Being an average jujutsu sorcerer was a massive pain in the ass.
It seemed like no matter how many extra hours you poured into training, you could never close the gap of raw talent between you and those infuriatingly gifted prodigies like Hakari, Kirara, or Megumi. But what you lacked in flashy innate techniques, you made up for in sheer stubbornness and a boatload of spite.
Having Soulstring, a special-grade bow that could manifest arrows from your cursed energy, definitely gave you a leg up in battles. When you first got your hands on that bad boy, however, it was about as easy to handle as a wet bar of soap. Just one shot took you almost three painstaking minutes to charge up. Not exactly practical timing when deadly curses were baring their gnarly fangs in your face. Eventually, through endless training (and no shortage of cursing), you learned to channel your own cursed energy through Soulstring more efficiently without wanting to throw it off a cliff. Now, wielding Soulstring had become second nature, an extension of your body. You could shoot as fast as your smart mouth could spit out insults.
But you knew better than to get lazy. Losing Soulstring was a very real possibility. Some fast curses could knock it out of your hands, or Gojo's snotty elders could demand you return their legendary cursed tool, just for kicks. You were all too familiar with the feeling of helplessness as an average sorcerer with no bloodline gifts to fall back on.
So, while Soulstring came with a handy sure-hit effect, you still dragged your sorry ass out of bed early every morning to practice shooting. Alone in the empty training arena with your good ole normal bow and arrows, you drilled the motions relentlessly with moving targets - knock arrow, draw, loose, repeat… All your shots flew just as swift and true.
Most people attributed your fighting abilities to your cursed tool. Jokes on them. They had no idea. While Soulstring never missed, neither did you.
The good thing was you didn't particularly care for their validation. You had other matters to worry about. For example, hand-to-hand combat.
As a long-range fighter who specialized in ambush, of course, you naturally preferred keeping curses at a healthy distance. But in the unforgiving world of jujutsu, sometimes, life just didn't cater to your preferences. You never knew when you would have to punch your way through a mission. Letting Gojo and Hakari wipe the floor with your ass was a fair trade for all the tricks you picked up.
When Megumi moved in, you were determined to get him his fair share of quality hand-to-hand training as well. Obviously, as a prodigy with the revered Ten Shadow technique and a permanent stick up his ass, Megumi wanted no part of it… until the day you effortlessly slipped through his Divine Dogs and slammed him into the ground before he could complete the hand sign to summon Nue. All with just your bare hands and a shit-eating grin. The look of absolute bewilderment on Megumi's face was downright priceless.
He didn't need to know how many hours you had spent stalking… eh, closely observing him training from a strategic distance before you figured out the patterns of his movements. The synergy between his black and white dogs - how one would leap to attack while the other covered, leaving a split-second opening as they coordinated. The precise time it took Megumi's delicate fingers to form the hand signs, and for each shikigami to materialize. His preferences on which shikigami to summon in response to which situation… those sorts of things.
He also didn't need to know a big reason you could get to him was because he had underestimated you. And now that he knew to cover his openings, you probably wouldn't be able to punch through his defense again. Just one clean hit by an average sorcerer was enough to convince him that being a long-range fighter didn't mean he could slack off on close combat training.
"Shikigami users are typically not close-quarters fighters. Your opponents wouldn't expect it. Imagine their surprise when you start throwing hands." You advised sagely.
So, sparring became a regular thing between you and Megumi. He would show up at the training arena during your morning practice, no complaints required.
Getting your shoulder dislocated in the previous day's ambush was no excuse to skip your sparring session, not even when Megumi insisted you rested. The icy glare you leveled at him spoke volumes - this was non-negotiable. Thank God Shoko had taken pity on you and healed your shoulder despite her strict policy of not fixing any non-life-threatening injuries.
"I've definitely had worse. It'd take more than some shredded-up muscles to put me down." You said breezily, rotating your freshly healed joint and delighting in Megumi's faintly nauseated expression. "Now are we gonna stand around gossiping all morning or are you gonna help me warm up?"
Megumi just scowled, resigned to his fate as he stepped onto the mat. You ignored his grumbling about your insufferable attitude.
Megumi came at you with a sharp jab, testing your defenses. You leaned casually out of the way, letting his fist glance off your shoulder. Undeterred, he launched into a flurry of palm strikes and hooks. But no matter the angle or approach, none could connect. You flowed effortlessly between his attacks, redirecting what you didn't outright dodge.
