Lina
Elias snorted.
"So what are your primaries?"
Nadia reacted as if he had just asked for our bank information.
Her eyes widened dramatically as she leaned away from him. "Didn't anyone teach you how personal that question is?"
Elias immediately looked worried.
"Oh." He lowered his voice. "I didn't think it was that deep. Sorry."
Nadia held the expression for another second before a grin cracked through it.
"I'm messing with you."
Elias stared.
"I don't care."
"You suck," Elias said
"Oh, I know."
She leaned forward across the cafeteria table anyway, lowering her voice like we were exchanging classified information. "Mine lets me gradually influence things I interact with over time."
That sounded much more complicated than she made it seem.
Elias immediately asked if she was influencing us.
Then I learned Elias could manipulate currents, mostly air.
He said that part with such unnecessary enthusiasm that I wondered if he had spent his entire childhood waiting for someone to ask.
Gabriel's was stranger.
He scratched the back of his neck when Nadia asked him.
"I can temporarily enhance things, I guess."
"You guess?" Nadia repeated.
"It's complicated."
Then all three of them looked at me; of course they did.
I had been perfectly comfortable when nobody was expecting anything from me, but now six eyes were waiting.
I hesitated.
"I'm… a healer."
"Boom!"
Nadia shot upright at the same time Elias did.
"You're taking care of all of us!" she announced, pointing at me as she had just assigned me an occupation.
"Our lives are in your hands," Elias added solemnly.
I smiled, then I nodded like that was reassuring, like anybody should feel comfortable putting their life in my hands.
Your lives are in YOUR hands.
To them, everything probably looked fine.
Four new roommates eating together and talking, laughing, and learning things about one another.
A perfectly normal first night at Sablegate Institute. That was probably what Nadia or Elias or Gabriel remembered.
But the table behind them had four boys and two girls; I had noticed them before I even sat down.
I tried not to, but that was the stupid part.
Sometimes noticing something is involuntary, and pretending you haven't noticed it just makes you notice it harder.
I could feel their eyes before I looked.
And when I finally let myself glance over—
there they were.
Ruth Garcia, Kieran Holt, Asher Red, Milo Davison, Celeste Ard, Livvy Corvin.
Six people I had desperately hoped I would never have to share another room with.
They weren't glaring, but that would have been easier; they were smiling. Small, familiar smiles.
The kind that said they weren't planning to do anything yet. They were only checking whether I remembered, and I did.
Every face and laugh that came one second after I answered something wrong. Every insult disguised as concern, every piece of "advice" designed to make me hate whichever part of myself they happened to be talking about, and every time they made me feel stupid, then acted confused when I got upset.
So I didn't say anything. Not to Nadia, Elias, or Gabriel, because what was I supposed to say?
'Hey, sorry to interrupt our first dinner together, but six people across the cafeteria used to make my life miserable, and they're staring at me.'
Then everyone would be like, 'Oh damn'
Then conversation would die, and questions would start. Maybe someone would confront them. Maybe we would all get dragged into something because I couldn't handle being looked at.
Everyone was enjoying themselves.
I could manage one dinner, so I swallowed it and let the feeling settle in my chest like a plate I was carrying but wasn't allowed to put down.
I had already embarrassed myself with Gabriel the day after that. We were sitting beside one another before the logical pre-assessment.
Everyone else in the room was talking.
Gabriel looked toward me.
"Did you sleep at all?" he asked.
"A little." I blinked.
"You seem more awake than Elias."
"That's not difficult." I looked down at my hands.
He chuckled, not a huge laugh but just enough that I knew I had somehow said something funny.
I wanted to laugh too, and I almost did, but then I started wondering whether laughing would sound forced because I had waited too long.
Then I wondered why I was thinking about how to laugh. Then I missed the opportunity completely.
Gabriel kept trying anyway.
"Do you like written tests?"
I hesitated. "I like questions with one correct answer."
"That sounds nice."
"It really isn't," I said
He looked caught off guard.
I saw him glance at me from the corner of my eye.
There was an opportunity to say something. Anything.
'I like them because people are harder.' Too depressing.
'At least paper doesn't interrupt you.' No. It sounded bitter.
Maybe ask him if he was nervous. That was normal; people asked that.
Think, Lina.
I finally raised my head.
Too late.
He already had the examination headset over his ears with his head lowered.
The proctor placed mine in front of me.
I stared at it for a second, then quietly put it on.
Conversation over again.
