POV Rio
I freeze as I connect the dots. The blonde hair, the dushbag look, the name. I was really hoping that this wasn't an alt-universe Constantine, as anyone who worked with or around him usually got badly screwed over. I motioned everyone not to touch anything and to stay outside the library.
"Huh? What's got you so stunned? Oh, let me guess, my looks got you stunned. I know, I know. You aren't the first person to fall in love at first sight. But I'm sorry to say I only sleep with the fairer sex," John says with an arrogant tone.
"Um, yes, well, can I ask you about this place?" I ask.
"Yeah, fine. This library was made a long time ago. It was originally made as a safehouse, but when it became clear we had failed, we decided to make it into a storage facility to keep some records for when we took the big nap," John said.
"Failed?" I ask.
"Yeah, we were the BPRD, which stands for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense. We were the guys who handled what went bump in the night. Vampires, Werewolves, Leprechauns, Demons, Fairies, etc, etc. Our job was to prevent the world from being destroyed by magic," John says.
"Magic? From what I understand, it was the Bombs that ended the world," I reply.
"Yeah, but it wasn't a random decision to start launching those weapons. Something or someone was controlling things from behind. I left this imprint of my spirit here to safeguard this library, but I wouldn't exist if my real body were still alive. So, since my body didn't come here, that means they failed to stop the magic user behind it all," John said.
"How can you be certain that a magic user was behind it?" I ask.
"I asked a Devil, obviously," John said as if that was perfectly normal.
"You what?!" I ask, surprised.
"I asked a Devil that owed me a favor. He had to bend the rules to tell me anything. Which meant the magic user had signed an agreement with the lord of hell at the time, Lucifer. Now that... That's not easy. Unless you're me. But either way, I couldn't stop what happened," John said with a cocky tone.
"Sigh. I'm going to ignore part of that statement. Okay, back to this place. What is stored here exactly?" I ask.
"The bookshelves mostly contain our entire knowledge base on every creature we have ever encountered and fought. It contains their abilities, strengths, weaknesses, and behaviour. There are also notes on how to make equipment to harm the various beings. Of course, there are also magic artifacts here. We also have records of those and other artifacts with the same kind of info that the creature guides have. They are stored on the bookshelf behind me. There aren't many, but well you get what you get. The pedestal I am hovering over is an old enchantment table. It can also be used to consecrate items, but you will need to use True Holy Water to consecrate things. And that stuff is a right pain in the @ss to make," John says with an annoyed tone, like he is remembering something.
"What's the book in the center?" I ask.
"Ah, that. That is the Thaumonomicon. It contains all the knowledge of magic that our group has ever gathered. I'm not sure how useful it will be for you, as it's meant to be used by humans. Humans have always struggled with Mana capacity, and the Thaumonomicon uses every last drop an average human has to be effective. It has rituals, wards, spells, cantrips, seals, and anything else a human could need when fighting the supernatural," John said with a slight smile.
"Hmm, that makes sense. Now what artifacts are stored here?" I ask.
"There are a few; most are weak. There is the Pearl Of Translucents. When held, it turns the user invisible. It doesn't make you impossible to find, just unable to be seen. And some creatures can see through the invisibility. The next is the Staff of Tentacles. It summons tentacles that have cloth and armor melting properties, but do nothing against flesh. Not too sure why, but that just seems to be the case," John says.
I raise my eyebrow at the staff.
'I should destroy that.'
"The next magic item is the Lantern of Revealing. It casts a beam of light, and anything within 30 feet of you is revealed, regardless of how they are hidden. The Lantern burns forever, so just close the hood to decrease the light. The next is... quite rare. It's a Cloak of Elvenkind made by the elves when they still existed. This cloak can hide the user from most beings. It's like having camouflage that constantly changes to match your environment. Even the lantern would have issues helping you spot some wearing it. The cloak is made of Mythril Weave, so it reduces the damage one might take from magic and simpler weapons. Low Low-caliber guns might not harm you at all when wearing it," John says.
'That's useful.'
"The next is simple but standard issue with any BPRD agent. The Ring of Protection. It creates a weak shield around the user that can save your life from one powerful attack or lots of weak attacks. Think of it like having a second set of armor. It won't save your life from something truly powerful, and you can't wear more than one of these rings, but it's still very useful. The next item was included because we haven't used it in over 100 years. They are the Horseshoes of Hermes. You put the four horseshoes on a horse, and they increase their speed massively. If a normal horse can go 30 mph, then these can allow them to reach 90 mph. They specifically triple the horse's base speed. Which now that I look at you... You kind of look like a horse. So was it your mom or your dad that f*cked a horse?" John asks.
