— "I was angry, truly. But not at you. Christopher… he was my first partner. After my parents passed, one of the few feelings I experienced was freedom — freedom to stop pretending, to live as I wished. At least, that's what I thought then," Nathan said nervously, offering a faint, rueful smile. "A few weeks after the funeral, I returned to my fencing lessons. I noticed how Sir Bronte regarded me, and so, after one lesson, I kissed him… I felt I had nothing to lose. To my surprise, he reciprocated, and everything seemed as if he had been waiting for that very moment."
Alex felt a sharp pang in his stomach. He longed to know what had truly been between them, yet something gnawed at him, though he did not reveal it.
— "I was young and foolish. I thought I loved him with all my heart and wanted to be with him, despite the fact that he was merely the first. Two months later, he left for Italy, as he does now, for half a year. He left no note, no explanation, and upon returning, acted as if nothing had happened between us. I could not endure it. A month after our separation, I threw myself into reckless behavior — frequenting bohemian circles, sometimes finding myself in danger. Were it not for Sebastian, I might have ended in ruin or worse. I thought I was free to do as I pleased, to explore myself, to enjoy life. But in truth, I only lost myself more and more. Sebastian pulled me from ruin repeatedly over those years. I cannot even imagine how much he has suffered. Ophelia nearly lost her mind with worry as well. I caused everyone so much trouble."
Alex, seeing Nathan so vulnerable and open with him, felt his own eyes fill. He was utterly unprepared for such confessions from the man he loved. He had never known such a life, nor could he have imagined that it might have been Nathan's reality at some point.
— "It all changed one night," Nathan continued, his voice trembling, "when I was so drunk that I nearly allowed myself to be exposed in the house of a London artist… Sebastian intervened, dragging me to the carriage and delivering a slap I shall never forget. That moment sobered me, and I began to live more cautiously. Eventually, I withdrew completely for months, earning the reputation of a recluse. Yet I longed for warmth, and travel seemed my only refuge from recognition. But one companion after another only deepened the wound. The affair with Louis's wife in Paris became the last straw. I was so despondent that I scarcely recall returning to England. Ophelia's proposal was a lifeline — not from persecution, but from loneliness, for I knew she would always be by my side. Alex… I least of all wished for you to know such things about me. I fear I have spoken too much — forgive me. Yet, if you truly value honesty, here it is, laid bare."
Nathan did not dare meet Alex's gaze while speaking, but when he finished, he looked to gauge his response. Alex's tears flowed freely. Without hesitation, he threw himself into Nathan's arms, accidentally pulling him down onto the bush behind them. They paid no heed to the thorns or soil. Alex wept as though he himself had lived such a life, just now.
— "Alex, my dear… have I distressed you so? Forgive me, forgive me," Nathan murmured, pressing Alex's head to his chest, repeating the words like a prayer.
— "I… I love you so much, Nathan."
The Duke's heart skipped a beat.
— "I'm so sorry…" Alex broke down again.
Nathan could scarcely believe it. Tears streaked his own face — not from pain, but from the profound joy of being loved even after such candid confessions, which he had been deeply ashamed of, especially in front of Alex.
— "Does it hurt?" Alex asked, nodding toward the rose bushes where they had fallen.
— "I'm glad I dressed warmly today," Nathan replied with a faint smile.
They rose, noticing the Duke's coat had been torn.
— "Oh, God, forgive me!" Alex exclaimed.
— "Trivial," Nathan reassured, scooping him into his arms.
Together, they returned to the house. Dinner passed quietly, broken only by the occasional shared smile.
Alex felt he could not bear to part from Nathan, not even for a single minute that evening.
— "May I stay with you tonight?" he asked, timidly clutching the edge of Nathan's jacket as they stood at the Duke's chamber door.
— "Of course," Nathan replied, surprised yet tender, and opened the door for him.
The Young Lord was utterly spent. His muscles throbbed, his legs were heavy as lead after so long and a day filled with so many anxieties.
— "You may use the bath first. Sebastian has prepared everything," Nathan said, loosening his vest.
— "Could you… assist me?" Alex asked softly.
Noticing his hesitation, Nathan stepped forward and helped him with the buttons. Alex flushed, his hand coming to rest over the Duke's.
— "No… I meant… could you help me… there?" His glance betrayed the bath.
A sudden heat rushed through Nathan, yet he forced himself to remain composed.
— "Are you certain?"
— "Yes," Alex whispered.
— "Very well. Will you undress on your own?"
— "Yes," Alex replied softly, making his way toward the bath.
The moment the door closed behind him, Nathan pressed a trembling hand to his lips, overcome with a restless agitation. He shrugged off his waistcoat, remaining in shirt and trousers. The Duke summoned all his strength to keep from letting Alex feel even the faintest shadow of danger in his presence.
Nathan heard the soft splash of water.
He sunk into the bath.
The Duke swallowed nervously, rose from the bed, and made his way toward the bathroom. He paused at the door and knocked — so lightly, so uncertainly — that it was scarcely more than a whisper.
— "Come in," Alex answered.
Nathan pushed the door open with slow care. The Young Lord lay back against the bath, his head resting on the rim, the water turned opalescent by the milk.
Thank God Sebastian chose to pour in the milk tonight.