To his credit, Megumi had improved since your first bout. The combinations he strung together were solid, technically speaking. Each movement wasted no energy, flowing smoothly into the next. His footwork kept him balanced and agile. But sparring was like a game of high-speed chess - and pure hand-to-hand combat just wasn't Megumi's forte.
A sweeping low kick to off-balance you. Easily checked. A grabbing claw to your wrist, seeking to put you in an arm lock. You spun out of his grasp like smoke. The angled elbow to your solar plexus - that one made you grin. Clever improvisation. But still miles too slow. His moves had no bite, no unpredictability. They came from his head, not his gut.
Megumi's usually composed face scrunched with frustration as his attacks continued swishing through empty air. But yours remained patient, almost serene.
"Stop pulling your punches already!" Megumi hissed, chest heaving.
"Okay." You rolled your shoulders, neck cracking, then… promptly proceeded to kick him across the training room.
Megumi crossed his arms to block, but your full-force strike sent him crashing into the opposite wall. Cracks splintered outward from the impact. There, no more pulling punches.
You brushed off your hands as Megumi peeled himself out, swaying slightly. He looked like he was seriously reconsidering your friendship.
"How… do you… do that?" Megumi groaned, rubbing his surely bruised ribs.
"The kick? Well, you just gotta…" You pointed to your leg, preparing for a slow demo, but Megumi waved you off.
"No. I mean, you always seem to know where I'll strike next. I can't be that predictable, can I?"
You chuckled and patted his shoulder. "Of course not."
Then you grabbed his hand, pulling it to hover in the space between you two. "Can you feel it?"
"Feel what exactly?" He glared at your hand around his, face slightly flushed.
"Stop glaring and focus." You gave his hand a little shake for emphasis. "Feel out the space between us."
Megumi glared at you once more on principle before closing his eyes, focusing his senses as you asked. At first, he felt nothing. But gradually, an inkling... He suddenly realized the space between you two was filled with a barely discernible mist of cursed energy. It felt subtle, yet grounding - a soothing, almost earthy calmness.
"Your cursed energy." Megumi breathed, eyes flying open in surprise.
"Yup." You nodded approvingly.
"Why… How…" Megumi reached towards your face, as if trying to get a better feel of your cursed energy.
You swatted his hand away, tsking. No one was allowed to touch your face with their sweaty post-training hands. Not even Megumi. It's called basic hygiene.
"It's like a radar, get it?" You gestured around. "During a close-quarters fight, I cover a five-meter radius from my body with my cursed energy. So, when any attack enters this specific space, I get a general idea of its trajectory. Helps me dodge or plan a counter before it lands."
Everything and everyone emitted some levels of cursed energy, some more than others, but it's never zero. Well, at least to your knowledge. There's always a certain amount of cursed energy in the air. Most sorcerers tuned out those trace amounts subconsciously to avoid overwhelming themselves. As long as you managed to keep your mist of cursed energy well under these levels, no one would notice your trick.
"It must take a lot of control and concentration." Megumi looked at you with wonder.
"At first, I could only manage a one-meter radius." You shrugged. "But practice helps. I still can't keep it up all the time, though. This is only for when things get really dicey."
"Still doesn't explain your freakish strength." Megumi crossed his arms, subtly rubbing at his poor ribs.
"I reinforce my body with cursed energy…"
You went on to explain, but Megumi impatiently cut you off:
"Everyone does that. But when we clash, you feel crazy strong… Like, impossible, based on your physique and cursed energy reserves."
"Let me talk, will ya?" You huffed, flicking his forehead.
Megumi scowled but motioned for you to continue. You lifted an arm, coating it in an even layer of cursed energy.
"Like you said, everyone reinforces themselves. But how they actually do it depends on their own control and habit of using cursed energy. Sorcerers with more cursed energy typically make a much thicker layer of reinforcement, hence, their attacks will be much stronger. On the other hand, those with less cursed energy could also intentionally create a thick reinforcement like that, but in reality, it'd be super exhausting and unsustainable. So, instead…"
You waved your arm, skilfully redistributing the layer of cursed energy on it to create an extremely dense point on your wrist. The rest of your arm was still covered but in a much thinner layer.
