Nox's POV:
"SYSTEMS OVERLOADED!"
"THE ENERGY GENERATOR IS UNSTABLE!"
"WE ARE GOING DOWN!"
"SHUT UP!" I shouted at the drama queens running around my ship.
I had constructed the perfect plan. I enter the competition, I use Riri and the Phantom to get out of any trouble, and if anything goes wrong which it usually does, I have my kids and Wimps gang of ghost robots pilot my newly built getaway UFO when I rob the place blind. I had gone through the trouble of turning my money printing machine into a power generator for this, but then the chief of police had to come chasing after us.
*BOOM*
"AAAHH! WE'RE DOOMED!!!"
"I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD PERMISSION! WHY IS THE KING OF THE 2ND MOON AFTER US?!"
"I SAID SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO KEEP THE GENERATOR FROM EXPLODING! SO, KEEP IT DOWN OR ELSE!!!" I shouted at the incompetent bird face with a smashed beak.
This shabby excuse for a mythical golem was supposed to take care of any major powerhouses that suddenly decided to butt in where they didn't belong, only to get his shiny feathery ass handed to him in a golden pizza box in ten minutes or less. How will I ever afford such expensive toppings when my bird brain robot can't fend off the pizza guy.
"I REFUSE TO PAY YOUR FRAUDULENT PRICES! GIVE ME FREE PIZZA OR GIVE ME DEATH!"
"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT PIZZA! WE ARE GOING TO DIE!"
"DESCENDENT! PLEASE TALK SOME SENSE INTO YOUR MASTER!" Some stupid ghost robot shouted at my Wimpy daughter while she was trying to focus on her zero-gravity poker game.
"Boss! Are we about to die?" She looked up and asked me with her puppy eyes.
"HELL, NAH! NOW HOLD ON TIGHT! MAMA NOX IS BRINGING HOME PIZZA FOR DINNER" I shouted as I began feeling the need.
"WHAT NONSENSE, THE THRUSTERS ARE BROKEN AND WE ARE PLUMMETING FROM 200 KILOMETERS IN THE AIR! IF THE IMPACT FROM HITTING THE GROUND DOESN'T KILL US, HE WILL!"
"THE NEED FOR SPEED! AHAHAHAHAHA!" I cackled as I finished rerouting the power, and pulled the lever.
After escaping the junky convention with a box full of doe, the stupid pizza guy, who kicked the bird brain's ass, came chasing after us. He apparently won't be satisfied until he has completely sunk my spaceship. Hence, why he immediately targeted my thrusters and levitation enchantments after he caught up to us, but little did he know I had installed a secret rocket thruster on the top of this spacecraft.
"WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE?!"
"WE ARE FALLING EVEN FASTER NOW!"
"I KNEW IT! SHE HAS GONE MAD AND IS TRYING TO TAKE US DOWN WITH HER!"
The ghost robots pinned to the ceiling complained, as I turned what was left of my getaway vehicle into a meteor. My only regret is ruining my kids' poker game, as they threw away their cards in favor of following my advice of holding on to something.
"AAAHH! THE GROUND!"
"And boop!" I said, right before pressing the portal button.
*Click*
*POP*
*BANG*
"Eww! There is a pizza guy under my ship! Hey, bird brain! This is your mess, so if his remains are splattered on the underside of my UFO then you have to clean it up!" I said to the bird brain as I felt gravity slowly returning to normal.
"WHAT DID YOU DO?!" the bird brain asked me.
"I punched open a last-minute worm to get the jump on the pizza guy!"
"WHAT?!"
"I think she said we teleported right over the enemy!" Wimp dumbed down so that the ghost mechs could comprehend my words of wisdom.
"Okay, but how are we slowing down! The thrusters are still busted?" One of the ghost robots asked.
"Because my ship stepped on a radioactive pizza guy and now has the power of slow falling!" I explained.
"I think she means the enemy is pinned underneath the ship and is trying to stop our descent before we hit the ground!" Slowpoke translated into the language of robots.
"That doesn't make any sense! He is an immortal spatial cultivator! Even if he somehow didn't notice the spatial distortion before-hand, he could just teleport out of the way and let us fall!"
"Worms rule, and immortals drool!" I spoke.
"Okay, so what does that mean?" The bird brain asked as he couldn't even understand such a simple explanation.
