Kazuma Satou was a pragmatist. His previous life as a shut-in NEET had taught him the value of risk assessment and effort-to-reward ratios. Teaming up with the red-and-black monstrosity sitting across from him was, by every conceivable metric, a terrible idea. The man was a walking diplomatic incident, a statistical anomaly wrapped in a mystery, and very, very clearly unhinged.
And yet… max vitality and max luck.
The words echoed in Kazuma's mind like a holy mantra. This wasn't just a meat shield; this was a self-regenerating, nigh-unkillable, suspiciously fortunate meat shield. The potential for exploitation was astronomical. He could send this 'Deadpool' person into dungeons to trigger every trap, have him face-tank every spell, and use him to aggro every monster while Kazuma himself stayed at a safe distance, ready to swoop in and collect the loot. The plan was cowardly, exploitative, and utterly brilliant.
"Fine," Kazuma said, letting out a sigh so heavy it felt like it aged him a year. "I'll… I'll party with you. For now. On a trial basis. But we have rules. Rule number one: you listen to me. I'm the seasoned adventurer here, I know how this world works. No running off, no starting fights with nobles, and for the love of all that is holy, no more unsolicited commentary on strangers' legwear."
Deadpool snapped his fingers. "Deal! You be the brains, I'll be the brawn, the good looks, the comic relief, and the team mascot. Now, first order of business: we need a quest. Something with a high Eris payout to fund my burgeoning textile acquisition hobby."
He hopped to his feet and strode over to the quest board, Kazuma trailing reluctantly behind him like a man being led to the gallows. The board was a mess of parchments, ranging from simple delivery requests to terrifying monster subjugation missions.
"Ooh, this one looks promising!" Deadpool said, pointing to a particularly ominous-looking poster with a skull drawn on it. "'Exterminate the Griffin Nest in the Garlock Mountains.' High-flying adventure! Plus, griffins are birds, right? They've gotta have some kind of… feathery undergarments? Or do they not wear pants? This raises important anatomical questions."
"We are level one!" Kazuma hissed, yanking his hand away from the poster. "We can't fight griffins! We'd be a light snack. We need something for beginners. Look." He pointed to a far less threatening parchment. "'Kill five Giant Toads in the nearby wetlands.' The pay is only five thousand Eris, but it's safe. It's manageable."
Deadpool scoffed. "Toads? Seriously? That's so cliché. The starter quest is always slime or giant rats. Toads are a lateral move at best. They're slimy, they're gross, and I guarantee their sock game is non-existent. No, we need a real challenge! How about this one? 'Slay the Ancient Dragon, Ignis, the Scourge of the Crimson Valley!' The reward is three hundred thousand Eris!"
"That's not a quest, that's a suicide pact!" Kazuma whisper-shouted, frantically trying to pull the larger man away from the high-level section of the board. "The Guild only keeps that one up to scare rookies! No one has even seen Ignis in a hundred years!"
As they argued, a commotion started near the Guild's entrance. A group of adventurers had parted ways, creating a clear path. Standing in the doorway, silhouetted by the afternoon sun, was a figure that made Kazuma's blood run cold.
It was a young woman with flowing blue hair, dressed in celestial finery that was now looking a little dusty and travel-worn. She carried a tall, golden staff and was attempting to project an aura of divine authority, which was somewhat undermined by the fact that her stomach was rumbling loud enough to be heard from across the hall.
It was Aqua. The useless goddess who had sent him here.
She spotted Kazuma and her eyes lit up with a mixture of relief and indignation. She marched toward their table, her holy raiment swishing dramatically.
"Kazuma! There you are!" she declared, slamming her staff on the ground for emphasis. "I've been looking all over for you! How could you just abandon me like that?!"
Kazuma stared at her, dumbfounded. "Abandon you? You're the one who threw me out of heaven! What are you even doing here?"
"It's his fault!" she shrieked, pointing a trembling finger. Not at Kazuma, but at the red-and-black figure standing next to him.
Deadpool turned around slowly. He looked Aqua up and down, a long, silent moment passing as he took in her disheveled state. A slow grin spread across his masked face.
"Well, well, well," he drawled, his voice oozing with smug satisfaction. "Look what the cat dragged in, coughed up, and then dragged back in again. If it isn't the lovely Goddess Aqua, formerly of the Celestial Human Resources department. You're looking a little… mortal. Did you get downsized?"
