The voices don't stop. I feel like I'm going to break, I know I'm going to break. These emotions consume me, cloud me, make me lose sight of my true self.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but it's impossible to resist the urge to scream, to end it all. Why am I sacrificing myself like this?
I've suffered enough. Everything was supposed to be better now.
"I love you."
Suddenly, I hear her voice and my heart calms.
She will love me forever, no matter what I do or say. By her side, even the darkness is comforting.
So nothing matters, nothing but her.
"I love you."
"..."
It's funny. Even though this is the place where I'm happiest, I can't remember it most of the time.
It doesn't really matter. At some point I'll remember. For now, I should just relax and enjoy the moment.
"I love you."
She noticed my reverie and squeezed my arm to get my attention. Her eyes radiated love, as did the rest of her.
Finally, I turned to her and placed my hand on her face, caressing her cheek. I smiled as she shuddered with happiness at my touch.
"I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you..."
"Shh." I placed my finger on her lips as I brought my face closer to hers. "I know."
I lowered my thumb to her chin, clearing the path. She moaned softly in anticipation.
Then I kissed her.
I woke up dizzy and confused. I felt pain all over my body. Plus, something was pressing hard on me, severely limiting my mobility.
It took me a while to realize I was tied hand and foot. They'd even blindfolded me, leaving me completely incapacitated.
"Hello? If anyone's there, I want to clarify that I'm not interested in sadomasochism. It's true that I'm inexperienced in the sexual realm, but I like it classic and I'm not willing to experiment with my ass to discover if I have other tendencies."
"Is that the first thing you said?" Ryuzu sighed. Since I couldn't see her, it was hard to tell which one it was, but my nose managed to pick up her distinctive scent, identifying her as Shima. "You're quite carefree."
"Not really. It's just a defense mechanism to avoid mental breakdowns." I explained, trying to find my bearings in space-time, since my memories of the last hour were hazy. "I think I did some stupid things before I passed out. What happened to the others?"
"Gabo survived, but he hasn't woken up yet. As for your companions, they're physically fine, but... Well, you can imagine, right?"
"Ugh."
I moaned, but it wasn't from pain, but from stress. When I made the decision to save the sisters, I considered the risks of using the miasma to disinhibit my brain. I knew my personality would be severely affected, and that would be a problem. Incidentally, I learned that technique in my other life.
I had to thank my doppelganger. If it weren't for his expertise, I'd already be on my seventh loop.
"Where are they?"
"I sent them back. I wanted to deal with you alone."
That was logical. After the display I put on, no one in their right mind would let their guard down around me.
"I have to apologize..."
"Don't rush it." Shima said sharply. "I'd like you to answer a few questions."
I remained silent for a moment. As an apostle of greed, I could refuse and order her to release me, but that would be inhumane, or rude to say the least. Besides, I wanted to show my goodwill.
"Sure, go ahead."
"How did you suddenly release a large amount of miasma and become stronger?"
"I have a technique for conjuring the miasma. I did it to stress my brain enough to deactivate the limit of my authority. If you want more details, you'll have to sit down and take notes."
"Hmm, I don't think that's necessary. But tell me one more thing." Shima was being cautious. "Are you susceptible to losing control of yourself like that?"
"Not unless I use that technique, and I only did that because Garfiel was about to kill Rem and Ram. I wouldn't have used it either if I hadn't known my brain couldn't handle the full power of authority for more than a minute. You see how that ended."
"So I shouldn't worry about you going crazy again, right?"
"You mean me going crazier, but no. The miasma that normally surrounds me isn't enough to affect my mind: that requires a much larger amount."
She didn't say anything, but her relief was evident. After that, she removed the blindfold and restraints. As she did so, I looked at her with a flirtatious smile.
"Okay, now let's reverse roles. Give me that so I can tie you up."
It was a joke, but she froze completely and looked at me with a dismayed expression. I raised an eyebrow, but then I understood what was going on when she handed me the rope and meekly extended her wrists.
"Oh, that's right, the apostle's mandate."
Shima had a pink line running down the middle of her pretty face. Her small, soft hands were trembling slightly. I was very tempted to play with her, but I knew it was a one-way street. I forced myself to dismiss the idea for the sake of my own safety.
"Forget it, I'm not that screwed yet."
"For a moment, I thought you might actually do it. Don't scare an old woman like that."
She was able to breathe, and I just grimaced.
"You're lucky I'm not a lolicon anymore."
"So, you're really confident your plan will work?"
Shima's question brought me back down to earth, remembering the whole mess that had given rise to this situation.
"Yes. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I'm 100% confident. After all, I'd have to try again if something went wrong. I'm bound to succeed, at least for the final loop of this arc."
