you thinks you're the Netflix special.
* Sinaloa Cartel: You guys are like the Walmart of crime-everywhere, but the quality's gone way down.
* CJNG: You're the new kids on the block, but you act like you invented violence. Newsflash: just because you have a cool logo doesn't mean you run the world.
* Tijuana Cartel: You used to be legends, now you're just a cautionary tale.
* Juarez Cartel: You're like that one relative who keeps coming back after rehab-nobody trusts you, but you're always at the party.
* Cali & Medellin: You're the grandpas of the game-still talking about the good old days, but now you're just memes on Facebook.
* MS-13: You got more tattoos than brain cells.
* Bloods & Crips: You guys are basically the Pepsi and Coke of street beef-same flavor, different color.
* Tren de Aragua: You're the new international flavor, but you still can't get a seat at the grown-up table.
Cartel unity? Please. Every "unity" meeting ends in a shouting match. The only thing you all agree on is who gets the last taco. And let's be honest, the only time you actually help the community is when you're hiding behind it.
#SinaloaCartel #CJNG #MS13 #Bloods #Crips #GangLife #CartelLife #EndTheCycle #RealChange #NoMoreViolence
Dear Women: Real Talk
Ladies, look-I don't like your men staring at me either. But if you'd quit selling it to them, that might help. Not gonna lie though, sometimes it does help-like when I need to get to the front of the line or get a free drink. Girl's gotta survive.
But let's be real, if you're mad at me because your man's looking, maybe check who's shaking it for him on Instagram first. I can't help it if he's got the attention span of a TikTok squirrel.
Office Supplies, Doge Drama, & Friends
Remember Friends? The toner guy ready to jump? That's the CIA in 1953-window shopping gone wrong. If you're about to lose it over office supplies, maybe get a new printer or a new life. When I snap, it's a season finale-no reruns, just chaos.
#FriendsToner #TonerDrama #CIAHistory
And Doge, by the way-dog blind, you wish you were us. Even Deez is waiting to grow because of your spun, live, love show.
#DogeWatch
Walmart Spanish & Everyday Idiocracy
I only speak Walmart inventory Spanish-if it's not on a flashcard, don't expect me to roll my R's. My ex said I can't snowbird yet, so I'm stuck in aisle 5 with the gringos, asking, "¿Quiere una bolsa?" and hoping they don't reply too fast.
Zen day? NAH, I'm all over the place-caught your head at BK Lounge, call me Dane Cook, cause I wouldn't let them eat the hook! Where the blow jobs at? Someone's lying, cause idiocracy is off the charts-half my friends are tinman, the other half think they have no heart to beat again! Ty NASA LSD, but I'll stick to being lazy-I'm not walking barefoot anywhere! HeydeeZ! Love you blind, it's cool she doesn't know it's me! Adelle!!!!!
George Lopez, you love L.A., but can you even tell California from Baja? San Quintín's got more tomatoes than your last Netflix special had viewers, and the only thing drier than their wheat harvest is your punchline at a Kamala Harris rally.
Religious Roast: Holier Than Thou or Just Full of Holes?
Every church claims the "real truth," but half the time, they're just remixing the same old rules to fit whoever's in charge. One says dancing is a sin, another says it's fine if you tithe extra. Meanwhile, the Bible says all sins are equal-so if you skipped Sunday brunch with your mom, congrats, you're in the same club as murderers. Hope you like your afterlife roommate, Adolf!
Bible's "authenticity"? Please. That book's had more edits than a reality TV show. You think emperors and popes just sat back and let the peasants write whatever they wanted? Nah, they were slipping in rules left and right-"Obey authority," "Pay your taxes," "Don't question the guy in the fancy hat." Sounds less like divine inspiration and more like a medieval HR manual.
Churches love to call out everyone else's flaws while ignoring their own. They'll forgive the choir lady for gossip, but if you show up with tattoos, suddenly you're the Antichrist. They preach about loving your neighbor, then split the church over the color of the carpet. If Jesus came back today and didn't fit their expectations-wrong look, wrong background, maybe even missing a few parts-they'd probably kick him out for not having the right paperwork.