"It's the same amount of cursed energy, but I focus most of it on the most likely area of contact."
Megumi tentatively touched your wrist, his brows shooting upwards in disbelief at the deceptive density of cursed energy concentrated there - almost rivaling a grade 1 sorcerer.
"It's too risky." His dark eyes flickered to your face, hand gently closing around your wrist almost like a caress. "One wrong guess and you'll be done for."
There it was - the brutal truth. No matter your skill, all it took as an average sorcerer was one misstep.
"Hey, I try to guess it right." You made an attempt to laugh it off, but Megumi held onto your wrist, his eyes serious.
"Don't joke, Spices. This is your life." He shook his head, looking genuinely distressed.
You sighed, pulling your arm free. Megumi let go immediately but his gaze remained fixed on you. His brows drew together, lips thinning into a troubled line.
"I know. Why do you think I avoid close fights?" You gave a rueful half-smile. "But I ain't you, Gumi. If push comes to shove, I gotta make do with what I have."
And to that, Megumi had no counter. After a thoughtful moment, he simply said: "Fine. We'll just have to ensure you always guess correctly then."
"What does that mean?" You squinted at him warily.
"Starting tomorrow, double training. Now I know your tricks, I'll make sure you don't leave any openings."
"I don't have time for double training, literally!..."
With that, Megumi simply walked off, ignoring your indignant protests.
"Hey! Don't just decide these things by yourself!" You yelled after Megumi's retreating back.
Between training, missions, your assistance work with Shoko, and tutoring your underclassmen, you barely had any time left for yourself. This simply wouldn't do.
You raced after Megumi towards the dining hall, still shouting complaints that he blithely ignored. Bursting through the doors, you skidded to an abrupt stop.
There at the table sat Nobara and Yuji in yet another one of their petty squabbles.
"For the last time, you don't put ketchup on curry rice, you heathen!" Nobara was screeching, one hand brandishing a curry-covered spoon dangerously close to Yuji's face.
Yuji just laughed, leaning back from the incoming attack. "Says who? It tastes great! You're just a curry purist snob."
"Why you-!"
They were both startled as Megumi calmly glided past them to the self-serving area and began to heap food onto his tray, paying no mind to the chaos.
Your indignation was interrupted by Yuji's cheerful voice calling out, "Oh, senpai! You're just in time!"
Both he and Nobara perked up at you.
"Yea c'mon, settle this for us," Nobara exclaimed, grabbing your arm to tug you toward the table without letting you get your food. "Tell this heathen that putting ketchup on curry rice is basically a criminal offense!"
"It just adds more flavor!" Yuji protested. "Don't listen to Kugisaki's propaganda. A little sweet and tangy kick actually complements the spices really nicely. You should try it!"
Yuji grinned innocently at you, either oblivious or indifferent to the menacing aura Nobara was directing his way from across the table.
Your eyes started to twitch. It was going to be a long, loud breakfast, if you even got to have any breakfast at all. At Nobara's impatient tugging, you plopped down heavily beside her. She immediately resumed her assault.
"Well?! Don't leave me hanging!" She waved her spoon under your nose to get your attention.
You swatted it away. "Leave him be, Nobara."
In all seriousness, the boy ate a special grade curse. Whatever else he wanted to eat was inconsequential. It couldn't be any worse than a mummified finger.
Yuji pumped his fist. "Yes! See Kugisaki? Stop trying to enforce your militant ways on my food."
Nobara looked utterly scandalized that you didn't automatically take her side. She slapped the table loudly.
"Et Tu, Spices? Have you no standards?!"
You massaged your temples, already feeling a headache forming. After Megumi's nonsense, you were in no mood for Nobara's usual dramatics. This was gearing up to be a meal you'd need a good stiff drink to recover from.
But before Nobara could launch into another tirade, Megumi set down a tray in front of you. On it was a huge bowl of curry and rice, almost twice the size of his own bowl, a cold bottle of mint chocolate milk, and a pudding cup in your favorite flavor.
Nobara switched targets at once. "Well, well, I didn't know you could be so caring." She tutted, fanning herself dramatically.
"I wouldn't have to if you hadn't roped Spices into… whatever dumb shit this is. Let people eat first, Kugisaki." Megumi said flatly. He looked at you digging eagerly into your food with a motherhen-ish nod of approval before changing the topic:
"Senpai, didn't you run Itadori through some tests when he got here? How are the results?"