"If you don't want to sound arrogant, saying it like that doesn't help at all." She sighed. "But it doesn't sound like you're bragging. That confidence in your eyes must have a good reason."
"I know. I wish I could have that level of persuasion when it comes to seducing women."
Shima looked at me in a way I can only describe as contemptuous.
"Mmm, I said that out loud, didn't I?"
She nodded. Then I realized something and raised my eyebrows.
"If you're asking me this, does that mean you're going to help me with the plan?"
"Technically, I have no choice, since you defeated Garfiel. Besides, you could just order me to obey you and that would be it."
"Don't remind me that I have that power. I'm trying to be a decent person."
"I appreciate your honesty. For a healthy young man, you know how to restrain your natural impulses."
I tilted my head.
"Okay, let's put that aside. It's awkward talking about my sexual appetite with an old woman who looks like a child."
"Okay." Shima seemed to smile. "What are you doing next?"
"Apologize to the girls, talk to Garfiel when he wakes up, accompany Emilia to take the tests... I hope it doesn't take too long, because I have to leave tomorrow afternoon."
"You're going to the mansion, right?"
"Yes. I have to negotiate with my mercenary girls."
"I see. Then it's decided. I'll help you in any way I can."
"Thank you, Shima. See you later." I bowed before leaving.
I walked back to the settlement, seeing the traces of destruction caused by my battle with Garfiel. I was even surprised by what I could do with my Sloth Authority at 100%. I had subdued both Lye Batenkaitos and Garfiel, but at what cost? My brain was damaged, and my attitude grew violent every time.
Having such powerful authority was great, but in this case, it was like a double-edged sword. 100% was only useful as a last resort, and even then, it could also backfire. I couldn't rely on such a dangerous power. The right choice was to train and become stronger on my own. Perhaps I could encounter more doppelgangers, if there were any.
Supposedly, Pandora was testing me in this timeline. Assuming more than one of my doppelgangers existed, she could be sending them to kill me to make me stronger, since defeating them gives me their memories and abilities. However, she hasn't introduced herself to me even once since the beginning. It made me wonder what her goal was with all of this.
With my current memories, I couldn't formulate a good theory. I'd have to wait for her to show up to clear things up, or at worst, I'd be faced with more doppelgangers.
"Now that I think about it, the "Hunter" wasn't as strong as he should have been. When I faced him, he didn't even use all the techniques I'm starting to remember he had. Was his power suppressed to give me a chance? Or maybe...?"
I didn't want to think about the possibility that my doppelganger had retained some semblance of consciousness or emotions. If that were the case, it would make sense that she would have held back, especially upon seeing Meili. To the me from the other timeline, that girl was like a daughter or a little sister. I cared especially for her, almost as much as I did for Elsa.
Those memories stirred feelings of affection in my heart, causing much confusion in my mind. A part of me felt I should have them back, have them with me again. Perhaps that's why I arranged everything to meet them at the mansion.
"Meili is manageable, but Elsa... Uh, how did I even get to marry her in the first place?" I thought in disbelief.
Minutes later, I arrived at the village. There was no one in sight, but I noticed people watching me from inside the buildings. It was to be expected; the people of this place had plenty of reasons to be afraid. I'd be scared too if I lived in a witch's former territory, run by a crazy clown who wants to resurrect her. Besides, my fight with Garfiel certainly didn't go unnoticed.
When I arrived at Birma's house, I found my favorite merchant sitting in his carriage with Patrasche, who noticed my presence and began to squeal with joy. Otto turned his head in my direction and jumped out of the vehicle to approach me.
"Finally! I've been looking for you. I was worried when that earthquake happened, but Rem and Ram wouldn't tell me what had happened. Where were you?"
"At Shima's house. I tried to recruit Garfiel, but things got a little complicated."
"You had a fight with him, didn't you?" Otto looked at me like I was a disappointed mother.
"I had no choice." I defended myself. "The idiot was so scared he wanted to hand me over to Roswaal to protect the Sanctuary. I think I underestimated his trauma."
"Trauma?"
"It's a long story. We can talk about it later. You said Rem and Ram didn't want to talk. Does that mean you saw them after the earthquake?"
"Yes. Ram had a cut on her cheek, and Rem looked like she'd been crying." Otto nodded, remembering the details. As he did, he began to eye me suspiciously until he finally pointed an accusing finger at me. "Did you do something to them?"
"Why did you assume it was me?" I was outraged. "But yes, it was me."
"I knew it..." Otto covered her face, maintaining the demeanor of an exasperated mother facing her troubled son. "Okay, tell me what happened this time."
I gave him a very brief and concise summary, similar to the explanation I gave to Shima.