I spent half the test thinking about answers I could have given to questions nobody was asking anymore.
***
I thought the banquet would be different; that was probably my first mistake. I thought if I dressed differently, talked a little more, smiled before people smiled at me, maybe I could trick myself into becoming someone who belonged somewhere like this.
Nadia and I had even matched; that had been her idea.
She looked amazing; it wasn't jealousy, she really did.
She could wear something ridiculous and somehow convince everyone else that they were the ones dressed wrong.
People kept complimenting her, her hair, her outfit, her boots, her colors.
Every time someone mentioned what she was wearing, Nadia would point toward me because we were matching, and then they would look. Sometimes they'd smile. Sometimes they'd say something like, "Oh, cute." Sometimes they'd tell Nadia the colors worked better on her. Sometimes they'd compliment her again and move on.
Nobody was trying to hurt me, but that somehow made it worse.
Because if everyone is being nice and you still feel terrible, who exactly are you supposed to blame?
Eventually Nadia got pulled into another conversation, Elias had somehow accumulated a crowd around whatever stupid game he was organizing, and Gabriel was still nearby.
So it was fine.
It was fine.
It was completely fine because I could talk to Gabriel. I even started thinking about what I could say. Maybe ask whether he liked the banquet. Maybe ask whether he had been to something like this before.
Maybe—
"Ey, redhead!"
My stomach dropped before Gabriel even turned.
Ruth Garcia stood on the other side of the room. Dark brown curls faded into an undercut around his head. Dark hazel eyes. Perfect posture, perfect suit, perfect smile.
"Mind if I borrow you?"
Gabriel looked at me first.
"If you don't mind," he said.
Of course I didn't mind.
I shook my head because I was very good at waiting.
"Alright. I'll be back." And he walked away.
That was fine too.
Who was I to decide who Gabriel could talk to?
I had known him for only three days, and somehow that already felt unfairly short.
I watched Ruth welcome him into the circle like they had been friends for years; of course he could.
Ruth could talk to anyone. They all could.
Kieran stood nearby with his blue-black hair and brown eyes, looking amused before anyone had even said anything funny.
Asher was beside him, blonde, grey-eyed, freckled, wearing that relaxed expression that always made you wonder whether he was laughing at you or simply waiting for the opportunity.
Milo had his messy auburn hair falling into his hazel eyes. He barely spoke.
Then Celeste, who looked like she had dressed for the banquet under the assumption that the banquet had been organized specifically to give people an opportunity to look at her.
Livvy Corvin stood nearby too. Pale, straight black hair, green eyes, quieter than Celeste and somehow harder for me to look at.
They surrounded Gabriel, not aggressively. They didn't have to.
There were Questions, jokes.
Little comments, nothing wrong, nothing anybody could point to, but that was their talent.
Ruth smiled. "Gabriel, right?"
"Yeah," he said
"Interesting. You were in the spiritual evaluation, weren't you?"
"I was."
Ruth nodded sympathetically.
"So… I was wondering if I could ask what happened afterward. You know?"
Gabriel shifted slightly.
"Nothing much. Just a little reassurance."
Celeste tilted her head.
"I've never seen a case like yours before. Is it normally like that for you?"
"Uh… I guess?"
Poor Gabriel. He had no idea.
Then Ruth's eyes moved toward me, only for a second. I instantly looked away, then waited. then looked back from the corner of my eye.
"So…" Ruth said, "you know Lina?"
Gabriel smiled.
"She's a new friend of mine."
Something strange happened in my chest.
Ruth paused.
"Interesting."
I hated that word.
He used it whenever he had learned something he planned on remembering.
They kept talking, and, annoyingly, Gabriel looked like he was enjoying himself. That hurt, which was stupid.
Of course he was enjoying himself. They were being nice to him. They were funny when they wanted to be.
Charming, polite, easy- everything I wasn't.
A few minutes later, Celeste and Livvy peeled away from the group and wandered toward Nadia, who was trying, and completely failing, to conceal the fact that she was stealing her third cupcake.
Livvy leaned against the counter in almost the same pose Nadia was already standing in, and Celeste leaned backward beside her.
"Your green-haired roommate is adorable."
Nadia froze halfway through a bite.
"Mmh?"
She swallowed.
"Mhm!"
"She hardly talks, right?" Celeste asked.
"She's shy."
"I know."
Livvy glanced toward me.
"You ever wonder what she's like when she isn't afraid?"
Nadia frowned.
"Huh?"