He took a few hesitant steps closer to the bath.
— "How may I help you, my lord?" Nathan asked quietly, standing beside him.
Alex felt he could not move a single finger; it seemed his body no longer obeyed him. He had no strength left for shame or modesty.
— "Would you help me reach my back?"
My God.
Alex slowly pushed himself upright in the bath, bracing his elbows against the rim to rise a little higher. His hips remained hidden beneath the water, yet the sight of his bare back and slender waist clouded Nathan's reason. The Duke took the sponge and began to draw it gently up and down.
— "Here, if you would…" Alex turned with care to face him.
Like an uncertain schoolboy, Nathan lowered his gaze, guiding the sponge from the centre of Alex's chest up to his neck. Then he turned to his arms, which the Young Lord obediently stretched forward before sinking back against the porcelain.
Through half-closed eyes, Alex observed him, finding it at once strange and faintly diverting to see the Duke so discomposed.
It seems that tonight I have lost all sense of shame.
— "I can manage the rest myself," Alex said with a faint smile.
— "Very well." Nathan rose, placed the sponge in his hand, and turned toward the door.
— "Wait."
— "What is it?"
— "Do not leave. I would rather not be alone. I fear I might grow faint in the bath and drown from sheer exhaustion."
— "I shall remain here," Nathan answered quietly, keeping his back to the room, unwilling to turn.
He lingered in silence, listening to the gentle splashing of water, his gaze fixed on the carved patterns in the wooden door. At last the sounds subsided; Alex had risen, and by the rustle and drip Nathan knew he had stepped from the bath.
— "Where might I find a towel?" Alex asked.
— "To your right," Nathan replied, his eyes lowered to the pale veining in the marble floor.
Alex wrapped the towel about his hips, yet a sudden weakness seized him, and his knees nearly gave way. Hearing the stumble, Nathan spun sharply around — only to find Alex had merely sunk into the chair where the towel had been set.
The Young Lord was almost completely naked, soaked from head to toe. Nathan pulled himself together and hurried to him.
— "Are you all right?"
— "I just felt utterly weak," Alex replied with a gentle smile.
— "Forgive me," Nathan murmured, lifting Alex into his arms. The warmth and moisture from Alex's body immediately seeped into his shirt. Keeping his gaze ahead, Nathan carried him from the bath and carefully laid him on the bed.
— "I will fetch your clothes and return at once," he said, his heart pounding. A minute later, Nathan returned with Alex's garments, placing them beside him.
— "I shall return to the bath. Do not wait for me; sleep if you can. I will be as quiet as possible."
The Duke undressed and sank into the warm water, aware that Alex had been there before, the thought sending a wave of heat through him.
After bathing, Nathan realized he had left his shirt in the bedroom. He entered quietly and found Alex still awake.
— "I thought you might have been completely exhausted."
— "I am," Alex replied. "I just wished to wait for you."
— "Lie at the other end; this side is wet," Nathan said with a smile.
— "That is my fault. I shall sleep here," Alex replied.
The Duke slipped his hands beneath Alex, lifting him gently to move him to the other end.
— "That's unfair! I cannot resist you!"
A dark, shameful thought flickered through Nathan's mind — swiftly banished. He merely smirked and said aloud:
— "Good night, rest well." Sitting on the bed, he leaned forward to kiss the Young Lord on the forehead.
In that instant, he felt Alex's right arm wrap around him, fingertips tracing a slow path up his back. Nathan smiled, withdrawing gently, only to see that Alex was too serious for amusement. He gazed at him with that lustful look he could never voice aloud. Breath caught in Nathan's chest, yet he refrained from action. He looked away, patted Alex's head, and lay down in his place.
It seems I may need to return to the bath later.
Suddenly, the bed creaked. Alex turned onto his side, wrapping his arms around Nathan, his hand trailing slowly over his beloved's stomach.
The Duke froze, holding his breath. Alex's hand traveled down along the collarbones, back to his stomach, dipping lower to trace the edge of Nathan's trousers. The Duke's patience snapped — it was unbearable.
He spun sharply, forcing Alex onto his back, and claimed him with a heated kiss. The Young Lord did not hesitate — he immediately reached down, letting out a soft gasp as he felt the Duke's tension.
Nathan groaned. He had waited far too long to restrain himself. Realizing the game Alex was playing, he reached down as well, surprised that his lover still had the strength for what was happening. Nathan moved his hand steadily up and down, breathing heavily into Alex's shoulder. The Young Lord mirrored him, moaning softly into Nathan's ear, driving him to forget his own name, the year, and even their surroundings. The sensations were so overwhelming that nothing else could hold their attention.
Release came for both at once. The lovers drew a final, shuddering breath, then continued to breathe heavily, struggling to recover.
After a minute, when Nathan could finally answer the question "What is my name?" he took Alex by the nape and whispered softly:
— "I love you very much too."
When he looked at Alex's face, he realized he had already fallen into a deep sleep.
In the morning, Alex lay with his hands over his face, recalling the events of the previous evening and marveling at what he had done while so exhausted. Nathan was still asleep, so he stole a glance at his beloved and, unable to resist, quietly returned to his own room. He resolved to let Nathan rest and hoped he would forget everything that had occurred.