The everlasting inner darkness returned, once again, and filled every atom in the horizon that surrounded Shinji. Whether he was floating in it or falling was impossible to tell as there was no ground or sky, with only a light, the same light far away from him, pulsing like a diseased heart.
It advanced silently towards him as he, unable to move, had only his eyes to scream. Something emerged from the light in the shape of an arm, and it advanced slowly, erasing the darkness before it, until it brushed his cheek.
Shinji shuddered, and his breath trembled when a feminine voice came out of the light: "You don't have the right to forget the monster you were, Argus." The name rang in his head like a hammer striking glass when suddenly, the light engulfed him.
He opened his eyes, but it wasn't his room at the refuge; it was… under the bridge. The man on the ground and the blood leaving his body. The scene he tried to forget kept replaying again, again and again.
He tried closing his eyes, but nothing changed, as if the light itself forced him to watch, to never forget. His fingers clenched, and his teeth chattered when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Shinji screamed as he sat up abruptly, his breath short and his throat tight.
His gaze swept the room, he slowly turned his head to the right when he saw a man standing there. He was about thirty, maybe a bit older; he had black hair, an unkempt beard, a worn coat, and the features of a man who'd seen too much for his age.
Behind him, half-hidden, a little girl stood. The man scratched the back of his head, visibly embarrassed. "If I'd known you waking up would be so… explosive, I probably wouldn't have brought her along."
Shinji, still panting, felt his face flush. "I… sorry. I didn't mean… I didn't see her… I didn't mean to scare her."
The man shrugged, not really upset. "Well, you must've had a nightmare. It happens."
"I… I remember you. You were the first to support me yesterday. I don't know how to thank you. Without you, I don't know what would've happened to me," exclaimed Shinji.
The man smiled for a few seconds before his tone turned serious. "Everyone deserves a second chance. You were lost; you don't have to blame yourself. You thought you were doing the right thing."
Hearing this, Shinji felt a wave of relief, knowing that despite his actions, the people of the refuge could understand him. "How could I have let Daichi do that when you were trying to play the hero?"
"Me, a hero… no, you've got me wrong. I bring nothing good to the people around me."
The man seemed surprised by Shinji's response, likely expecting at least a forced smile. He placed a reassuring hand on the girl's head. "Her name's Elena."
The girl barely lifted her head; her eyes were wide, still trembling slightly. "Well, that was also her mother's name. She… sadly died when she gave birth to her," added the man.
She took two hesitant steps forward, her voice almost inaudible: "P… plea…sed to meet you…"
The man gently patted Elena's head. "Go on, go back to Haruka. Tell her I'm staying a bit."
The girl nodded timidly and, without another word, left Shinji and the man alone. He watched Elena walk down the corridor before turning back to Shinji. "I don't know what I'd do without her. She's all I have left in this world."
He approached with a calm step, no tension. "I'm Gerald," he said finally, extending a hand to Shinji. Shinji hesitated, then ended up extending his own. "Okami probably mentioned me… I'm coming with you on the rescue mission." Shinji's heart clenched suddenly. Okami's words from the night before came back:
"Daichi told me you killed a man."
He instinctively brought a hand to his chest; Gerald saw it and understood immediately. He rubbed the back of his neck, murmuring with a hint of amusement: "She didn't go easy on you, did she…" Then, without warning, he gave Shinji a light punch on the shoulder.
Shinji looked up, surprised when he saw him smiling. "Listen, you're the newest one here. There's a lot you don't know yet." He sat casually on a rickety chair by the bed, elbows resting on his knees. "To be honest with you… A lot of us have had to act to survive. It's not clean or pretty, but that's how it is."
He shrugged slightly. "You don't have to blame yourself… Okami told me this morning, before she left, about your conversation." He shook his head gently, as if exasperated in advance. "She has this gift, sometimes, using the worst words to talk about things that sting."
He gave a half-smile. "I thought she'd have talked to you about the mission first… before making you go through it." He grimaced. "She really has no patience, does she?"
Shinji didn't respond. The words were meant to comfort him, but they only scraped at a still-open wound.
Gerald let out a soft sigh as he stood. "Come on, get up." He patted his knees, then pointed to the door with a nod. "Meet me in the courtyard when you're ready." He paused. "We need to train and prepare as much as we can… even with the little time we have."
He glanced briefly at the door, his voice lower. "The guards will be cautious this time. Because of what happened." He tried to say it gently, but Shinji understood what he really meant.
'The mission would be harder, and it's all my fault."