But Celeste and Livvy were already leaving.
I felt that old pressure climbing into my throat.
They weren't even talking to me. That was worse. They were taking their time. And now Nadia was standing there looking confused because of me.
Great.
Wonderful.
Exactly what I wanted.
Eventually Elias ended up talking to them too.
He was holding a drink in one hand and moving the other so aggressively while talking that I was honestly surprised he hadn't thrown the glass across the room.
"Did you know the academy martial arts program combines three different styles?" Elias said. "It's insane."
"I didn't know that," Milo said.
"Exactly! Apparently they use some kind of old—"
"Your roommate," Ruth interrupted casually. "Is she always that quiet?"
Elias blinked.
"What?"
"Lina."
"Oh."
Elias glanced toward me. I immediately looked somewhere else.
"Yeah," he said. "She's quiet."
Ruth smiled.
"She seems nice."
"She is."
Elias said it so immediately that I actually looked at him.
No hesitation or joke.
Just 'She is.'
Kieran tilted his head.
"Does she ever talk?"
"Sometimes."
"When?"
Elias thought about it.
"When she wants to?"
Asher laughed.
Elias frowned.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"You guys are weird." Elias was smiling when he said it, but there was something defensive underneath.
Ruth chuckled.
"We're just curious."
Elias shrugged.
"She's new here too."
"I know."
Ruth looked toward me again.
"She just seems like she keeps to herself."
"Maybe she likes that."
Then Elias walked away, and somehow that hurt too because he defended me, which meant I should have felt better, but instead I felt guilty that he had needed to.
It wasn't even their fault; Gabriel didn't mean to abandon me, Nadia didn't mean to get distracted, Elias didn't mean to wander away.
Ruth wasn't doing anything wrong.
Technically.
They were talking, that was all.
That was always all. Someone appeared, someone louder, funnier, easier, someone who knew what to say before the conversation had already moved on, and eventually the person sitting beside me stopped sitting beside me.
Nobody ever announced it. Nobody said, 'Lina, I would rather be talking to somebody else,' because they didn't need to. And maybe this was why I hated parties.
Eventually I got tired. Not angry or crying, just tired, so I left quietly.
No dramatic exit because nobody needed to know.
The quadrangle outside was covered in snow. Campus lights reflected against the pale ground, and the fountain in the center had partially frozen around the edges, though water still moved beneath the ice.
I sat on the stone rim.
The cold didn't bother me much. It was honest. It didn't pretend it wanted you around.
I watched the water moving beneath the lights and went through everything I should have said tonight. Something smarter, funnier, or something interesting enough that somebody might have wanted to stay.
I knew what it meant when conversations died around me, and I knew what it meant when people forgot to return. I knew what it felt like to watch everyone else naturally find a place while I had to keep carving one out of thin air.
I told myself I wasn't upset, that I was tired or overstimulated or just bad at parties.
Maybe—
"Did you think nobody would notice if you left?"
I almost jumped.
I turned.
Gabriel. Of course.
I looked away again immediately.
I wasn't crying. I had absolutely no intention to.
He came closer slowly.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't realize they were going to keep me talking that long."
"It's fine."
He sat beside me.
Wrong answer.
Now he was here. And because he was here, I had to convince him somehow that I hadn't walked outside because I was pathetic enough to get sad over people talking to other people.
I forced a tiny smile, and he stared at it, and it lasted maybe two seconds before dying.
"Has something been bothering you?"
"No."
An easy answer.
It was simple. That was the problem with being me. If I stayed quiet, nobody noticed. If I showed too much, then I felt like I was begging them to notice. So I lied.
Gabriel didn't buy it.
"You don't have to tell me."
Good.
"But something is."
Bad.
I stared at the fountain.
Say something. Anything.
End this conversation before you embarrass yourself.
"I need a drink."
He immediately stood.
"Any preference?"
Why did he take that seriously?
"No."
"Alright."
And then he just left.
I stared at the spot where he had been sitting.
Maybe that worked. Maybe I had successfully escaped—
A minute later, he came back carrying two wine glasses.
Of course he did.
He sat beside me again and handed one over.
"I picked my favorite. I thought you'd like it."
I stared at the glass.
"Alcohol."
Gabriel looked at me.
"I didn't think you were a kid."
"I'm not."
I took a sip.
I almost laughed, but I stared into the glass instead.
"Are you going to open up now?" he asked.
That should have annoyed me.
"Gabriel."
"What's up?"
I swallowed.
