Let me make one thing very clear:
I am not a fighter.
I am a gamer.
Which means I can explain the entire lore of a game… but trip over my own feet during a dodge roll.
So yeah, when bunny-girl Rina handed me a rusty short sword and said "Let's go fight goblins," my only response was:
"Is this sword... dishwasher safe?"
She blinked. "What's a dishwasher?"
Right. Isekai logic. No Wi-Fi. No Google. Just pain.
---
We reached the edge of Greystone Village, where a couple dozen nervous villagers stood guard with pitchforks, brooms, and sheer anxiety.
Off in the distance, little green figures were charging out of the forest.
Goblins.
Real ones. Not the cute kind.
They were fast, drooling, and screeching like someone unplugged their Xbox mid-game.
[New Event Triggered: Goblin Raid]
Wave 1 Incoming: 7 Goblins
Difficulty: Low… probably.
Warning: System Stability 84%
---
I gripped the sword with the elegance of a toddler holding a fork.
"Okay, Yuto," I whispered to myself, "just pretend it's a tutorial. You've done this in a hundred games."
[Random Buff Activated: 10s]
A blue light flickered around me.
[Buff: "Anime Speedlines" – You move faster. Everyone sees it slower.]
The world blurred around me.
"YOOOOO—"
I accidentally launched myself forward like a missile, missed the first goblin entirely, tripped over a rock, and flew into a bush.
HP -2.
Self-esteem -10.
"...I meant to do that."
---
The goblins screeched and charged.
Villagers screamed.
And then I remembered—my new glitch skill.
"Lag Clone!"
A delayed afterimage popped out of me like a ghost replay.
I swung my sword wildly at a goblin—missed—but three seconds later, my clone appeared and perfectly slapped the goblin's face.
[Goblin HP -9]
[Enemy Confused]
It stumbled, dazed. I took the chance and jabbed my sword forward—
BONK.
[Goblin Defeated! +12 EXP]
I looked at the sword. "...That worked?"
---
Another goblin ran toward me with a tiny club. I panicked and activated Sound Lag.
It screamed.
Then screamed again.
Then screamed again—five seconds later.
It froze in confusion, glancing around like it heard three of me.
WHACK.
My sword connected.
[Goblin Defeated! +10 EXP]
---
Bunny-girl Rina was slicing through two goblins at once with dual knives. She looked at me mid-spin.
"Not bad, glitch-boy!"
"Thanks," I huffed. "I think I'm inventing a new martial art: Lag-fu."
---
By the time the last goblin exploded into green mist, I was down to 1 HP, my sword was cracked, and my legs felt like pudding.
But I was alive.
And more importantly—
[Wave 1 Cleared!]
[Level Up! → Level 3]
[Skill Upgrade Available!]
[Reputation: Suspicious → Slightly Useful]
I collapsed on the grass, wheezing. "I earned that nap."
Rina sat beside me. "Wave 2's in thirty minutes."
I sat up like someone zapped me.
"Excuse me WHAT?"
---
To be continued...