Kids Tell the Ugly Truth
Chapter Three: "I Got 99 Problems, But Fake Money Ain't One"
Preface
Some kids break the rules. Some kids bend them. And then there's that one kid who basically starts his own Federal Reserve—with a box of crayons, a copier, and a vision. Is he Robin Hood, giving out wealth to the masses, or the next contestant on "America's Most Wanted: Elementary Edition"? Tonight, we're talking about the legendary "school money" caper, and how a single kid can turn the whole school store into Black Friday at Walmart.
Show Introduction
[Hip-hop beat drops. The set features giant play money, a cardboard "bank," and the spinning wheel: "Government, Humanity, Cartel, Karen/Kevin, John, Michael, Wildcard."]
Tiffany Haddish (waving a stack of fake bills):
"Welcome back to 'Kids Tell the Ugly Truth,' where the only thing more valuable than honesty is a good hustle. I'm Tiffany Haddish, and tonight's story is about a kid who didn't just break the bank—he printed a whole new one! That's right, we've got our own Waterford Wolf of Wall Street. He snuck into the teacher's lounge, copied the school store money, colored it in, and handed it out like Oprah: 'You get a dollar! You get a dollar! Everybody gets a dollar!' The school store got cleaned out faster than a piñata at a birthday party. The teacher called his mom and said, 'I want to punish him, but honestly, I'm kind of impressed—and a little worried he got past the copier without us knowing!'"
[Kids laugh. One shouts, "Can I get his autograph?" Another whispers, "He's a legend."]
Scenario 3: I Got 99 Problems, But Fake Money Ain't One
Tiffany:
"Alright, kids, here's the ugly truth: If you found out someone was making fake school money and handing it out, what would you do? Would you go government and call for new rules, humanity and share the wealth, cartel and print your own, or Karen/Kevin and snitch to the principal? Or would you go full John and bust the operation, or beat it like Michael and spend that cash before anyone notices? Let's spin the wheel!"
[Spins wheel, lands on "Government"]
Government (CAE) Responses
Kid 1:
"I'd make a new rule: Only teachers can print money. But honestly, they'd just lose the printer password again."
Kid 2:
"I'd call a school meeting and say, 'No more fake money!' But then everyone would just start trading Pokémon cards instead."
[Spins wheel, lands on "Humanity"]
Humanity (CAH) Responses
Kid 3:
"I'd share the money with my friends so we could all buy snacks. Sharing is caring—even if it's counterfeit."
Kid 4:
"I'd use the money to buy something for the kid who made it. He deserves a trophy for creativity! Or at least a job at the Mint."
[Spins wheel, lands on "Cartel"]
Cartel (CAR) Responses
Kid 5:
"I'd start my own printing business and sell the money at recess. Supply and demand, baby!"
Kid 6:
"I'd team up with the mastermind and make it rain at the school dance. If you're gonna go down, go down in style."
[Spins wheel, lands on "Karen/Kevin"]
Karen/Kevin Responses
Kid 7:
"I'd march to the principal's office and say, 'Excuse me, there's funny money in circulation and I demand justice!'"
Kid 8:
"I'd write an anonymous letter to the teacher: 'Dear Store Manager, your money's got more colors than my art project.'"
[Spins wheel, lands on "John/Michael"]
John/Michael (Fight or Flight) Responses
Tiffany:
"Alright, are you going to grow a pair like John and bust the counterfeiter, or beat it like Michael and spend that cash before it's gone?"
Kid 9:
"I'd go undercover, find the source, and then ask for a cut. Detective John meets the Candy Mafia!"
Kid 10:
"I'd spend the money as fast as I could, then moonwalk away before anyone figures it out. If you're gonna go, go out with a dance!"
Wildcard Round
Tiffany:
"Wildcard! What's the craziest thing you'd buy if you had unlimited school store money?"
Kid 11:
"I'd buy every pencil and build a pencil fort. No one could get in unless they paid the toll—in fake money, of course."
Kid 12:
"I'd buy all the erasers and erase my homework forever."
Kid 13:
"I'd buy the teacher a new copier, just in case someone tries this again!"
Tiffany's Take
Tiffany:
"Y'all, I've seen some wild stuff, but this is next-level. If you ever need someone to run your snack cartel, call me! And to the Waterford Wolf of Wall Street—next time, make sure you don't leave a paper trail…or at least color inside the lines! Now, the real question—was he a Robin Hood, giving out cash to the people, or was he just one step away from being the first kid on the playground with his own orange jumpsuit? Either way, I'm impressed. And a little scared."
Cards Against Humanity Tie-In
Tiffany:
"You know, this is the kind of question you'd find in Cards Against Humanity: 'What's the best way to get out of trouble at school?' A) Blame the dog. B) Print your own money. C) Moonwalk out of the principal's office. I think our boy just invented option D: All of the above!"
What Would You Do? Tie-In
Tiffany:
"So, what would you do? Would you snitch, join in, or just sit back and watch the chaos? That's the ugly truth, folks!"
End-of-Episode Credit
Tiffany (on screen):
"Thanks for cashing in on the laughs with us tonight on 'Kids Tell the Ugly Truth.' I'm Tiffany Haddish. For more stories, wisdom, and maybe a few counterfeit giggles, visit tiffanyhaddish.com. See you next time—don't spend it all in one place!"