Nobara immediately settled, eyes bright with interest. This was far juicier than her curry discourse.
"What kind of test? For what?" She demanded excitedly.
You paused mid-bite, glancing briefly at the closed slits under Yuji's eyes. He had told you Sukuna was aware of all he experienced. Even though Sukuna wasn't visibly present during the tests, he knew the details anyway. You supposed as long as you kept your true goal to yourself, it'd be fine to discuss the rest.
"A blood panel, urinalysis, and full-body CT scan." You said between shoving curry rice into your mouth, making sure to not look too gross. "To see how eating Sukuna's finger affected Yuji."
"You have the equipment for all that here? Isn't this supposed to be a religious school on paper?" Nobara's eyes bugged out. She was too invested in the gossip to comment on your eating habits again.
"Did you find out anything?" Megumi directed the conversation back on the right track as soon as he recognized the gleam in your eyes. You didn't have the chance to ramble on all the cover-up logistics.
"Ah, well…" You tapped your spoon thoughtfully. "There's an increased level of red blood cell count, some unique metabolic markers, hmm… much denser skeletal muscular mass. I think there's some pretty strange brain activity, too."
"I have no idea what all that means," Yuji said, rubbing his neck sheepishly as you rattled off his test results.
"It means you're a weirdo," Nobara concluded confidently, jabbing her spoon in Yuji's direction again.
"Sounds about right." Yuji just grinned, completely unbothered.
Nobara narrowed her eyes, scrutinizing him closely. "Okay, but real talk - have you noticed anything weird happening? And don't try to play it off!"
She leaned intently across the table. "Increased strength or speed? Odd cravings? Urges to murder people?"
"Who doesn't have those urges?" You tilted your head, confused.
"Senpai." Megumi shot you an admonishing look.
"What?" You wrinkled your nose at him. "Don't give me that. You look at Gojo-sensei like you wanna murder him all the time."
"That's…" Megumi pinched the bridge of his nose. "...fair enough."
"Spices got a point, though." Nobara nodded along and corrected herself. "How about UNEXPLAINED urges to murder AND eat people?"
You took a moment to consider this carefully. "Only on occasion…"
"Understandable. But would you actually chew?" Nobara pressed on, unfazed.
As you and Nobara spiraled down more disturbing territories, Yuji held up his hands with a nervous laugh:
"For the record, I don't have ANY of those urges, unexplained or whatsoever"
Megumi closed his eyes, as though praying for strength. When he opened them again, they had regained their usual composure.
"What does Ieiri-san think about the results?" He asked.
You sighed dejectedly.
"That Yuji's results could mean anything. Either Sukuna changed his physiology, or he was just born weird."
Nobara perked up at that, she snickered at Yuji as if her earlier conclusion had been affirmed.
"I don't suppose you have any medical records from before all this?" You turned to Yuji.
"Nah. I'm sorry." He shook his head. "I've never been sick."
"So, no baseline data to reference." You waved your hand around, frustrated. "If I had been able to run the tests on him before Gojo-sensei fed him another finger, we'd have at least had two data points."
But no. Gojo just had to ruin things, as he always did.
"I guess we'll just have to feed him more fingers? Ya know, get more data and all that." Nobara plopped back onto her seat casually.
At that, Megumi's expression soured.
"Do you even know what that means?" He bit out harshly.
You suppressed another sigh. Yuji's secret execution had been suspended, not canceled. But since it's supposed to be a secret, not everyone would know…
"Pfft." Nobara blew a strand of hair from her face, her eyes sharpened as she glanced from Megumi to you. "They're gonna kill him eventually, right? Y'all really thought I'd assume they just feed him those nasty fingers for shit and giggles? There's no need to dance around it all gloomy, geez."
As much as Nobara acted all brassy and fickle, she was incredibly sharp.
"That's not too bad." Yuji's tensed smile didn't reach his eyes. "It'll take a while so I still have some time to hang out with you guys." His artificially bright tone rang hollow.
"Idiot. Do you think they'd wait for you to eat the remaining 18 fingers?" Nobara huffed at Yuji, looking like she was about to whip out her hammer.
"They wouldn't?" Yuji's smile dimmed.
"Having all 20 fingers in you would be too dangerous. You could lose control." Megumi said slowly as he pushed his rice around. "I bet they'd cap it at 15 or so."