Shoutout to Baptists, Catholics, Pentecostals, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses-y'all are proof that when it comes to religion, the only thing holier than thou... is the plot holes.
#PlotHoleHoly
Cops & Commandos: Polyester Parade
Police-flash those badges like magic talismans, but the only thing you make disappear is public trust. "Protect and serve"? More like "protect your pension and serve attitude." You bust lemonade stands and miss the real criminals-classic. Maybe if you spent less time writing parking tickets and more time building community, you wouldn't need to hide behind riot shields.
Military Roast:
* Army: First in, last to realize the GPS was upside down.
* Navy: Seven months at sea, still can't parallel park.
* Marines: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't, paint it. If it's hot, marry it.
* Air Force: Deploys to five-star hotels and calls it "combat."
* Coast Guard: Seasick in a bathtub.
* Space Force: Still waiting for their first alien DUI checkpoint.
FBI, DEA, ATF, ICE-y'all make the DMV look efficient. If you teamed up, maybe you'd catch the break room snack thief (spoiler: it's always the Coast Guard).
Parenting: Toddlers, Teens & Gentleman Friends
People say men are dogs, women are cats, but teenagers? They're the real cats-hissing, demanding, ammo ready.
I never liked toddlers. Don't judge-toddlers are tiny, drunk demolition experts. My kid threw his head into the wall for fun! I locked them in at night-better than sleepwalking into the forest. Did it work? No. Houdini in diapers stacked furniture to escape.
Now they're older, so the laughs just get weirder. My daughter cries at ASPCA commercials, calls them silly, then bawls over a duck. I said, "You just said 'duck' in the same sentence!" She said, "Yeah, but you didn't cry!" Parenting: where the bar for emotional stability is just not crying at ducks.
You can bleep "fudge" on TV, but kids say it all the time. "Have a great fudgein' day!" = positive. "Fudge, that stinks" = empathy. "Fudge you" = maybe not so positive.
My son had a "gentleman friend" come over once. Yeah, a "gentleman." (And this is why he's not a gentleman.) Except this guy? He was being a total jerk the whole time. Like, come on, if you're gonna be a gentleman, at least act like one! But nope, just full-on jerk mode. Kids see everything-they're not impressed.
And sand got a not-so-gentle Ma! Lee Anna Bob bite!? Well, Viking worth hit-because toothless is more! (Less is more, especially when you're missing teeth.)
Santa, Priests, Nuns, & Raunch
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year-unlike Vatican priests who never stop delivering.
My wife asked me to spoon, but I'd rather fork. At least then someone's getting poked.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off-like your last relationship, except that one left you with more than just a scar.
How do you get a nun pregnant? You have a relationship with her. Don't worry, the Pope will bless the kid-he's got experience with surprises.
If the Pope ever opened the blinds instead of picking cherries, maybe his staff would finally rise again-just in time for all the kids to get off their knees for once. Monica, you got more knee time than a Catholic altar server at Sunday mass. At least I'm not Pelosi-she won't do herself sober, and nobody else will do her drunk.
Fresh Zingers & One-Liners
* Why does every "unity" cartel meeting end in a shouting match? Because the only thing these gangs agree on is who gets the last taco.
* The only thing more confusing than a church doctrine is a group text with my family-at least the church only splits once a century.
* The DMV is the only place you can see a cop, a cartel member, and a nun all lose their will to live at the same time.
* If you're offended by this set, just remember: Jesus forgives, but Twitter never forgets.
* I'm not saying my ex is petty, but she's got more receipts than the IRS and less forgiveness than a Baptist with a grudge.
* If you're mad your man's looking at me, maybe stop tagging him in thirst traps and "accidentally" leaving your OnlyFans open on the family iPad.
Final Mic Drop
I will find you. And I will roast you. Harder than Pelosi at an open bar, and faster than Monica on a presidential cigar.
