The moment Lila agreed to stay—temporarily, conditionally, and under the very firm clause of "until I find a way out of here"—Kael threw a celebration.
Correction.
A "Royal Hellish Banquet of Unholy Matrimonial Binding."
It had a welcome banner written in goat blood, fireworks made of screaming skulls, and a cake that kept trying to bite people.
"You call this a romantic dinner?" Lila muttered, eyeing a dish that was still twitching. "That meat just winked at me."
Kael beamed, sitting regally at the other end of the dining table the size of an airport runway. "It only winks at the beautiful ones."
"Oh please," Lila groaned. "It winked at the chandelier too."
"That chandelier is an archdemon. It appreciates flattery."
A small goblin waiter scuttled past, offering her a glass of something suspiciously purple and bubbling. The label read: *Liquid Regret – Now with More Screaming!*
"I just wanted pancakes," Lila mumbled.
Kael raised his goblet. "To my glorious wife! May your soul never escape!"
Lila raised her glass half-heartedly. "To... indigestion."
The entire court of demons erupted into cheers. Somewhere, a trumpet blew itself up in celebration.
And that was before the fork incident.
Kael leaned forward, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Do you know, in Hell, feeding someone is considered a very... intimate gesture?"
Lila narrowed her eyes. "Feeding... like, with hands?"
Kael nodded solemnly. "Or utensils. Especially forks."
He picked up a fork with the same reverence a knight might pick up Excalibur. "Would you permit me to offer you a bite of this roasted soulberry?"
She frowned. "It looks like a dead eyeball."
"It is," he said proudly. "A delicacy."
Before she could protest, Kael reached across the massive table—like a seductive Dracula wielding stainless steel—and slowly brought the fork to her lips.
Lila stared at it.
Then at him.
Then at the fork.
And did what any reasonable woman would do.
She bit his hand.
Hard.
Kael didn't flinch. In fact, he laughed.
"A spirited bride!" he shouted. "Delightful!"
From the corner, one demon wept dramatically. "Ah, young love."
Lila sat back, wiping her mouth. "Listen, horn-boy, I don't care what weird customs you have down here, but if another utensil approaches my face, I'm going to impale someone."
Kael's eyes gleamed. "Do go on. That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me."After the not-so-romantic dinner concluded with a cursed dessert that tried to file a restraining order against her, Lila was escorted to her "chambers."
She had expected something dramatic. Torture devices. Blood fountains. Gothic drama.
What she got was worse.
It was… **adorable**.
Fluffy rugs. Pink curtains. Plush demon toys with googly eyes. A bed that was—she couldn't believe it—a racecar. A black racecar, sure, but still.
"What the hell is this?" she asked, pointing at a pillow that said *"#1 Demon Queen UwU"*
Kael looked smug. "I instructed the decorators to blend mortal aesthetics with demonic flair."
"You gave a bunch of demons Pinterest."
"They were very inspired by 'kawaii culture' and something called 'Tumblr 2014.'"
Lila sat on the bed, stunned. "So I married a demon prince and ended up in a possessed Hello Kitty dreamland."
Kael raised an eyebrow. "You like cats."
"You stalked me?"
"I read your soul."
"Oh cool. You're a demonic stalker with access to my emotional browser history."
Kael placed a hand over his black heart. "Your sarcasm pierces me like a flaming dagger of truth."
"Good. Now kindly get out of my room."
"Traditionally, the husband stays—"
Lila grabbed a plush demon and threw it at his head.
He caught it mid-air, gave it a kiss, and tucked it under his arm.
"I'll allow you time to adjust," he said dramatically, then vanished in a puff of glitter and ominous jazz music.
She blinked. "Did he just teleport with background music?"
The room answered with a soft voice from nowhere: "He does that."
Lila groaned and flopped back on the bed. It meowed.
"I am not okay."
***
The next morning—if it was morning in Hell, time was weird—Lila awoke to chaos.
A demon maid with eight arms barged in carrying five dresses, a scroll, a bucket of lava, and a breakfast plate that screamed.
"GOOD MORNIN', YER MAJESTY!" the maid bellowed. "Time fer yer royal appointment: Ye've got a smiting ceremony at ten, tea with the Bone Council at eleven, and a dramatic fall-down-some-stairs scene scheduled before lunch!"
Lila sat up, bleary-eyed. "...I'm sorry, what?"
The maid (her name was Bloop, apparently) launched into a whirlwind of explanation.
"You's gonna be officially presented to the court as His Unholiness's lawfully wedded bride! There'll be dancin', screamin', cryin' and possibly spontaneous combustion! It'll be lovely."
"I'm wearing pajamas with ducks on them."
"No worries! We've got royal garments fresh from the Flaming Thread Pits o' Doom!"
Bloop held up the options. One looked like a prom dress made of fire. Another resembled a tutu made of smoke. The third was just... chains.
"I'll take the pajama ducks," Lila said.
"You're the queen," Bloop shrugged, setting the ducks aside and hurl