I had stayed away from them.
For two weeks, I managed to avoid taking phone calls, not reading SMS messages intentionally, and inventing new alibis every time they would insist on setting up a meetup. At first, they were okay with letting it pass, most likely thinking that I was busy with work assignments. But Illiana and Astra were not that type of friends who would let things pass and move on. Now, at this point, after I had attempted—and failed—to call off our Saturday night party again,
They came to my house uninvited and unexpectedly.
"Reina!" I could hear Illiana's voice echoing down the corridor, echoing off the walls as she thumped against my door with the urgency of a policewoman demanding to come in. "Open up immediately before I have no option but to break it down."
"Do you honestly think she is actually home at the moment?" astra's softer, saccharine-sweet voice was matched by her question. But I could sense the underlying irritation still evident in her voice.
"Well. She is, or I'm going to bust down this goddamn door."
sigh, I slowed and rubbed a tired hand across my face, the weight of exhaustion seeping into my very bones. After that brief pause, I hesitantly called on what little strength I had left and half-dragged myself to the door to yank it open. The moment I let go of the lock, the door burst open so quickly that it nearly smacked me straight in the face as both of them tore open the door with excitement. Illiana was dashing in with two large bags of groceries cradled in her arms, and hot on her heels, Astra came in with a tall stack of DVDs under protective cover in her arm.
Illiana and Astra charged into my apartment like a triumphant horde in the heat of victory, coming in force and in formation, armed and battle-hardened with sacks of groceries held to their chests. Their rain-soaked appearance spoke a very clear testimony, as did the unmistakable presence only women who have finally had enough of my bullshit can muster.
"Reina," said Illiana, voice suspended on my name as she put down the bags on the counter with slow, measured care. "We've been beyond patient, impossibly and incredibly so, far more so than anyone would have been."
Astra crossed her arms over her chest, scowling as she regarded the situation in stern disapproval. "In fact, you are too patient for your own good, in fact. So, since it is very apparent that you can't make good decisions without someone to guide you, we have all decided it is best we take the situation into our own hands."
I winced, rubbing my temple. "Sweethearts, I honestly am not in the mood—"
"Oh, we all know that, all right," Illiana interrupted, sweeping her hand across the room as she theatrically pulled out the bottle of wine, as if leading some kind of emotional therapy. "And that is why we are all here today."
Astra moved over to the side, looking at me accusingly. "You look like a ghost."
"Gee, thanks."
"In fact, you do have a voice that sounds quite like a ghost's."
I gasped hard and painfully, struggling so desperately to muster the will and the strength to fight. But the thing is, I was just so completely and absolutely drained of life and vitality.
"Hi, I was about to send you guys a message—" I began to say, but Illiana interrupted me.
"Complete rubbish is what that is!!," she huffed in annoyance, thumping the grocery bags onto my kitchen counter as if to make the point. "We've maintained our friendship for an incredibly long time, Reina. You are by no means going to wriggle your way out of this situation by spouting lies."
Astra had come back, closing the door softly so that we were kept out of whatever was happening there and then gave me an icy glare. "You've been avoiding us for a very long time now, and we know that something is certainly not quite right."
I shut my lips tightly and kept a conscious effort to turn a blind eye to this situation that was unfolding itself in front of me. I was quite sure at the moment that I did not want to be a part of this particular conversation or interaction that was unfolding itself. I must confess that I was not in the mood for anything these days which seemed to be dragging and long.
Illiana breathed deeply, half a second's pause on the brink of the sigh of resignation, as she walked purposefully to me. With the tone now mollified, almost gentle in tone, there was a hint of strength and resolve that could not be wished away or evaded evident in her words. "Reina," she began, firm gaze and sincere tone, "you should know the truth that you don't need to be or have to be anything when you are with us."
I breathed deeply, trying to push out the choking, smothering pressure that was building up inside me from within my chest. For what felt like an eternity, I had been keeping all of these thoughts and feelings inside me—thoughts about Sophia, the gang, the evidence that had come to light, and, of course, the mysterious figure of Lorenzo—and it certainly felt like it was draining the life out of me. But the disturbing fact which was happening was that I had no idea how I was ever going to be able to make myself say any of it.
I did not want to engage in a fight over that topic.
But it made me think of my own past, and I couldn't help but wonder when, and perhaps never, my friends had ever really offered me a choice in anything significant?
Astra prodded me towards the sofa. "Sit."
I allowed them to gently lay me down on the cushy soft pillows, as the heaviness of my weariness finally got the better of me. Illiana sat on my left, and Astra sat on my right, and both of them regarded me with a serious expression, their faces showing that I was in for some sort of harsh and biting inquiry.
"Alright," replied Illiana. "Spill."
I never utter a word.
"Reina," tried Astra once more, softly. "It is very evident that you are ill. We can easily see that you are ill."
I gagged spasmodically, clenching my fists into hard fists. The words ripped up my throat like sandpaper. "It's just. work."
Astra gave me a look.
Illiana crossed her arms, too. "Try again."