Fortunately for him, my kids are bilingual and can translate my wise words to whatever language these robot cavemen speak.
"…"
"Yeah, I got nothing! Kenji?"
"Not a clue!"
Oh, no! It seems my kids were so focused on learning caveman binary that they are starting to forget what I taught them.
"I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! CLASS IS IN SESSION!" I proclaimed as I put on my teacher's glasses and began my fun lesson on why worms are the best.
They were practically climbing over each other with excitement the moment they saw their old friend, teacher's assistant pain-stick.
"Okay! Today's lesson is on-!"
"Do we really have the time for whatever this is?"
Interrupting my lesson was bird brain who just won the lottery.
"CONGRADULATIONS! YOU JUST WON THE CLASS RECORD FOR FASTEST RULE BREAKER! HERE IS YOUR PRIZE!"
"Wha-!"
*Bonk*
"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
After giving the bird brain his prize I went back to the lesson.
"Okay, so who here can tell me what a wormhole is? Yes, Meathead!"
"It's a spatial distortion, right?"
"5 points! It's not just any kind of spatial distortion! It's the strongest kind of spatial distortion! Not only does it fuck with space, but it also fucks with time! Most spatial distortions usually take some time to fully form, which would give space experts like the pizza guy, plenty of time to respond before anything happens, but that isn't true for wormholes! Cause worms are so great at poking holes in space-time, the portals will form instantly wherever or whenever they want! Yes, Slowpoke?"
"Does that mean we can time-travel?"
"Kind of! It would take a crap load of extra energy, but you could jump into the future! Yes, Wimp?"
"Can we travel back in time?"
"Kind of, but not really! It's possible on paper, but the world would quite literally end the moment you did cause of paradox rules! There are other ways, but they are also confusing and difficult to pull off, while having some sort of weird catch that may or may not involve non-existent cats! So, in short, don't fuck with the past, fuck with the future instead! Yes, bird brain?" I said, gesturing for the reformed bird-man with his hand in the air to speak.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING YOU STRUCK ME WITH?!"
"Great question! The reason why the pizza guy can't teleport away is because of the lingering traces from the wormhole!"
"THAT IS NOT WHAT I AS-!"
*Bonk*
"AAAAHHH!"
"So, elemental energy regardless of type has a habit of sticking to things it comes into contact with, and spatial distortions are littered with the spatial elements! However, the amount that sticks to you from walking through your run of the mill space hole is negligible, but that's not the case for wormholes! Because of all the energy needed to make them, you are going to be soaked in the spatial element after swimming through one, which will interfere with any spatial movements in the immediate vicinity, making most forms of teleportation impossible! Hence, why the pizza guy has to stop this rocket powered meteor with his bare hands if he doesn't want to get smooshed underneath it! And that is the end of the lesson!"
With my kids educated about the awesome power of worms, I relaxed into my toilet-shaped chair while reading the latest news on my control panel.
"Let's see here! OH NO!" I exclaimed at the shocking turn of events.
"What's wrong now?!" The bird brain asked me.
"THERE IS GOING TO BE A PIZZA FAMINE! QUICKLY! EVERYONE INTO THE PANTRY!" I shouted before throwing everyone into my storage closet.
"Hey, what's the big idea!"
"It's too cramped in here!"
"What's with all the boxes?"
*Swoosh*
*Click*
"HEY! OPEN THE DOOR!"
*Bang**bang**bang*
"IT'S TOO CRAMPED! I CAN'T BREATHE!"
"Why would that be a problem? You're a golem, you don't have lungs!"
"I'M CLAUSTROPHOBIC! DON'T JUDGE ME!"
*Boop*
After locking everyone in the closet for their own good, I pulled off the big red button on the side of the door and pressed the little blue button hidden behind it.
*Rumble*
"Hey! Is it just me or is this room starting to shake?"
*SWOOSH*
"AAAAAAaaaaaahhhhh!"
I could hear their grateful screams of terror fade into the distance as my rocket powered escape pod/storage space was launched into the horizon.
"Phew! That was a close one!" I said, before sitting back down in my toilet-chair.
