I swear, your Honor, we were just trying to buy lunch."
That's how it always begins—with a perfectly normal errand turning into international headlines and structural damage.
To clarify:
We weren't heroes.
We weren't villains.
We weren't even qualified to run a food truck.
We were just… hungry.
---
Enter: Kazuki Kuroda.
Age: 26.
Occupation: Unverified.
IQ: Classified.
Moral Alignment: Somewhere between "neutral lazy" and "chaotic sparkle."
Kazuki was the type of guy who faked migraines to avoid doing paperwork. He once got out of jury duty by pretending to be possessed. He wore flip-flops to a hostage negotiation.
He also happened to be our leader.
God help us.
---
That morning, he had only one goal:
"Get the yakisoba bread. Deliver it to Mika before she turns into an IRS agent with explosives."
It sounded simple.
Until Kazuki decided to drag Renji Yamada—college freshman, the group's only legal adult-in-progress, and unofficial emotional support intern.
---
"Kazuki-san," Renji said nervously, jogging beside him.
"Why are you wearing sunglasses and a trench coat? We're going to a bakery."
Kazuki sipped strawberry milk like a man who hadn't paid rent in six months.
"We're going incognito. For stealth."
"Stealth from who—?! It's a bakery!"
"Sshhh. Bread doesn't wait for the slow."
---
Somewhere between "normal Tuesday" and "mildly cursed field trip," a getaway van exploded into a streetlamp three feet from them.
Screams. Sirens. Glitter.
A literal bank robbery was in progress across the street.
---
Renji (panicking): "That's a BANK ROBBERY!! Shouldn't we call the police?!"
Kazuki (still sipping milk): "They're busy. We're on break."
Renji: "WE DON'T HAVE SHIFTS!!"
---
Naturally, things escalated.
Timeline of Bad Decisions Kazuki Made in 14 Minutes:
1. Lied his way into the bank claiming to be a "Government-Registered Negotiation Specialist."
2. Threw a yakisoba bun like a grenade. Hit someone's nose.
3. Convinced Renji to disguise himself as a potted plant.
4. Somehow made the robbers cry with a speech about tax fraud and lactose intolerance.
---
And then came Mr. Beans.
A talking cosmic cat-raccoon-thing with a god complex and IBS.
He strolled in like he owned the bank.
Mr. Beans: "These fools took the interest-free loan system too seriously."
Robber (sobbing): "Why is the cat judging me?!"
Kazuki (to the robbers):
"Drop the guns. Or my milk goes sour. And you won't like me when I'm lactose-intolerant."
---
Ten minutes later:
Hostages: Saved
Building: Smoking
Robbers: Hugging Mr. Beans for forgiveness
Renji: Fainted
Mika: Texted "where's my bread" in all caps
Oh, and the Prime Minister sent us a business card with the words:
"You're hired."
---
Renji (later, face down on the floor):
"We were buying lunch. Just lunch. Why is the national news calling us heroes?!"
Kazuki (breaking the fourth wall, sipping milk):
"Welcome to our story. Please don't cancel us."
---
🍓 Kazuki Quote Centre
"Violence isn't always the answer. Sometimes it's yakisoba."