My mood was simply wonderful. Despite the fact that a moved and slightly sad Charlie had been sobbing on my shoulder just ten minutes ago (figuratively speaking, of course) while listening to my slightly embellished and adapted-for-her-delicate-psyche story about that very battle with the demons, which, in my humble opinion, is what gave Abel his inferiority complex. No, he had some self-esteem and self-image issues before, as far as I remember, but I think it was that loss—the death of almost all his comrades-in-arms and friends in that slaughter—that was the last straw, the reason why he still doesn't consider himself "worthy" of a father like me.
Unlike him, I never lost my entire squad. What's more—Adam's old squad almost always had the lowest casualties among all the Exorcist units, with the highest fucking efficiency! But this wasn't achieved through some super-cool tactics, cunning plans, or genius command, no. It was much simpler: Adam's personal power. He was already the ultimate weapon of mass destruction, capable of taking out an entire legion of demons without breaking a sweat (a legion consists of 6,666 demons), and now... now, theoretically, if I really push myself, I could destroy the entire Earth, along with the Moon and Mars for good measure. If I try, of course.
Speaking of weapons of mass destruction. It would be interesting to find out the exact design and principle of operation of the local nuclear bomb sometime. No, of course, from my past life I remember some general nuances about it—chain reaction, critical mass, all that (I could insert a minimal description of how a nuclear bomb works here, but I'm lazy, and I don't think you're particularly interested), but that knowledge is definitely not enough to create one myself, here and now. So I'll definitely make a note in my little book: "Item #137: Study the design of the local nuke. Test it on some planet in 'my world.' Preferably—repeatedly."
So, after my epic tale of "heroism and self-sacrifice," Charlie and the other inhabitants of the Hotel and I had a rather pleasant chat on various topics for a few more hours. Until that damn moth-pimp started calling Angel Dust again, forcing him to come for an "emergency shoot for an hour or two." So, without much thought, I took advantage of the situation and quietly slipped out with him, "kindly" escorting the spider to the very edge of Alastor's territory (so that, Light forbid, he wouldn't get into some other trouble along the way, I know him). And after that, I went straight to Lucifer. It had been a while since we had a "tête-à-tête," and I had a very interesting idea on how to "reconcile" those two—Charlie and her depressive dad. Or at least get them to talk to each other properly.
In the cartoon, their "reconciliation" happened, as I recall, thanks to another tearful song and the fact that Charlie really wanted to contact Heaven to propose her "brilliant" plan for the redemption of sinners. Here, the princess of Hell had no particular problems with Heaven and its representatives (that is, me). On the contrary—I myself offered her my help and support, so she didn't really have a compelling reason to invite her father to the Hotel. It wasn't that she didn't love or fear him, no. It just seemed to me that she always felt that Lucifer didn't really love her, that he considered her a failure, and her project—complete bullshit (which is hard to disagree with, since 99% of sinners are idiots unworthy of such kindness). And they never had a reason for a joint song about family values, so I had to urgently correct this unfortunate misunderstanding and somehow reconcile these two royals.
At the same time, I'll get Luci in my debt. And maybe I'll shake him up a bit, pull him out of his eternal depression and apathy. It's not right for a Seraph, even a fallen one, even the King of Hell, to sit in his castle all day making rubber ducks! He's supposed to be responsible for all of Hell, to maintain order, and he's long since given a big, fat "fuck you" to all his direct duties. Well, well. For every tricky bolt, there's always an even trickier nut with a left-hand thread. That reminds me of something… Ah, yes! "Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers"! Gadget! Ah, the golden days of childhood…
By the way, I don't think I've ever told you what exactly Lucifer was up to in those distant times when he hadn't completely lost faith in sinners and was still trying to help them somehow? Oh, it was hilarious! A couple of thousand years ago, when I was the "previous" Adam, I would sometimes go down to Hell (incognito, of course, in the guise of some inconspicuous sinner), just to laugh at that clown and his "brilliant" ideas!