Aqua's face went pale. "You! It's all your fault! After you left, the other gods reviewed my… performance! They said I broke the rules by sending you here with your 'curse' intact! They said I showed poor judgment! They kicked me out! They told me I couldn't come back until the Demon King was defeated!"
She was on the verge of tears, her grand entrance collapsing into a pathetic sob story. The surrounding adventurers, who had been watching with interest, now just looked awkward.
Deadpool, however, was having the time of his life. He let out a loud, barking laugh that echoed through the entire Guild hall.
"Kicked out? Oh, that is beautiful! That's cosmic justice, right there!" he howled, wiping a fake tear from his eye. "You tried to punish me, and you ended up getting fired! That's a better punchline than I could have written myself!"
"It's not funny!" Aqua wailed, stomping her foot. "I'm a goddess! I'm not meant for this world of dirt and… and poor people! I need to get back!"
Kazuma, caught between the insufferable goddess and the insane mercenary, felt a migraine forming behind his eyes. "Wait, wait," he said, trying to piece it all together. "You two know each other? You're the one who reincarnated him?"
"He was the most disrespectful, annoying, perverted soul I've ever met!" Aqua accused, pointing at Deadpool.
"Hey, I resent that," Deadpool shot back. "I'm not just perverted, I'm an aficionado. A connoisseur. There's a difference. For instance," he said, his gaze drifting down to Aqua's feet, which were adorned with simple, strappy sandals. "I can tell from your choice of footwear that you favor breathability and ease of access, which likely translates to your choice in… other garments. Simple, elegant, probably light blue silk. Am I wrong?"
Aqua let out a scandalized gasp and instinctively tried to cover herself, despite being fully clothed. Kazuma just stared, horrified and vaguely impressed by the sheer audacity of the man.
"Okay, that's it. I'm out. This party is officially disbanded," Kazuma declared, turning to leave. "I'm going to go find some giant rats to kill by myself. It'll be less dangerous and infinitely less stressful."
"Wait!" Aqua grabbed his sleeve, her tears suddenly gone, replaced by a look of desperate pleading. "You can't leave me! I'm a powerful Arch-Priest! I can be a great asset to your party! I have healing magic! And support skills! And I can perform amazing party tricks!"
To demonstrate, she held out her hand and created a small, continuous fountain of perfectly pure, sparkling water, which she then began to arch into her open mouth.
Deadpool watched, intrigued. "Entertainment and a source of hydration. I'm starting to see some upside here." He then looked at her celestial raiment, a new, calculating glint in his eyes. "And she is a goddess. A real, bona fide one. Imagine the quality of the relics. The holy power imbued within the very fabric of her… unmentionables. They wouldn't just be trophies. They'd be legendary items!"
"ACQUIRE THE DIVINE PANTIES!" the yellow box shrieked in his mind. "THEY COULD PROBABLY ONE-SHOT THE DEMON KING!"
Kazuma paused. An Arch-Priest. A real one. Healing and support magic were incredibly rare and valuable. As much as he despised her, Aqua's skills were undeniably top-tier. A party with an unkillable tank and a high-level healer… even with their personalities, that was a combination that could actually work. He could hide behind both of them.
He let out another long-suffering sigh. The universe, it seemed, was conspiring to create the most dysfunctional, chaotic, and potentially powerful adventuring party in the history of the world.
"Fine," he grumbled, rubbing his temples. "You can join. Both of you. But I'm the leader. What I say, goes. No exceptions. And our first quest…" He marched back to the board and ripped the most pathetic-looking parchment off it. He held it up for them to see. "Is the toads."
Aqua looked at the quest description, her nose wrinkling in disgust. "Slimy giant toads? Eww. That's beneath a goddess of my stature."
Deadpool peered at the drawing of the toad. "Hmm. No feet, so no socks. And I doubt they wear underwear. From a loot perspective, this is a bust. I agree with Goldilocks here. Let's go fight the dragon."
"WE ARE FIGHTING THE TOADS!" Kazuma roared, finally snapping. "AND THAT IS FINAL!"
Deadpool and Aqua stared at him, momentarily stunned into silence by his outburst. He was breathing heavily, his face flushed.
Deadpool shrugged. "Okay, boss. The toads it is. But if I get slimed, you're buying me a new suit."
And so, the party was formed. A degenerate adventurer from Japan, a useless goddess from the heavens, and a chaotic mercenary from another dimension. Three deeply flawed individuals, united by a shared lack of better options, about to embark on their first, fateful quest. What could possibly go wrong?