Chapter 7: "Smoke, Vibes, and Unexpected Vows"
It all started with a wizard.
Not a dramatic, robe-fluttering, lightning-blasting one. No. This one was sitting cross-legged next to the soup fire, wearing a bathrobe with ducks on it, sandals made of bread, and eyes that hadn't blinked since I met him.
> "Hey," he said, like we were lifelong bros. "You wanna smoke a bowl?"
> "Of what?" I asked, already too tired to care.
> "Yes."
> "You know what?" I shrugged. "Sure. It's been chaos. Squirrels. Goose deities. Cannibal soup therapists. I need a break."
> "I have to see this," Arcanos whispered gleefully. "Please tell me he hallucinates a court-mandated chicken duel or something."
I took a puff. Then another.
The world tilted.
Colors became flavors. Flavors became music. Music became ducks in sunglasses playing the banjo.
---
Cue vision sequence:
Suddenly I'm sprinting through a kingdom I don't recognize. Being chased. No, wait—escorted? By knights? Why do they look confused?
A banquet. Candles. Trumpets. I'm not wearing pants. A princess with the IQ of a breadstick is looking at me like I'm made of cake.
> "Your eyes," she says, swooning. "They're so... asymmetrical."
> "Thanks, I think?"
She kneels. Proposes. A chorus of confused advisors gasp in harmony.
> "I don't even know your name," I protest.
> "That's fine. You'll look good on the royal tea towels."
Flash. Flash. Fireworks. Legal documents. A royal seal stamped on my forehead.
---
I snap awake. Mouth dry. Head spinning. Grubnuk is fanning me with a soup ladle.
> "You okay, buddy?" he asks.
> "I think I got married in a dream."
> "That explains the ring," Arcanos says.
I look down.
Oh no. There it is. A wedding ring. Engraved with: "Property of Princess Petunia - Good Luck."
The tent flap bursts open.
A royal courier stands there, panting.
> "My liege! Your bride awaits! The wedding feast is being reheated!"
> "WHAT."
> "Congratulations," Arcanos says. "You tripped your way into political marriage. I am so proud of you."
> "I think I'm going to throw up."
Grubnuk nods. "Typical honeymoon jitters."
---
End of Chapter 7 (accidentally affianced).