Ahem… Let's start a little from afar… There's a famous place in the Greed Ring called Loo Loo Land, remember? That's the amusement park where I recently met Octavia. But did you know that this Loo Loo Land is just a cheap, pathetic clone of the much more popular Loo Loo World? And it was this Loo Loo World, a giant circus tent (in both the literal and figurative sense), that was once run by him! Lucifer Morningstar himself! And he didn't just run it; he performed in the ring personally! With songs, dances, jokes, and all the other attributes of a cheerful clown! What a riot, right?
And if you thought that was all, you know very little about the local King of Hell! All the other Seven Deadly Sins performed with him in Loo Loo World! Yes, you heard me right! Satan was the circus strongman, bending horseshoes and tearing chains. Beelzebub, that Queen Bee, was a tamer of all sorts of wild infernal (and not only) creatures. Mammon, the current owner of Loo Loo Land, was the head clown and master of ceremonies. Asmodeus performed all sorts of tricks with fire and seduced female spectators (for which he got smacked right during the show). Belphegor was an acrobat and gymnast, flying under the circus dome. And Leviathan… well, Leviathan represented the "freak show" there, demonstrating her numerous tentacles and hideous mutations. Yes, after Samael's rebellion and the subsequent War with Heaven, all the Deadly Sins seem to have really bonded and consider each other almost a real family. And these "mighty rulers of Hell" actually performed in a fucking circus! And they seemed to really enjoy it! Luci himself has noticeably declined in the last millennium, grown old (mentally, of course), and performed in the ring less and less. He stopped altogether just a hundred years ago. So all the "old-timers" of Hell remember and know all this perfectly well.
Why am I telling you all this crap now? It's simple! This is my brilliant idea for reconciling Charlie with her father! To motivate this depressive duck-lover to perform in the Loo Loo World ring one more time! To remember his youth, so to speak! Invite Charlie to the performance (maybe even under some plausible pretext, like "dad wants to show you what he used to do"), and there, during the performance, Luci could sing some touching, sentimental crap about his love for his daughter, his worries, how proud he is of her… Well, something like that. Isn't that a plan? Yes, yes, I know, I'm a genius! You don't have to clap so loudly, I know it all myself! ;)
Now, a little about Lucifer's personality… Well, to be honest, I never really liked him. I always kind of disliked him. Even before that horned bastard stole my first wife from me, and especially after he, the son of a bitch, along with Lilith, also managed to feed my second wife that damned apple… In short, my hatred for him was quite justified and well-deserved. But now… knowing all this information about his "inner turmoil," his depression, his guilt… and looking at this whole situation as if from the outside, through the eyes of another person… I think I'm starting to understand that he just… fucked up. Yes, he fucked up big time. Yes, with huge consequences for this entire world. But he didn't, in fact, want all this shit. He didn't want evil. He just… made a mistake.
I myself fucked up big time in my past life too. I believed that despite the huge losses among the civilian population, I just HAD to cleanse that world of the tyranny of those self-proclaimed "gods." I thought that for such a "great" goal, I could and should step over my own principles, which were already cracking at the seams after that psychological trauma, but… Again, looking at it all from the outside, I finally realized that it was my biggest mistake. Yes, those "gods" were stupid, arrogant, cruel youngsters who casually destroyed several tens of millions of people for their ambitions. But that is absolutely no reason to destroy another eight billion in an attempt to stop them! So I now fully admit my guilt for that genocide. And I agree that back then, as a God-slayer, I behaved like a complete, utter idiot and a scumbag. But I don't hate myself for that mistake, do I? No, I don't. So how is Luci any worse than me? Yes, that asshole never once apologized to me for Lilith or for Eve (although, to be honest, Adam wouldn't have accepted his apology anyway). But he, apparently, also thought at the time that he was doing something good, something right. A naive fool. So to hate him now would be… well, at least, unwise.