I sighed, resting my head against the couch. "It's complicated."
Illiana leaned forward. "Uncomplicate it, then." I was floundering, apparently frozen in a moment of utter indecision. But I could see that their faces were etched with an incalculable amount of concern for my welfare, and the burden that was weighing so heavily on my chest felt utterly stifling, rendering breathing impossible. I began to talk without stopping before I could even fully take it all in around me. The words spewed forth from me in a frantic and panicked rush—informing them how Sophia had vanished, informing them the appalling details of how I'd discovered the necklace, and how the gang had been operating right before our very eyes the whole time and we'd not even realized it until this moment.
I didn't give them everything. I didn't share Lorenzo's past, or the syndicate's deepest secrets, but I shared enough. Enough for them to get the picture, to know why I'd been closing them out.
By the time I finished, the room was thick with silence. Illiana was furious. Astra was stunned.
"Oh my God," she wept, laying a comforting hand upon my arm as if in need of solace. "Reina… why did you never tell us anything before?
I shrugged. "What could you have done?"
Illiana's face grew serious, the definite sign that one is upset. "We may have been there for you when you needed us the most."
I despised the guilt that lay in the pit of my stomach. I knew they were right. But I'd gotten so caught up in it all—so lost in attempting to correct it—that I hadn't even considered letting them in.
astra's grip on my hand became tighter. "You've done all of this all by yourself?
I didn't say anything, but silence was louder.
Astra shook her head an inch, gasping in the process. "No wonder you've been stumbling around like a zombie yourself lately."
I could summon a faint, exhausted smile that struggled to utter anything other than how I was feeling. "I did say, didn't I, that I wasn't in the mood for this."
Illiana rolled her eyes dramatically in annoyance. "Well, bad luck to you, babe. Guess you don't get the luxury of sulking by yourself tonight, so just buck up.".
Nope. Illiana rubbed her hands vigorously with enthusiasm. "Tonight, we're going to completely fix this mess of a mood that has ruled the day. Beginning with—" she swept her arm out broadly and dramatically across the kitchen, "—a yummy home-cooked meal that I'm going to feed you all.".
I strongly objected, expressing my frustration. "You people, you know it's a fact that each time we're cooking with Illiana, the fire alarm goes off at least once during our cooking escapades."
Illiana gasped dramatically. "How dare you? I've made marvellous progress.".
Astra snorted with disgust. "Seriously, though, she really hasn't."
"Excuse me—"
I just couldn't help myself. I laughed genuinely.
Astra smiled broadly, getting up to trail behind her friend. "It's movie night, and I'm insisting on this. No arguments permitted."
I breathed in and massaged my temples. "Guys—"
No. Illiana shoved me with a spoon made of wood. "You owe us this. And you're going to eat, and you're going to laugh, and for one damn night, you're going to remember nothing else.".
I looked over at her and then at astra, who also agreed.
I let out a sigh. "Fine.".
Within an hour, the kitchen was in disarray.
Illiana had insisted on getting flour on the ceiling. Astra had destroyed three batches of cookies. I had almost incinerated a dish towel.
And in the midst of the chaos, there was laughter filling the room.
everything's gone wrong, "why does the oven hate you?" Astra snapped, frowning at the charred tray, which was on the table and emitted a strong smell.
Illiana snorted. "Perhaps because you're always forgetting to bring the food?
Astra exhaled, dispersing the smoke in the air. "That's why I have takeout delivered."
I boomed out laughing, cocking my head to one side in amazement, as I slowly moved around stirring the frothy pasta on the stove. "Seriously, I feel exactly the same.".
Illiana gasped. "How could you two be so disrespectful of the culinary art?
Astra couldn't help but let the smallest snicker slip out of her mouth as she watched. "That's a good one to be saying considering that you, especially after you just broke a whole box of eggs on the floor.".
As we all gathered, our eyes were naturally drawn to the vile and slimy mess that was laid out just before Illiana's feet.
Illiana scornfully laughed in incredulity. "That was done intentionally."
Astra and I both laughed uncontrollably.
For the first time in weeks, I felt that I was light and free. The oppression which had become so very overwhelming in my chest was slowly beginning to recede to a very great extent, and the cloud which had fallen on my mind was slowly lifting, if only slightly, to give a moment of clarity.
Even if only for this one night, that was enough for me.
By the time we eventually sat down at the table to enjoy our delicious food and watch our movie, I was completely exhausted. But it was the tired kind—that which comes from living life in the fast lane, not from fighting tired battles in my own mind. Illiana elbowed me during the middle of the movie. "Feeling better?" I smiled. "Yeah.". Astra laid her head against my shoulder softly in a reassuring look of support. "That's wonderful to hear. Because we simply won't let you get away from us again." Illiana shook her head emphatically. "If you do, we'll find you." I shook my head, laughing. "Understood." And for the first time in a long, long time, I actually did believe them. I was no longer alone. Whatever would have otherwise happened in the next few minutes, they were with me. And that was more than enough. For now.