A heaviness descended on you all, broken only by the clink of Megumi's spoon against his bowl. The suffocating silence seemed to seep down your throat, pooling in your chest like liquid lead. You glanced at Yuji, taking in the paleness of his skin, whitened knuckles wrapped around his spoon in a parody of a meal. Each second that dripped by echoed with finality, the spaces between thinning.
Nobara was the one to shatter the silence first. She crossed her arms with a huff.
"Hey, Itadori. You know that you don't actually have to do what they say, right? You could just run away."
"They would find him anyway. Not even Gojo could get this off his head." Megumi scoffed bitterly.
"Then what do you suggest, genius?" Nobara bristled at his dismissive tone.
"Hey, let's not fight over this." Yuji let out a half-hearted laugh. "Finding 13 more fingers will still take some time. We should make the best of it, have some fun!"
His bravado convinced no one. But it did spark an idea.
"Or, we could…" You began slowly, "... not find the remaining fingers."
All eyes swiveled to meet yours with varying degrees of hope and suspicion. You dropped your voice schemingly low:
"I say we hide any fingers we could get our hands on. I'm pretty good at sealing. I'll make sure they don't emit any traceable cursed energy. As long as Yuji never goes past 10 fingers, it should be fine."
Nobara's eyes lit up with glee. She clapped your shoulder, way too delighted.
"You seal them up and get them to me. I know exactly where to hide them!"
You and Nobara exchanged conspiratorial grins, a single brain cell bouncing excitedly between you. In that instant, you just knew - some people were soulmates, but you and her were born partners in crime.
Last you checked, Kugisaki Nobara was a complete stranger just days ago. She owed no allegiance to you, Megumi, or especially Yuji - the human sack carrying your world's greatest threat. Yet here she was, skipping merrily into treason without a care, ready to kick the system's ass on behalf of someone she just met. Girl literally just smelled chaos and came running. You wondered what screwed-up wiring in that tiny skull made her so ready to throw down for Yuji.
Though perhaps, buried under all the batshit crazy and homicidal tendencies, there was a soft spot in that cold steel heart. And something told you that once Nobara decided you were part of her pack, she'd gleefully raze the whole damn world to ash before letting anyone touch you.
Across the table, Megumi observed you and Nobara whispering unhinged plans of escalating madness. He looked one deep sigh away from an aneurysm.
"Please don't discuss your traitorous plans openly on school grounds." Megumi scolded you both, patience wearing thin.
"Oh, hush. Don't call us traitors like you're not already on board." Nobara dismissed him with a wave. She was really in the mood for treason.
"But wouldn't they get suspicious if we never find more fingers?" Yuji spoke up timidly, hope strained in his voice.
You tapped your spoon in thought.
"If I can get my hands on a finger, I probably can replicate the cursed energy to make some fake decoys. I'll get Gojo-sensei to drop them all over the world to keep the higher ups running around." You flashed a sly grin. "Of course, we'll find one real finger in a few years or so."
"Would Gojo go along with this?" Nobara asked.
"Oh, he'll do anything to piss off the High Council." You reassured.
And to protect his students. But you felt obligated to preserve Gojo's reputation as the world's greatest jerk, so you kept that thought to yourself. Couldn't have people finding out Gojo Satoru was actually all sweet and caring now, could we?
With a kinda sorta working plan in place, Yuji brightened, some tension leaving his shoulders. Nobara cackled, already envisioning the chaos of top sorcerers on wild goose chases. Megumi just stared blandly up at the ceiling as if praying for salvation. Or less unhinged friends. But the slight tug at the corner of his lips gave him away. He was in this with you all whether he liked it or not.
You basked in the brilliance of renewed hope. Everything was falling into place. With proper precautions, you all just might outmaneuver fate's cruelty.
But then, a voice suddenly rang out, resonant with ancient malevolence.
"That's a lousy plan, worm."
Sukuna's tiny fanged mouth has sprouted on Yuji's left cheek, snarling with disgust. As if he wasn't the gross one here.
"What the fuck?!" Nobara immediately whipped out her hammer and a bunch of nails. It was her first time seeing Sukuna manifested on Yuji like this. She screamed, throwing up the nails and swinging her hammer down with explosive force. You barely tackled her in time, the hammer whooshing slightly off-target, her nails raining onto the floor right next to Yuji.
