The dog-headed, gold-colored tablet spun rapidly in Deadpool's hand.
He crouched, holding it up as if he had discovered a priceless treasure.
"What is this?" he asked dramatically.
No one expected it to be anything good. Everyone figured Deadpool was just being Deadpool again, showing off for the sake of it. That was his thing — whether or not the moment was important, he always had to clown around. Words tumbled out of his mouth endlessly, buzzing like flies against glass.
At first, Malrick thought the same. He was busy considering whether to send the younger Spider-Men back to their respective universes one by one. The idea of glimpsing other parallel worlds in the process crossed his mind.
But then his eyes drifted casually toward the tablet Deadpool was flipping around. His gaze lingered, and something about it jolted his memory.
"…Huh?"
Malrick turned back sharply, studying the object Deadpool now balanced between his elbow and shoulder. A strong sense of déjà vu tugged at him. The style of the device was unmistakable. He had seen it before.
His back straightened as the realization set in. The last time he saw a tablet like this was in Loki.
It was a TVA device. A time-space controller, capable of traversing both timelines and realities.
Malrick's expression hardened. Multiple glances confirmed it — Deadpool wasn't just spinning some random trinket. That was a genuine TVA tablet.
But how in the world did he get it?
Could this Deadpool really be from some variant of the Marvel Cinematic Universe where he had broken into the TVA? The Multiverse was infinite. Any story could happen somewhere.
"Wait a second," Malrick muttered under his breath.
He knew his own knowledge of MCU events only stretched up through The Marvels. Anything after that, he was in the dark. Better to just ask directly.
"That's a TVA time tablet, right?" he called out. "Did you join them… or did you rob them?"
The words froze the room. The Spider-Men turned to look at Deadpool.
"What tablet?" Gwen asked, following Malrick's gaze. Her eyes widened as she saw it spinning precariously on Deadpool's backside.
"Are you saying that's real?" she breathed.
Holland's Spider-Man frowned. "Time…? Wait. Can that thing actually send us back?"
"So Deadpool wasn't just joking?" Another Spider-Man scratched his head.
Acting on instinct, one of them shot out a web, aiming to snatch it from Deadpool. But Deadpool spun around first, clutching it to his chest like a prize.
"This is Deadpool's genius at work!" he shouted.
Unfortunately for him, the web had already been fired. It smacked into him lower than intended, landing squarely between his legs with a wet thwip.
Deadpool let out an exaggerated, soul-shaking moan. He swayed his hips, blew a kiss, and winked.
"My sweet Little Peter," he purred. "Don't hold back. It's not my first time."
"Ugh!" Spider-Man recoiled instantly, flinging his hand away from the sticky web like he had touched something foul. Red-faced and disgusted, he shot a new webline and swung to the farthest point in the room.
"Hey! Where are you going?" Deadpool called out after him. "If you don't want to take the lead, I'll gladly do it!"
The rest of the Spider-Men fell into uneasy silence. Sweat trickled down their temples.
Malrick coughed into his fist. "Right. Well, I'm just glad my name isn't Peter."
His eyes narrowed again. "You still haven't answered my question, Deadpool. Where did you get the tablet?"
Deadpool froze, then suddenly straightened up, adopting an oddly serious tone. "That's a very good question."
He jabbed a finger dramatically at Malrick. "That's a freaking amazing question, Harry Potter!"
"It's Malrick," the sorcerer corrected flatly.
Deadpool waved dismissively. "Sorry, sorry. In my story, you're Harry Potter."
Malrick pinched the bridge of his nose. Being stuck in the same space with multiple Spider-Men and Deadpool at once made him feel like the quietest man alive.
Deadpool twirled dramatically, his voice dropping into a faux-mystical whisper. "My story begins a long, long time ago…"
"How long?" Little Peter asked curiously from Malrick's arms. He had been covering his ears through most of Deadpool's antics, unsure what was happening.
"Very, very long," Deadpool assured him warmly. His voice softened at the boy's expectant expression. "Now listen closely… this is where it all began."
He coughed twice for effect, then raised his hand as if delivering the greatest origin tale ever told.
"Everyone, let's do this one last time. My name… is Wade Winston Wilson."
The Spider-Men groaned. Malrick's lips twitched. Deadpool was blatantly mimicking Spider-Man's famous opening line.
"In the beginning," Deadpool declared proudly, "I was bitten by a chimichanga named Francis."
Groans turned into facepalms.
"And in less than ten years, I became the immortal, unstoppable, super-duper hero: Deadpool!"
Deadpool threw his arms wide and paused for applause. Only Little Peter clapped enthusiastically. Deadpool blew him kisses, spinning in delight before continuing.
"You know the rest," he said grandly. "I was afraid Vanessa would never accept me, since my face looked like a chewed chimichanga. But she did. She still loved me. And we lived happily ever after, bleep bleep bleep—"
Malrick immediately covered Little Peter's ears again.
Deadpool's tone shifted suddenly, growing somber. "But then… Vanessa died. Because of me."
The room went quiet.
"…Until I got a little time gadget from Thanos—okay, okay, Cable. I fixed it, went back, and saved her. Then we lived happily ever after again, more bleep bleep bleep—"
Malrick sighed.
Deadpool rambled on, listing his chaotic adventures: killing Ryan Reynolds, stopping Hitler, fighting alternate Deadpools. Then his voice grew dramatic once more.
"But after all that, I still wasn't satisfied. I tried to join the Avengers."
"And?" Gwen asked cautiously.
Deadpool's eye twitched. "Happy Hogan. That guy wouldn't even buy me a cheeseburger. Said my parallel parking skills weren't Avenger-level."
He stomped his foot, fuming. "And don't even get me started on the Hulk statue I saw in their office doing things I can't describe!"
The Spider-Men exchanged glances. Malrick just sighed again, rubbing his temples.
The longer Deadpool talked, the more he wondered if the Multiverse was worth saving at all.