And, if we put all these sentiments aside, he could be very useful to me right now. After all, he is the strongest of the Seraphim, he is reliably protected from the direct influence of the Darkness, he has vast combat experience, extensive knowledge of magic and this world, and incredible influence in Hell. He also has a cute daughter… Well, I mean, he has her, this daughter, you get it. Not that I have any designs on her, no! Just… a fact.
By the way, a funny thing. When I talk to myself like this, mentally, as if I'm communicating with someone invisible, I get a real, almost physical sensation that about three to three and a half thousand people are watching me right now. And this, I must admit (for some unknown reason, though), is very pleasant for my ego. And at first, when I just start my inner monologue, I get the feeling that about a hundred and sixty people are watching me. And only after a while do those three thousand plus join them. I wonder what this could be related to? It's probably just another quirk of my already pretty battered psyche… Maybe I should see a psychologist? Although, after Asmodeus so thoroughly brainwashed the entire population of Earth, going to some human psychologist doesn't feel right. And in Heaven… well, I don't want to lose my authority in front of my subordinates by talking about my "bugs." In short, I'll think about this question sometime in my spare time. Maybe I'll actually go see someone. If I find a worthy specialist, of course.
"Hey, you freak! Watch where you're fucking going, you blind asshole!" My profound philosophical reflections on psychology and metaphysics were rudely interrupted by some disgusting, shrill scream. I looked around. Next to me, on the sidewalk, stood some sinner about a meter and a half tall, with blue skin, webbed ears, and a fish tail. Her voice was strange, squeaky. Ah, so it's probably just a woman. See, she's got saggy tits, albeit small ones. And her face—a typical shark face, with rows of sharp teeth. You can't really tell her gender from her face, to be honest. Now I see why her voice is like that.
"Fuck off, you dried-up herring," I threw out lazily, giving her the middle finger. After which, just to warm up a bit and let off some steam, I hit her on her stupid shark head with the nearest trash can, using telekinesis. Yes, I also needed regular practice in telekinesis, and I think it won't be too hard for her to offer up her head for such a noble and socially useful cause, right? In the worst-case scenario, she'll just respawn somewhere else. I didn't hit her with Light, just a regular, material object.
At that moment, I notice a car hurtling at full speed towards this very shark-girl, who was just starting to get up from the sidewalk, rubbing her bruised head. The hood was generously covered with fresh (and not so fresh) blood stains. BAM! The car hits the shark, literally smearing her across the asphalt, then screeches to a halt, crashing into the wall of the nearest building. Hell, you know. Typical traffic situation.
"Fuck!" A small, plump woman climbed out of the driver's seat, brushing off dust and glass shards… Um… Her face seemed vaguely familiar. What was her name? Mimzy? I think so. Alastor's friend, a dancer, a singer, a con artist, you get the picture. "Oh, what a handsome man! How about giving a sweet, defenseless girl a ride home, huh, sweetie? My carriage, as you can see, is a little… uh… out of commission."
She was talking… to me! And she started batting her eyes at me in a way that made me choke on air. Fuck. And how, in her opinion, am I supposed to "give her a ride"?! On foot? Ah, she noticed the wings on my back, now I get it…
"And where exactly should I give you a ride to?" To the Hazbin Hotel, right?
"To the Hazbin Hotel! I really need to get there!" she chattered.
Well, definitely Mimzy. Fifth episode of the first season, if I'm not mistaken. That's when Charlie was trying to mend her relationship with her father and invited Luci to the Hotel. He, of course, showed up, started acting like a dick as usual, and immediately clashed with Alastor. The result of their verbal spat was an epic "song battle," at the very climax of which this very small but very loud woman burst into the Hotel. Like, "just dropping by," but in reality, she was just hiding from some shark mobsters to whom she owed a lot of money… Fucking hell. Am I that "lucky" today to be meeting canon characters, or is the canon itself so desperately trying to burst back into my life and thinks I'm dying to help some… dancer-con artist? I think that's how she was described in the cartoon?