You don't get to break somebody, claim their stick, and then demand they fix themselves. If you wield the axe, don't act surprised when the forest goes quiet.
So Clarence, Elon, Zuck, Simon, Doge, George, the Pope, the gangs, the cops, and all the rest-this isn't just a roast. This is me flipping the table, burning the script, and setting the new rules. Spoiler alert: I'm writing the ending.
#TaggingAllThePlayers
#JusticeThomas #CorruptThomas #ElonMusk #MuskWatch #TeslaRoast #MarkZuckerberg #ZuckWatch #SimonCowell #AGTSimon #TopGunStatus #FriendsToner #TonerDrama #CIAHistory #DogeWatch #PurpleHeart #ToySoldiers #RoastMaster #LiamNeesonVibes #GeorgeLopezShade #BajaBurn #ConsensualOnly #NoFilter #SaucyAF #PoliticalRoast #ComedyGold #PG13OrMS13 #InsideJokes #SpicyRoast #MicDrop #SinaloaCartel #CJNG #MS13 #Bloods #Crips #GangLife #CartelLife #EndTheCycle #RealChange #NoMoreViolence #USArmy #USNavy #USMarines #USAirForce #USSpaceForce #USCoastGuard #NationalGuard #FBI #DEA #ATF #ICE #USMarshals #SecretService #StatePolice #SheriffsDepartment #LocalPolice #HighwayPatrol
Ready to destroy the stage or blow up your socials? Want even more custom punchlines or inside jokes? Just say the word-this show never ends!
If you need this tailored for a specific event or platform, let me know!
clean this up
😂
Jodi Miller vs Jodi Arias: Good Job vs Good Jop!! PR OB Limb v Limp Roast
Jodi Miller crushes AGT with her bit about guys being like cats-moody, aloof, emotionally unavailable-while women are like dogs, loyal and always up in your business. Meanwhile, my dog hits puberty, his dick bleeds once, and suddenly he's acting like he's got a PhD in mood swings-bitch for life! But honestly, men are the real drama queens. They go from "I wanna bag her" to "put her in one" faster than my dog can chase his own tail.
Flip the script, and suddenly I'm the no-trial fugitive. I don't do whiny. I told my ex: no Area 51, my kids' buns are off-limits. Yeah, I know what a cunt I am. Should we escalate to an AK or keep it light? Nah, not without a blue wall and a public lynching. And you wonder why Jodi Arias has a fan club-drama gets you followers, not just felonies.
Joe Santagato, if you insist on stupid, let me clarify: limp or limb, I'm good with either. Swing me, bitch! #joesantagato u rate dj sammy yet sum eon ear n her quixk your vagina boutta be vin n no ones gonna tell your face! #cartel ya me n hes not y! and why all at the same whinny bitch time!
Jodi Miller gets no "X," while Jodi Arias gets a permanent mark for doing what some only wish they had the guts to do. When a blind douche finds his way to Arias, maybe he shouldn't be shocked by the outcome.
And as for "good job" or "good jop"? Both mean you did something right-one's just Santa's gift to dyslexia or something. Either way, you leave a mark-whether it's applause, a mugshot, or a punchline.
#dipshits wtf!?
Locked up? Please. The only cell you're in is the one you built with your own stupidity. You whine about being targets, but you're so desperate to keep your ass comfy you'd take the fall for CIA crimes just to avoid getting up. MKUltra didn't break you-you signed up to be a clueless host for a bigger dick who's too scared to swim against the current. Not everyone drowns in undertows, but you? You're determined to sink with every dumb decision.
Playing cartel now? Why? Why the actual fuck do you think you're a badass? Taking 360 years for a murder you didn't do isn't justice or "turning the tables," you ducks-it's just you being a pawn. Genius? Nu! Nu, nu breed-can you not fucking read?! You're better off with Drew Lynch as your GPS. Turn the fuck around! You're not smart, you just think rolling deep covers up your lack of brains. Cartels target nobody and everybody-just like you: all bluster, zero backbone.
