Chapter 84 – Sick Sheldon
"Penny?" Sheldon's voice shot up an octave. He lifted the hem of his bathrobe to cover most of his face. "It's Penny again!"
"What now?"
"Don't tell me you came straight here from your apartment! You're contaminated. You're a walking biohazard, do you understand?" Sheldon carefully produced a bottle of disinfectant spray and unleashed a misty barrier into the air.
Only this ritual gave him the illusion of safety from the lurking viruses, while Leonard and Ron looked on, dumbstruck by his ridiculousness.
Honestly, even though Ron had witnessed this sort of thing countless times, seeing it again still made him think: What an absolute idiot.
"Don't you think you're overreacting just a little?" Leonard finally snapped. "I'm not going to stand here and humor you—I'm going back to bed."
He turned to leave, but Sheldon caught his arm.
"Wait," Sheldon said, handing him a cup. "Put this in the bathroom."
Leonard glanced at the cup, confused. "What for?"
"I need to measure my fluid intake and output to ensure my kidneys aren't failing."
Leonard's expression darkened. Even the mildest man could be driven to fury.
"Sheldon! That's my baking cup!"
"No, this laboratory vessel has always been used for collecting urine."
"HAHAHA—"
Ron, comfortably seated in the best viewing spot, burst out laughing so hard he nearly fell over, drawing murderous glares from the other two.
"You have time to label every single thing in this apartment, but you couldn't spare ten seconds to slap a label on this one that says 'Urine Cup'?!" Leonard bellowed.
Sheldon calmly retrieved the cup from his hands, flipped it over, and pointed to the bottom.
"It's right here."
Leonard stared, then sighed in defeat. "Fine. I guess I owe Betty's Kitchen an apology letter."
Betty's Kitchen was a cooking show where Leonard had learned the recipe for those pastries. Since they hadn't tasted nearly as good as advertised, he'd even called in a complaint.
Before leaving, though, Leonard made sure Ron wouldn't get off scot-free. Watching him laugh hysterically while stuffing pastry after pastry into his mouth, Leonard leaned closer.
"Yeah—those pastries you're wolfing down? I made them with this." He gave the cup a little shake.
"Urgh—!"
Ron's stomach lurched. He jammed a finger into his throat, gagging, then shoved Leonard aside and bolted for the bathroom.
Sheldon blinked. "Weren't those the local specialties Penny brought over today?"
"I know." Leonard looked supremely satisfied. At least he'd finally gotten his revenge on Ron.
---
The night passed uneventfully.
The next morning, Leonard awoke in terror to Sheldon's voice shrieking from across the apartment.
"Leonard! I'm really sick!"
"Leonaaard—Leonaaaard—"
Leonard scrambled to throw on some clothes, grabbed his shoes, and bolted for the door. Before he left, he even stopped to knock apologetically on Ron's door.
"Leonard?"
Ron opened up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and glancing at his watch. "I don't remember you being the kind of inconsiderate neighbor who wakes people up at six-thirty in the morning."
"Ron!" Leonard shook him urgently. "Sheldon is sick!"
"!!!"
Ron was instantly wide awake. He didn't even bother washing up—just threw on the first clothes he could find and followed Leonard out.
Not long after they'd hurried downstairs, Sheldon, wrapped in his little blanket, knocked on Ron's apartment door. Down below, Ron let out a long sigh of relief and patted Leonard's shoulder.
"Thank God you were there. If not, that lunatic would've latched onto me."
Leonard was still catching his breath when his phone rang. It was Sheldon.
"Leonard, where are you?"
"I'm…working," Leonard blurted out the first excuse he could think of.
"On Sunday morning at six-thirty?"
"That's right."
"Listen," Sheldon began coughing dramatically as Leonard put him on speaker. "Just as I predicted, I really am sick. My temperature has been climbing exponentially since two a.m., and the amount of blood in my phlegm is simply astonishing."
"No wonder," Ron muttered under his breath. "You didn't sleep all night, getting up every hour to check your temperature—anyone would get sick."
"Ron? Leonard, is Ron with you?!" Sheldon's voice shot up.
Ron wanted to smack himself—how had he forgotten about Sheldon's superhuman hearing? He shot Leonard a desperate look, silently begging him to cover for him.
But the next second, Leonard betrayed him without hesitation, shoving the phone into Ron's hand.
Ron glared daggers at him, the unspoken threat clear in his eyes: Just you wait. The next time Penny shows up, I'm going to collect this debt from your future wife.
"Yes, Sheldon, it's me," Ron said through gritted teeth. "I'm here with Leonard. We were, uh…planning to work on a little project."
"What project?" Sheldon wheezed. "You don't know the first thing about physics."
Ron clenched his fist, resisting the urge to strangle the grown man who was somehow still the world's biggest brat. For the sake of their mother and grandmother, he forced himself to keep a gentle tone.
"I'm working on something that needs scientific input—mechanical engineering, actually. Would you be interested in joining?"
"You want a theoretical physics genius to help you with mechanical engineering? That's like taking a max-level Warcraft character back to the newbie village to kill baby monsters," Sheldon replied with scorn.
"Suit yourself," Ron said coolly. "We're busy. If there's nothing else, I'm hanging up now."
Before Sheldon could answer, Ron quickly hit the end call button.
"Thanks, man," Leonard panted, bracing himself on his knees and offering Ron a fist bump. "If you hadn't spoken up, I wouldn't have known how to cover that. Mechanical engineering—where'd you even come up with that?"
Ron bumped his fist back. "Because I really am working on that. Howard and Rajesh are already helping me, and now you can pitch in too."
"Consider it payback for rescuing you from Sheldon's clutches. A day of free labor isn't too much to ask, right?"
Technically, Ron didn't quite understand what mechanical engineering had to do with experimental physics, but if he remembered correctly, Leonard was pretty handy. He and Howard had once built a navigation system together.
Leonard felt like he'd escaped the tiger only to walk right into the wolf's den. Why do these two always pick me to squeeze dry?
"Can I not come?" Leonard asked weakly. He'd been dreaming of finally enjoying a relaxing weekend—he didn't even want to work overtime, let alone be an unpaid intern.
"Of course you can," Ron replied, baring all his teeth in a smile that made Leonard's hair stand on end. "But in that case, I'll call my dear little brother and tell him you've suddenly come home again. How's that sound?"
"No, no—fine, I'll go!" Leonard had no choice but to surrender.