"Why not?" I replied after a short thought. Because… well, why the hell not? Yes, this small, brazen little puffball is far from the most pleasant and positive character, but I wouldn't mind seeing the gloomy face of Alastor (the one he made in that episode when he was forced to kick her out of the Hotel after the attack by those shark mobsters). So I'll just quickly fly with her to the Hotel; I've been wandering these infernal streets aimlessly for almost an hour anyway, contemplating all sorts of highly spiritual topics and observing the local sinners.
"Oh, you're just my savior! So gallant!" this… in short, Mimzy, squealed happily. After which, without a shadow of embarrassment, she came up to me and, in the most brazen way, jumped into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck… Fuck! Seriously?! Audacity is the second happiness! Especially in Hell! "Carry me, my Dullahan!"
"..." I'm in shock.
I did get a little revenge on the little puffball for her impertinence. Very simply and effectively: I "accidentally" dropped her a couple of times from a low height (about fifty meters), catching her at the very last moment when she was already starting to scream in terror and say goodbye to her life. So by the end of our short flight, Mimzy had already solemnly promised that she would never, EVER in her life call me a "horse," a "Dullahan," or any other mythical creature again. I'm sure she'll complain to the deer about "cruel treatment of ladies" later. But I couldn't care less. On the other hand, I personally had a good laugh at the screaming, terrified, narcissistic puffball who, during our "air games," was almost ready to sell me her soul out of fear. Bwahaha!
Well, what did you expect? I may be a kind Archangel of Light, and a true champion "for all that is good, against all that is bad." But I'm not going to tolerate such jokes and outright audacity. Especially from some little twerps who are young enough to be my great-great-great… well, you get it, my great-great-granddaughters!
While we were flying, I did manage to ask her a little about why the hell she ran into that poor shark-girl. It turned out that the shark was her old "acquaintance" and rival on stage. And, apparently, she had bullied "poor Mimzy" very badly in the past, stole something from her or stole her boyfriend… For which, in fact, she received such a "small" retaliatory prank in the form of several tons of iron flying at high speed. Well, whatever. The fact that she herself owed a whole pack of shark mobsters a lot of money and was now hiding from them, this cunning puffball, of course, did not inform me. Tricky little thing!
As I was flying towards the Hazbin Hotel, I noticed something strange. Right at that very moment, Lucifer… was entering the front door of the Hotel! What the hell is he doing here?! An hour ago, when I was leaving here after talking with Charlie and the company, he was nowhere to be seen! And now—hocus pocus! The King of Hell himself has deigned to pay a visit! Did my recent words and "friendly advice" really make Charlie gather her will and invite her depressive dad for a heart-to-heart?! What can I say? I'm proud of you, kiddo! She overcame herself, called her dad, whom she's either shy of, or afraid of, or just doesn't know how to talk to! Well done!
Well, since the canon itself is so strongly and persistently trying to burst back into my life, then who am I to stop it? I descend, carefully placing the still slightly pale and trembling Mimzy on the ground a few streets away from the hotel. She, in turn, seemed ready to almost kiss my feet in gratitude for saving her (or for me not dropping her anymore?).
"Alright, you're on your own from here," I wink at her and, without waiting for an answer, disappear in a flash of Light, instantly reappearing inside the Hotel thanks to a "Light anchor" I had prudently left here on my last visit. It's not very convenient to constantly have to go first to Heaven and then back to Hell just to move from one point in Pentagram City to another.
It will take this little lady about five minutes to come to her senses and get to the hotel, and in the meantime, I'll say hello to Lucifer. And, if I'm lucky, I'll get to watch his song battle with Alastor. I remember it so well from the cartoon! And with their epic costume changes and special effects! A whole show! I definitely can't miss that!