I was floating in nothingness.
No, that wasn't right. I didn't have a body or anything that could float. Everything was empty.
It felt similar to when my consciousness expanded to the Magic Field, except that… there was no body to go back to now. There was just the Magic Field.
But… I was still Ryo.
That didn't seem right.
I should drop being Ryo.
I could just be Magic and let go.
That would be good. That way, I could properly rest.
…But. Who was going to look after Penguin? I should have taught him how to survive by himself. Would he be able to?
My chest ached.
I mean, I didn't have a chest anymore, but it felt the same.
I really didn't want to inflict another loss on Llewellyn.
…Maybe I was giving myself more importance than I had. Was I being too sentimental?
The truth was, Llewellyn had only known me for a very short time.
It wasn't like we were family.
It probably wouldn't hurt as badly for him. Not for very long, anyway.
He'd get over it quickly.
But… Wait. Penguin was bonded to me!
What happened to bonded creatures when their person died?! Did they just… disappear?!
The System had said the bond stabilized him. If I wasn't there anymore…
Llewellyn would probably take care of Penguin, right? Surely he wouldn't leave him alone?
No, he wouldn't. There was no way he would.
Would he bond with him to stabilize him, though? Would Penguin let him?
My stomach dropped.
He'd been frantic while I was dying, and he and Llewellyn didn't have the best relationship at the very beginning. But they were fine now, right? At least, I hoped they were.
I had to trust that Llewellyn would figure out the bond situation. At least that.
He wouldn't leave Penguin to die.
Besides, the System had made sure I bonded with Penguin, so… maybe it would look after him now too and find someone else if Llewellyn didn't want to or if Penguin wouldn't let him.
Maybe I could let go, then.
It'd be fine.
It was not like—
I mean. My life… Well. It had not been very good.
Not as awful as some others, so I wasn't really in a position to complain. Still.
I'd not done anything worthwhile.
There hadn't been much love in it either.
I couldn't really blame anyone for it though. Sometimes it was tempting to think that if my mother had been a bit more—
But.
I'd not been able to love the people around me well myself. I'd not been able to take care of the people I loved properly. So it was difficult to blame her for that either.
Had I tried hard enough? Should I have tried harder?
But I wouldn't even know how to do that.
If I could rewind time… I still wouldn't know how to live my life better and not fuck everything up. I'd probably just end up in the same mess again.
What was I holding on to, then?
Gran would be sad, but… she was strong. As long as the System paid for her new apartment, she'd be okay.
Llewellyn and Penguin would be fine.
And… that was it.
I had no one else in my life who'd be touched by this, so… that was fine.
It didn't matter.
It was just sad that I couldn't see them anymore, that was all.
I kept remembering things.
The rare times Llewellyn laughed. How he was so confident one moment and then got so embarrassed his ears turned red. The way he moved when he was fighting, like he'd choreographed the whole thing instead of making it up as he went. The way he kept remembering the foods I liked. His coat fanning around him as he walked. His cashmere addiction.
Ah, what was the point of remembering now? It just made everything worse.
Still. I'd have liked to stick around a bit longer.
Figure out what we were doing. Whether the System's matchmaking nonsense had a point, or if we just happened to fit.
I'd wanted to see if he'd come with me to an Elemental Café for a late night session. We'd have had to use concealment, but… It would have been fun if we could've pulled it off.
"…"
Fuck.
I'd really never had anything good in my life until now.
I didn't want to go like this.
I didn't want to be here alone.
I wanted to kiss Llewellyn.
I wanted to pat Penguin's head one last time and make him pancakes, or let him try some new food.
I'd never used my Sea-Blessed Boots to take him for a walk in his fish form either.
I'd kept him cooped up at home so often, he hadn't seen much of life at all.
And I wanted to play Dungeons and Realms with Gran one last time. I hadn't been able to see her as much lately, and now she was probably going to find out from the news that I…
How long had I been floating here? I didn't know.
I missed them so badly it made me want to do something, but there was nothing to do.
Should I let go of Ryo? Or was it important that I stayed here and remembered them?
Was there anything I could do from here?
Ah… Let's not sugarcoat things.
This was it now. I was dead.
I wasn't going to be of help here.
Remembering hurt, but… not remembering felt worse.
I kept floating, aimlessly.
'Floating' wasn't right either.
I kept being, I suppose, somehow.
That also didn't seem like the right word.
This place felt safe. Magic felt safe. Being Magic would be fine.
But… I probably wouldn't be able to remember anything anymore. Anyone.
Was that what I wanted?
I missed them.
I missed them all, but my mind kept going back to Llewellyn the most.
I'd wanted to kiss him one last time, but I hadn't even been able to do that. I'd never even had a chance to say—
Anyway. Maybe I should just let go.
What good was this? I was just tearing my heart apart. Or… whatever it was that was feeling this pain now, since I didn't really have a heart.
Could I really just let go?
"…"
There was a sudden wind.
Then, out of the blue, I felt a hand touch my forehead. Warmth spread through me.
…Huh? What was this?
I opened my eyes. It seemed like I could open them now. Weird.
I was… lying down on a beach.
What?
I blinked and looked around. Where was I even—
"For your little creature, huh?" a female voice said, crouching down next to me.
I looked up.
What the—
"Queen Seolene?!!" I said, flabbergasted.