"Are we really… friends?"
He looked genuinely confused.
"Of course."
"Why?"
His confusion somehow became worse.
"Why wouldn't we be?"
"Isn't it kind of… obligatory?"
"What is?"
"That we're friends because we're roommates."
Gabriel stared at me.
I wanted to eat the fountain.
I wanted to crawl underneath the ice and remain there until graduation.
"Huh?"
"You think we're only friends because we occupy the same room?"
"You don't know me."
"Do I have to?"
"Somewhat, yeah."
"I didn't think I needed to."
We sat there quietly.
Then he shrugged.
"Now I already feel like everything is my business," I said.
He took a drink.
"I wouldn't mind if you tagged along with whatever I'm doing. Assuming it's safe."
Something was irritating about the way he could say things like that as if they were obvious. Like there wasn't anything to analyze, like being friends with someone could simply be a decision.
"I simply can't enjoy parties," I said.
"Why?"
Because parties were proof everybody else naturally knew how to belong. Proof people could laugh without deciding whether it was normal first. Proof everyone else could enter a conversation without wondering if their presence had made the conversation worse.
I looked at him. "Do you think I'm boring?"
My face immediately began burning. That question hurt much more spoken aloud than it had inside my head.
Gabriel answered instantly.
"No."
I believed him for approximately half a second, then my brain began arguing with him for me.
"I'm not good at talking."
"That doesn't make you boring."
"I barely say anything."
"That's not the same thing."
"I can't keep anyone's attention."
Gabriel frowned.
"Is that what this is about?"
I shrugged.
I didn't tell him the worst part, that I was never anybody's first choice. That sentence stayed behind my teeth. It was too embarrassing, too needy.
Gabriel looked down at his glass for a moment.
"You know Nadia notices when you don't take dessert."
I looked at him.
"What?"
"She does."
I blinked.
"Every time she passes you something after she eats, you think she's giving you leftovers."
My stomach twisted.
"She isn't?"
"No. She thinks it tastes nice. She wants you to try it."
"Oh."
"She was going to bring you a cupcake tonight too."
I stared at him.
"But you were already gone."
"…Oh."
"And Elias," he said.
"What about him?"
"You know how he shifts away whenever you sit beside him?"
I looked down. Of course I noticed that.
"He told me he's just trying to give you space because he thought crowded seating makes you uncomfortable."
I slowly looked back up.
"He doesn't know how much space to give, though, so sometimes he looks like he's escaping you."
I actually almost laughed.
"He's an idiot," Gabriel added.
That almost got me.
"People notice you, Lina."
He looked toward the banquet hall.
"Just not always in obvious ways."
That hurt, not because he was wrong, but because maybe I had noticed those things. Maybe I had seen every single one of them and decided they didn't count because believing they counted felt more dangerous.
I kept my expression still. If I smiled, I thought I might cry instead.
But something shifted. Not fixed, shifted.
I was slightly less certain that everybody silently tolerated me. Maybe some of them quietly cared.
We sat there longer.
Eventually Gabriel stood.
"Would you like to dance?"
I stared at him.
"What?"
"Dance."
"Out here?"
"Yeah."
"I don't know how."
"That's okay."
"You can't even hear the music from here."
He looked back toward the ballroom.
"Do you need music to dance?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because otherwise you look insane."
Gabriel considered that.
"Well, sometimes you have to use your imagination."
I wanted to laugh.
He was unintentionally ridiculous.
The weird part was that he didn't seem to care whether anybody thought so.
He offered me his hand, and I immediately looked away. Then slowly looked back.
His hand was still there, so I took it.
He pulled me up.
Dancing was one of those things that happened to other people, people in stories, people in warm memories, people who knew what they were doing. Not me.
But Gabriel guided me slowly through it, correcting me without making it feel like correction.
When I stepped wrong, he didn't laugh. When I hesitated, he waited. When I forgot where my feet were supposed to go, he made the next movement easier instead of pointing it out.
Snow fell around us.
No music or audience, just two idiots dancing beside a half-frozen fountain.
And eventually I smiled. Not because I thought I should, or because somebody was looking. A real smile.
And for the first time that night, I was actually having fun.
Maybe I hadn't forgotten; maybe I had just forgotten that I was allowed to.
He looked at me.
"If something's wrong, tell me."
I nodded.
"Or Nadia."
Another nod.
"Or Elias."
"…Okay."
"We're friends."
He said it like that settled everything, and maybe, for tonight, it did.