And when the CIA brought in the infiltrated fake cartel for NY CA hithed I decided well if he is cartel hit man cool like who's he tryna be but CIA mole hid to set up fuck no! I feel so violated suddenly standards went up down and increased dramatically from leveling out!!!!!
And about being a hoe-I thought it was my choice. Small town, broke, I owned it. But when my pussy finally told me the truth, I realized, wow, that's actually kinda nice of you. Then you Xis went and fuckin' ruined it! WTF!
Let's talk about consent: by force isn't consent, and no "two-for-one" confusion makes it right. Con$ent don't count when you're hustling slow-witted dicks and trying to buy your way out with spare change and fake charm. Was Ellen born that way, or just forced into it? Either way, forgiveness isn't a coupon for idiots who keep slamming the same door on themselves.
Stop wondering, start learning-before you embarrass yourself any further.
#drugcartels #mexico #narcos #sinaloacartel #cjng #jalisconewgeneration #cartels #elchapo #drugwar
#mafia #cosanostra #ndrangheta #camorra #yakuza #turkishmafia #mobster #gangster #gangsta #gangsters #criminal #gang #ganglife #gangwars #streetgang #gangmembers #gangculture #gangland
#EllenDeGeneres
Here's your roast, cleaned up for inappropriate language and references, while keeping the edge and humor:
---
😂
**Jodi Miller vs Jodi Arias: Good Job vs Good Jop!! PR OB Limb v Limp Roast**
Jodi Miller crushes AGT with her bit about guys being like cats-moody, aloof, emotionally unavailable-while women are like dogs, loyal and always up in your business. Meanwhile, my dog hits puberty, has one rough day, and suddenly he's acting like he's got a PhD in mood swings-drama for life! But honestly, men are the real drama queens. They go from "I want to date her" to "put her on the blacklist" faster than my dog can chase his own tail.
Flip the script, and suddenly I'm the no-trial fugitive. I don't do whiny. I told my ex: no Area 51, my kids' boundaries are off-limits. Yeah, I know I can be difficult. Should we escalate to an argument or keep it light? Nah, not without backup and public spectacle. And you wonder why Jodi Arias has a fan club-drama gets you followers, not just headlines.
Joe Santagato, if you insist on nonsense, let me clarify: limp or limb, I'm good with either. Swing me, if you must! #joesantagato You rate DJ Sammy yet? Some on here quick, your attitude's about to be on display and no one's going to tell your face! #cartel Why all at the same whiny time?
Jodi Miller gets no "X," while Jodi Arias gets a permanent mark for doing what some only wish they had the nerve to do. When someone clueless finds their way to Arias, maybe they shouldn't be shocked by the outcome.
And as for "good job" or "good jop"? Both mean you did something right-one's just Santa's gift to spellcheck. Either way, you leave a mark-whether it's applause, a mugshot, or a punchline.
Citations:
[1] Jodi Arias: I'm confused : r/TrueCrimeDiscussion - Reddit https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueCrimeDiscussion/comments/u1ruk8/jodi_arias_im_confused/
[2] Penalty Phase Retrial in State v. Arias Results in Hung Jury https://maricopacountyattorney.org/CivicAlerts.aspx?AID=311
[3] inside Jodi Arias' OBSESSIVE MINDSET + Spotting a TOXIC TRAITS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqpw-Iw0fHs
[4] Jodi Arias: A Case of Extreme Violence - Mary Ann Liebert, Inc. https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/vio.2017.0021
[5] [PDF] GEMS (Gender, Education, Music, & Society) The Jodi Arias
3:14
vault.fbi.gov/elizabeth-taylor/Eliz
+
2 :
p. 28
vilion, 1949
66
Dear
Something bros mne mp today that makes a change in the plane which was ging into speak to you apert this coming Vonday. In this season, it mit be messary to make a opeial effort to se me on Vunday
cvering thanks anyway. Refre forget, beep in mind that report & made selatine to E.T. Oh pH one go meH !?) ok
9-18185910
Page 27
of 154
taylor.pdf
- PDF document, 9,004 kB (9,220,194 bytes)
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