As a mother, my number 1 priority is my kids' future, which is why I couldn't just let the pizza guy steal their college fund. I also couldn't trust those shifty golems to not pocket or lose the money. That is why I fired my closeted kids into the sky at the speed of sound, and just so they wouldn't get bored, I let them fly without seat belts, cause I'm a cool parent.
*SWOOSH*
"Whoops! Time to bail!"
Interrupting my cool mom-thoughts, was the sudden change in inertia. The pizza guy had managed to stop the ship's momentum, before deciding to throw it towards a nearby mountain. Seeing it was about time to cut my losses and bail I reached for the rope dangling next to my seat to activate the emergency escape function. However, …
"Whoa! Crap!"
*SWOOSH*
*THUD*
Right before I was about to pull the plug on this situation, the ship suddenly stopped before hitting the ground. Before I could see who was responsible for this, I was launched out of my seat by the sudden change in momentum.
*Bang*
*Snap*
Due to recent events, I reflexively started posing midair before smacking into the wall, causing my arm to be bent at a funny angle upon impact.
"This is kind of dangerous! If only there existed some kind of safety feature that could prevent someone from flying out of their seat! Like a rope or belt that pinned you to your chair!" I said, lamenting how this tragedy was unavoidable as I snapped my bone back into place.
Knowing just how awful my luck is, I decided to prioritize pulling the toilet rope rather than figuring out why my crumbling spaceship wasn't laying scattered across the mountain. Unfortunately, just when I was about to grab the rope to freedom, I was kidnapped by none other than phantom toast. The rude bastard had torn open a hole in the wall and yanked me away moments before I could flush the toilet. What an unhygienic asshole.
"There is no need to be afraid! You are safe now!" He said, while holding me with his probably poop-stained hands.
"Eww! Get off me!" I said, as I struggled to get free from this kidnapper.
"Hey, stop that! If I drop you from this height, you could die!"
"SHUT UP! I NEED TO FLUSH THE TOILET BEFORE-!"
*CRASH*
*BOOM*
Interrupting my formal complaints was the sound of my dreams of infinite money shattering into a million pieces, again. I had nearly finished making my money printer when the tournament happened. I was low on funds and needed an engine for my UFO, so I decided to convert my unfinished money printer into one until I could afford to make a replacement. I even made an emergency escape pod for it, just in case the ship went under, and yet.
*BOOM*
"It's gone!"
I just stared blankly at the nuclear rainbow mushroom clouds shooting out of the wreckage as I tried to concentrate on not losing my shit over my grieving bank account screaming out in pain.
"Uh, miss Su?"
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU JUST DID?!"
Unfortunately, dirty heroes does not care for the feelings of the poor.
"I... Saved you?"
"SAVED?! I NEVER ASKED OR WANTED TO BE 'SAVED'!"
"You should be grateful to the man who just saved your life!" Said the pizza guy.
*SIZZLE*
Seeing the person who shot down my ship for no reason, I pulled out my magic gun and fired a supercharged laser at his face, only for the laser to bend around him because of his spatial bullshit.
"WHAT THE FUCK MAN! WHY'D YOU ATTACK MY SHIP PIZZA GUY?!"
"Your ship? Are you saying you're the one who tried to invade my moon?"
"INVADE?! I DIDN'T INVADE SHIT! I WAS TRYING TO GO HOME!"
"Do you take me for a fool girl! The 2nd moon is a restricted airspace! I did not give you permission to bring such a giant aircraft into my lands!"
"READ IT AND WEEP ASSHOLE! YOU OWE ME A SPACESHIP!" I said as I folded my UFO permit, courtesy of my royal fan and threw it at his face.
"…!"
"Ehem! It seems like there has been a mix-up! Young lady, you can rest assured that you will be recompensated for your losses!"
"It cost me 1000 high-grade magic stones to make that ship!"
"…!"
The pizza guy just stared at the rampaging cataclysm happening below us as a result of my money printer going haywire as he heard what it would cost to replace the UFO he just totaled.
"Ehem! I am sure that one of the latest models of our-!"
"If you don't have the money by next month, I'll invade you for real! Bye!" I said as I pressed the eject button conveniently placed inside this toasty ghosty hero of unflushed toilet's eye.
"Ouch! Oh, crap!"
Pulling out my latest version of the spatial cube, I waved goodbye to the dirty hero and the serious-looking pizza guy as I teleported away.