A whirlpool of images flash by in my mind, memories of my past life.
What what is it, who is she?
Huh…. she looks familiar to me, huh…... who are they?
Why? Why? Why are they looking like that at me? Huh…... huh... they are disappointed again. Again!! What who are they? Someone calling...… who is calling ivy...... ivy......… why are they calling ivy and looking at me? Huh… hmm I'm Ivy. I remember now, I remember everything now.
I am Ivyana, age 27, is the eldest daughter in a deeply traditional, demanding typical Indian family.
My name meaning "Innocence," "Femininity," and "Faithfulness". In our religion it is often associated with grace and elegance they named as they value those qualities this word resonated most to them. They yearned me to be that person.
Brilliant, intelligent, obedient and one everyone had taken for granted simply been a pushover all her life, just do whatever her parents had told he do so, even her career path was decided by them not knowing her own dreams or her till now. I had tried to help my sibling / cousins but was as always ignored as a ignorant fool, pursed her college degree, then business degree and suppressed herself, her own desires in favour of peace and be the family pride, had gone with flow which sometimes frustrated her to her very core. Initially her praised for her selflessness, respectful, elegant and for fulfilling parents' wishes without questioning their decision- like it was set in stone; saying that the decision was made for her happiness, for her better n bright future – while piling on more and more expectations.
Their expectations made me to strive and work even hard for it, at the same time its weight kept on crushing me further down n down…... as I still don't have any dream even now, thinking that if I followed their teaching whatever they decide I had followed their guidance, respecting them the people kept on honouring them for my prim and proper upbringing; which became unbearable for me to rebel against them as time went by, the cracks became to form as I step further into world; as began to question myself. But it was so late I had already become their marionette/ puppet that dances once they flick those strings; totally controlled by their very teaching they inculcated within; how can I now change my essence now? Such thoughts very occupying my mind every now n then.
Finally, the day came when I just snapped during family gathering. In a fiery outburst, I had called out each member of my family for years of neglect, double standards, and emotional manipulation. I outburst on them without listening to them anymore and bombarded everything that had felt till now, questioned them, criticize them, cried out, bawl off; my eyes were all teary, but still I could feel their eyes on me, feared they would again try to manipulated me further and make me feel guilty and made me question myself for having such thoughts even, I yelled. The entire family was stunned for a moment. My mother tried to reach me but I yanked her hand, seeing this father got angry, and slapped me. I went blank for a second there, and was on verge on crying, then I saw my sibling reaction which was like daggers thrown that of accusation.
Is it my fault again? I tilt my head upward towards ceiling...
I went silent for a while still seeing upward toward ceiling everything went silent. Everything went silent...
Now all the noise was all quiet. I went deaf, depressed, I devoid myself of every emotion I felt nothing…. Just nothing... all numb to the pain.
I hate you; I hate you all you guys suffocate me. I saw my brother with blank expression one last time and said I wish if... only... if you…. Were their only child and I was never born.... or if you were never born would thing have been different for me? Would they be disappointed with me then? Or that they would care for me like they were before you were born, would they? Would I have been happy then?
No, it would have been the same…...
I resent you. I resent you all.be desperate to join you all, and be an unwanted member of this family, I will sever my ties with you all. Think of me as I was never a part of this dreadful family. Think that I am as good as death.
Now I will never return to this family. This will be last time will cry for you guys and harm that you all had cause.
I will let go of everything and starts a new.
I got out of that unbearable place and ran away again like a fool… such a fool. Just I was about to cross a road I met with an accident. The scene fades with my bloodied dress, lying on road with blood splatter everywhere I see. Cars shattered around me and sparks were flying over. Car's headlights were blinking on and off. Loud horns were heard, I got splitting headache by sound It was exploding in my ear drums, my ears start ringing. I raised my hand over my eyes; sudden a light falls on me I muttered...
I regret it so much that my precious life, I didn't get to live it to fullest, I should had done everything that I want to do, even if their was none one that I dreamt of I should have had something and had search for it more desperately, even small things that I didn't get to enjoy, I really wanted to do so, i should have done everything that made me feel happy.
Oh God, if I get another chance, I want to do everything that I want to do, feel happy, irrespective of what other thought of me, I will live for myself, be more selfish ignorant fool than anyone and live a dramatic trashy tyrant life.
Huh…. Tyrant… I want to live that tyrant life, just life those Manga's I read earlier.
No, I'll definitely live that life…
And loud blast, car exploded and fire started everywhere and with sudden jerk I landed on road with fire reflection seen from my eyes. A tear dropped and I lost my consciousness.