Tiffany Haddish Presents: Kids Have Amnesty…SAY…What!?
The Invisible Kid Chronicles—Annoying Things Adults Say About Us (While We're Literally Right Here)
Inspired by the fearless humor of Tiffany Haddish. For more, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.
Amnesty Day—No Time-Outs, No Filters, No Mercy
Give kids a mic and the promise they won't get grounded, and suddenly every awkward family gathering, checkout line, and playground bench becomes a comedy roast. Today's topic: the things adults say about kids while we're standing right there, giving them the side-eye and mentally writing our future memoirs.
The "Wow, You've Got Your Hands Full!" Classic
Adult: "Wow, you've got your hands full!"
Kid (thinking): "Yeah, and you've got your mouth full of opinions. Want to trade?"
Kid (out loud, if they dared): "You should see me when I'm at grandma's house. This is me on my best behavior. Buckle up."
The "Are They Always Like This?" Eye Roll
Adult: "Are they always this energetic?"
Kid: "No, sometimes I'm even more annoying. You should see me after I eat cake."
Or: "No, sometimes I'm asleep. But don't worry, I'll wake up if you keep talking about me."
The "Don't Worry, They'll Grow Out of It" Prophecy
Adult: "Don't worry, they'll grow out of it."
Kid: "You mean like you grew out of talking about people like they're not here? Oh, wait…"
The "Enjoy It While It Lasts!" Nostalgia Bomb
Adult: "Enjoy it while it lasts!"
Kid: "Enjoy what? The unsolicited advice or the way you narrate my every move like I'm a zoo animal?"
Or: "Don't worry, I plan to. Especially the part where I get to embarrass you in public when I'm older."
The "Isn't She Shy?" Whisper
Adult: "Isn't she shy?"
Kid: "No, I just have a highly selective social filter. Congratulations, you didn't make the cut."
The "He's So Big for His Age!" Comment
Adult: "He's so big for his age!"
Kid: "Thanks, I've been working on my vertical growth. Next up: world domination."
Or: "Yeah, and you're so loud for yours. Want to compare decibel levels?"
The "She Must Be Tired/Hungry/Overstimulated" Diagnosis
Adult: "She must be tired."
Kid: "Nope, just bored. But keep diagnosing, Doc. Maybe next you'll find my will to listen."
The "I Don't Know How You Do It" Sigh
Adult: "I don't know how you do it."
Kid: "Neither do I, but apparently, I'm nailing it. Maybe you should take notes."
The "Are You Going to Give Mommy a Break?" Guilt Trip
Adult: "Are you going to give Mommy a break?"
Kid: "Sure, as soon as someone gives me the WiFi password and a snack. Equal rights, right?"
The "You'll Understand When You're Older" Escape Hatch
Adult: "You'll understand when you're older."
Kid: "Maybe you'll understand me if you actually listen now. But hey, keep dreaming."
The "You're So Lucky to Have Such a Good Kid" Backhanded Compliment
Adult: "You're so lucky to have such a good kid."
Kid: "Luck had nothing to do with it. I'm just that awesome. You should see my resume."
The "She's Got Quite the Imagination!"
Adult: "She's got quite the imagination!"
Kid: "Yeah, I'm currently imagining you not saying that in front of me. It's a beautiful dream."
The "Are You a Good Helper?" Patronize-a-thon
Adult: "Are you a good helper for Mommy?"
Kid: "No, I'm actually the CEO of this operation. Mommy works for me. She just doesn't know it yet."
The "Look How Much She's Grown!" Growth Chart Gossip
Adult: "Look how much she's grown!"
Kid: "Yup, and my hearing's grown too. That's why I can hear you from across the room."
The "He's a Handful, Isn't He?"
Adult: "He's a handful, isn't he?"
Kid: "I prefer the term 'limited edition.' You should try keeping up."
The "She's So Sassy!"
Adult: "She's so sassy!"
Kid: "You should see me when I'm not being polite. This is the PG version."
The "Are You Being Good for Mommy?"
Adult: "Are you being good for Mommy?"
Kid: "Define 'good.' Because if it means not rolling my eyes at this question, then… oops."
The "He's Got a Lot of Energy!"
Adult: "He's got a lot of energy!"
Kid: "Yeah, and I'm charging by the hour. You want some, or are you sticking with coffee?"
The "Bless Your Heart" Southern Special
Adult: "Bless your heart, you've got your hands full!"
Kid: "Bless yours too, for thinking I can't hear you. Spoiler: I can."
The Ultimate Verdict
"Listen, grown-ups, we're not invisible. We hear you, we remember, and we WILL use this material in our future therapy sessions—or at least our stand-up routines. So next time you want to talk about us, maybe try talking TO us. Or at least wait until we're out of earshot. (Spoiler: We never are. We have the hearing of a bat when you're talking about us, and the hearing of a goldfish when you're telling us to clean our rooms.)"
Special thanks to Tiffany Haddish for inspiring kids to keep it real, call out the obvious, and never let a grown-up get away with a backhanded compliment. For more, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.