He nodded slowly, and Gerald said nothing more and left the room, softly closing the door behind him.
The silence in the room returned when Shinji turned his head to the left. Neko was there, his green eyes locked on him.
Shinji ran a hand over his face; his palms covered his cheeks as he said in a barely audible breath, almost to himself: "I'm going to… earn their forgiveness."
He stood slowly and unwrapped the bandages from his forearms, then left the room without a sound. He descended the corridor and went to the small stone room at the end, the one with the stone basin that Haruka had shown him the first time he saw her.
Shinji let the water run as he dipped his hands and held them there for a moment before bringing them to his face, and when he looked down, he saw the reflection of his hands in the water.
When he saw the mark left by the knife, Shinji immediately looked away, wiped his hands, and left.
The refuge's courtyard bathed in a timid, gray light. When he arrived, he found that Gerald was already waiting, arms crossed, leaning against a wall.
Shinji stopped just for a second and watched Haruka spinning slowly, Elena in her arms. The girl laughed, eyes half-closed, suspended between gusts of wind.
He didn't know why, but he saw himself; the sun on his cheeks and his mother, radiant with softness, spinning him with arms outstretched.
'My…mother?'
He tried to make up her face, but no image appeared to him; the fragment of memory went through him and left him without notice.
'Why… why can't I remember?'
It was all he had ever wanted, after all, to remember who he was and return to his loved ones. He had never wanted to become the center of a conflict bigger than his own person, but he didn't have time to lose himself in memories when he heard a voice, worryingly screaming his name.
"Shinji!" Haruka ran toward him, "Are you okay… after last night?" She stopped just in front of him, her eyes slightly narrowed.
Shinji nodded. "Yeah… I'm better." He lowered his eyes briefly, then raised them with sincerity. "Thanks for yesterday… for bringing me back to the room."
Haruka raised her brows, almost surprised. "It's normal, but are you sure you can come with us? After what you've been through…" She didn't dare finish.
Shinji let out a small laugh to reassure her, but also to cope with it himself. "My wounds have healed." He looked away slightly, then locked eyes with her again. "Okami's right. I must prove that I deserve your forgiveness and respect. Yours first, Haruka."
She looked at him without speaking and let out just a soft breath with a gentle flicker in her eyes, but Gerald decided it was enough. He stepped away from the wall, arms still crossed. "Alright, this isn't the time to play the charmer." His voice echoed in the courtyard with feigned amusement. "We're here to train, not to make hearts flutter."
Shinji blinked. "What? No, I… it's not… I didn't mean-" He stammered, and Haruka… burst into laughter.
Gerald smiled, then approached Shinji. This time, his gaze was more serious as he handed him a wooden sword. "Here." Shinji took it without thinking. "And sorry to bring it up again…" Gerald crossed his arms. "But… when you used the knife, didn't you notice a shadow coming out?"
Shinji froze, his fingers tightened around the wooden hilt.
'I promised them I'd be honest.'
He raised his eyes and took a deep breath. "Yes. A shadow came out right when I took the knife."
Gerald crossed his arms, his gaze fixed on Shinji. "Now… try to remember."
Shinji frowned slightly. "Remember what?"
"What you felt when the shadow came out, just before it, during, and after." Gerald took a step toward him, his voice lower, almost grave: "Hatred, Shinji. You felt it, didn't you?"
Shinji immediately felt something twist in his head as if he missed a heartbeat, and the ground seemed to waver around him.
"Whoa. You okay?" Gerald asked.
Shinji shook his head gently, trying to regain his composure. "Yeah… yeah. It's just… the sun. It's hitting hard," but even he didn't believe his own words.
Gerald decided not to press any further. "Okami would've explained it better. She was trained directly by the sorceress herself, after all."
Shinji raised his eyes, confused. "The sorceress…?"
Gerald scratched the back of his head, uneasy. "Well… we're not really supposed to talk about it. Okami forbade it."
"It's not the time, Gerald, he's not…" Haruka tried to stop Gerald, but before she could finish, Shinji gestured for her to let him speak.
This time, he didn't lower his eyes; he took a step forward, and his tone grew firmer. "I want to understand this world, I don't want to just endure it anymore."
Gerald sighed long, crossed his arms. "Alright…" He hesitated, then exhaled. "I was talking about Enma."
The name didn't even need to reach his ears; Shinji read it on his lips. "Enma." His heart stopped cold, his breath vanished, and his knees gave out.
Without another word, Shinji collapsed.