"So that was it... Well, I understand better now."
Otto nodded to himself. I wondered what conclusion he'd come to. Then he returned to the carriage and took the reins.
"Patrasche, we're leaving here, as far away from this monster as possible."
"What?! You damn traitor!"
He sighed and shook his head.
"Even though I'd love to get out of here, you still have to pay me for my services."
"You'll get your payment when I'm done with this matter. What's more, I'll give you a bottle of wine from Roswaal's private collection."
"Okay, okay—wait a second, how are you going to pay me after this!?"
It was a good question. Roswaal wouldn't be keen to pay an employee plotting against him. But by that point, I wouldn't need to ask him for anything.
"Once Roswaal is defeated, I'll take whatever I want from him. I can even make Frederica your personal servant."
"That would be a great detail... I mean, I couldn't accept such a thing!"
"It doesn't matter, it was a lie. You're going to have to win her over and take control of her melons."
"Please don't put those images in my mind."
Otto was trying his hardest to block out his lustful thoughts. For some reason, Patrasche chose that moment to go berserk and painfully bit my hair.
"Oh no! What's wrong with you?" I exclaimed in surprise.
"She says you're hopeless." Otto translated.
"Tell her she has no right to complain. I saw her flirting with Julius's dragon a few days ago."
He sighed and started yelling in Patrasche's language, but then he frowned and looked at me.
"Why am I the intermediary between you two?! By the way, she says she only talked about the weather with that dragon. Instead, you've been flirting with Rem and Emilia in front of her without any regard for their feelings."
I looked at Patrasche. She snorted and ignored me.
"She's making a scene?" I asked Otto, but he shrugged. "Ugh, I have no experience with this stuff."
I decided to put that topic aside for the moment. Patrasche was a good dragon, so she should be fine with a little pampering and good food.
"Are the girls inside?" I pointed at the house.
"Yes. Are you going to apologize?"
"Obviously."
"Good luck with that. I hope you get out in one piece."
I rolled my eyes.
"Thanks for your optimism, Scrotto."
"I told you not to do that with my name anymore!"
***
Upon entering the house, I found Ram sitting at the table, drinking a steaming cup of tea.
My intention was to kneel and apologize, but she was quicker.
"If you're going to beg my forgiveness, you'd better save your words, Liendre."
Her tone was sharp, as was the look she gave me. There was no sarcasm or biting. She was just serious.
"But I..."
"You said I'm a fucking whore and that I have a disgusting personality. Those were your words."
She ran her finger in circles around the rim of the cup.
"I understand. I've never been particularly cordial to you, and my loyalty to Master Roswaal, even knowing everything he did, is quite reprehensible. You have a right to think that of me."
"I don't..."
"So." She interrupted me again. "You no longer need to hide your contempt. Feel free to ignore my existence from now on."
Dealing with women was already difficult for me, and when it comes to Ram, the difficulty increases. She was in my top three most difficult women, only behind Elsa and Priscilla.
Interestingly, those two have several attributes in common, and I'm not just talking about personality. You're great, Tappei.
Back to the main topic, my spirits were a bit dampened by the refusal. I've always had trouble dealing with my own shit, but I didn't want to leave things like that.
"I know you won't accept an apology, so I'll just say this. I never felt contempt for you, and that hasn't changed."
She didn't show any reaction, but she didn't stop me from continuing to talk either.
"Even though we don't have the best relationship, I never meant to make you or your sister feel bad. In fact, I care a lot about both of you. I wish you hadn't had to be there when that happened."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better? I don't care. I'm not even mad about what you said anymore." Ram shook her head. "What bothers me is what you did to Rem. Even if you were driven mad by the miasma, I can't forgive you for that."
"Oh, damn, I forgot about that."
I covered my face. I'd essentially used Rem's insecurities as a weapon to stab her in the back. All because of my stupid, wounded pride that made me take it out on her.
Those words weren't for Rem: they were directed at a woman in my world, one I'd stopped seeing a long time ago. As they say, time heals wounds but it doesn't erase scars.
"You saved us from Garf, and I'm grateful, but right now, my sister is suffering because of you."
I felt a pang in my chest when I heard that and remembered Otto's remark. I made her cry. I made an innocent girl cry: the faithful and devoted Rem, no less. A good portion of the Re:Zero fandom would crucify me for this.
"Let me see her, please. I want to explain to her that I don't believe the things I told her."
"Do you think you can fix everything with words? It doesn't work that way."
"At least I can try. I promise I won't insist if she doesn't want to talk."
Ram stared at me, as if she wanted to test my determination and honesty. After a moment, she sighed in resignation.
"Okay, but I'm going with you. You better not screw this up."