"It's okay, Nobara. Yuji's still in control!" You tightened your hold on a violently flailing Nobara. If she cracked his head open now, all your schemes would go to waste.
Meanwhile, Sukuna just cackled, clearly reveling in the chaos. He must have been really bored. "Come now, is that any way to treat your king?"
"Again?!" Yuji cursed loudly, clamping a hand over the mouth in a futile effort to keep things from getting weirder.
But Sukuna simply popped off on the back of his hand, his smirk turned wicked. "Why are you all risking yourselves for this worthless brat, anyway? You've just met him, have you not?"
"Don't let that cringy title get to your head. We don't answer to you." Megumi snapped, smacking at Sukuna with his spoon, but ending up hitting Yuji's knuckles instead.
"Watch it, Fushiguro!" Yuji shrieked in pain.
Once again, Sukuna's tiny mouth instantly reappeared on Yuji's other cheek, this time in your direction.
"Pathetic little worm." He leered at you. "Too weak to take what you want, so you resort to scheming and plotting…"
Sukuna's mocking tirade was cut short. In your panic, you shoved a heaping spoonful of curry directly into his mouth mid-rant. You expected outraged garbles, but instead, Sukuna actually chewed and swallowed the food.
"Hmm… not too shabby." He said, the vitriol in his voice significantly decreased.
A stunned silence followed. Nobara's hammer slipped from limp fingers. Even Megumi froze, unsure how to proceed.
Had you just appeased the King of Curses with school breakfast? Hold on, did this mean he could actually consume whatever went into this tiny mouth? New possibilities spun through your mind.
"Would you like more?" You asked tentatively, your voice soft and innocent.
Sukuna's crimson eyes narrowed, then darted sideways.
"Serve me well, pup, and I shall spare your pathetic life when I conquer this world." He sneered but with a lot less hatred.
First worm, and now pup? Seriously, what's with everyone refusing to call you by your real name? You bit back the complaint and beamed at Sukuna with your most endearing smile, layering on the charm thick:
"Is that a binding vow?"
"It is what I want it to be." He bared his fangs at you, eyes glinting with malice, though it was rather subdued.
You supposed there was no point in bargaining with Sukuna now. Going from worm to pup was certainly a promotion enough. You would take what little win you could.
First, pacify Sukuna. Second, get him to be present on Yuji during your tests. Third, figure out how to seal him away for good. Fourth, world peace. Straightforward, right?
Curry rice was a small price to pay. So, you motioned Megumi to go fetch another serving. To your endless surprise, he silently complied, too baffled to protest.
And so the most absurd spectacle unfolded - you shoveling curry into Yuji's parasitic freeloader's mouth, while Nobara watched in fascinated horror and Megumi gazed dead-eyed into the void, questioning all his life choices.
"This is somehow more disturbing than the time I fought that one curse with detachable limbs," Nobara muttered.
Megumi didn't respond, trauma having transported him to another plane of existence.
You glared at the two of them with warning. You had suffered enough for your grand plan. Should they dare mess this up and waste all your sacrifices, they shall know pain. Nobara flinched at your cold dead stare. She looked down and started hastily stuffing her mouth, probably to prevent any snark from slipping out. Megumi simply sighed weakly.
"I believe I've quite lost my appetite." Not waiting for a response, Megumi snatched up his tray and glided away, radiating disgust.
The tiny Sukuna mouth just smacked his lips, crimson gaze boring into you. "Quite adequate," he declared imperiously. "See that you continue serving me well, pup."
Your eyes twitched, but you managed to maintain a pleasant smile. "Of course." You grit out, ladling another spoonful toward his gaping maw.
Beside you, Yuji whimpered in utter embarrassment. You discreetly patted him on the back. Really, it could be worse. At least, he didn't demand you serve him your firstborn. Or your brain. Yet.
Entertained and appeased for now, Sukuna's tiny mouth disappeared, the slits under Yuji's eyes closed neatly, looking no different from normal scars.
"Sooo, are we supposed to eat with him every day?" Nobara wondered aloud.
"The things I do for you, Yuji…" You muttered.
Yuji looked ready to melt into the floor from mortification. You let out a long-suffering sigh. You supposed you could add 'official caterer to the King of Curses' to your resume. This should count as work experience, right?