I hear quiet laughter behind me and use my wing to flip off Cait and the others who are laughing. Then I ignore his question.
"Fine, don't answer. I admit I have slept with a Horse Demon before. She was... a unique experience. A bit more fit than Cow Demons. But equally large in the right places. Or at least close enough," John says with a fond look.
"For the love of god, please stop talking about this! I don't want to know about all the men you have slept with," I snap back.
"What? Oh! You b*tch, I didn't sleep with male demons. They were all females. With massive tits!" John says with an annoyed tone.
"Yes, yes, and I am sure they also had massive wangs," I say offhandedly.
"If I wasn't stuck as a projection, I would beat you little horse @ss right now," John says while flipping me the bird.
I respond in kind.
"Sigh. Whatever, back to what I was saying. The next is an artifact I nicked from a Siren way back when. Haha, she was soooo mad. But I guess my charm was just that good. But I couldn't sleep with her. Her sisters would've felt left out," John boasts.
I roll my eyes and wait for him to continue.
"Anyway, the item is called Siren Song Lyre. It has the power to charm others who hear the music it produces. It can create rainstorms as well if you play certain songs. There are all sorts of spells the Lyre can cast, but most of them are only known by those Sirens," John says.
"Hmm, I guess that sounds decent. Can it be used as a spell focus?" I ask.
"Yeah, but it's a little unwieldy. A wand is much more useful and easier to carry around. And you can make all sorts of jokes about wands. Like asking if someone is happy to see me or if there is a wand in their pocket. Gets them every time," John says.
'Dear lord, let's hope he doesn't start making Dad Jokes. Or was that a Dad Joke?'
"Now, the next artifact is the best artifact this entire place has. It has saved the lives of millions," John says with a dead serious tone and face.
I focus on what he is saying and eagerly anticipate what he will show.
"It's called... the Bottle of Boundless Coffee and Tea!" John says with a smile.
My face goes blank.
"My disappointment is immeasurable, and my day is ruined," I state calmly.
"What do you mean by that! This stuff gives the lifeblood for any department. And the stuff tastes pretty great. Well, as long as you mix in some gin, or whiskey, or vodka, or beer, or any booze really," John says with what seems like a genuinely offended tone.
"I don't like coffee, and I can't have Caffeine or alcohol," I reply calmly.
"Oh... Yeah, I don't want to be your friend," John responds before laughing at me.
I roll my eyes and wait for him to finish.
"Okay, okay. There are some actually really powerful things here. Only two, but they are pretty strong. The first is the Headband of Intellect. Makes anyone who wears it a genius. It does have a slight side effect of putting the user into a coma if they take it off, but the coma usually only lasts for a few days to a week. It also doesn't make you a great scientist. You can learn things much faster, but it oddly doesn't work with science as well as magic. Not to say that you can't use it to help with research, it just doesn't help as much. And it only helps you learn faster, but may cause some dissonance when you no longer have the enchantment affecting you," John explains.
"Usually?" I ask with a raised eyebrow.
"Ah, you caught that. Well, sometimes it causes permanent comas. It seems to be caused by having weaker willpower, or if the increase is too massive. The headband increases a user's Intelligence to a preset value. I think Vault-Tec said it would be 15 or 18, something like that," John says.
"So don't put it on an animal or a mentally challenged person," I reply.
"Exactly, the dumber the person, the greater the change, the larger the backlash," John responded with a nod.
'Makes sense.'
"Now for the last item. This one's the strangest. Honestly, we have no idea where it originated. Nor how it can be so strong. All we can say is what its name is. And that was only thanks to a stupidly complex ritual. It's called the Truth Talisman of Tonatiuh. Anyone who wears it must speak the truth and is compelled to answer any question asked. As far as we can tell, there is nothing that is immune to the enchantment. Even Lucifer was scared of wearing it. I have used it quite a few times, and it has been in the BPRD's possession for over a century before the Great War," John says.
"You keep mentioning Lucifer, are you referring to the fallen angel?" I ask.
"That nonsense? No, that was made by Lucifer to make humans willing to worship him and his other identities. He's been messing with humanity since 1000 BCE. Most religions were started because the magical side of the world needed to make humans fear them to gain faith energy. There have never been any angels. Gods sort of existed depending on your definition. Christianity was sort of created by Lucifer to organize a more organized structure to gather faith energy and to steal it from other magical creatures. But none of that matters anymore as all of them are dead or close to it," John says.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Lucifer died a few years before the Great War. Apparently, Hell was invaded by some weird... creatures. All I know about them is that they are dangerous and they used to have a few cults on Earth. They still might have a few, but I don't know. I don't even know what the rest of the world looks like now. As for the magical creatures. They were near extinction a decade before the Great War. Once the big kaboom came, I highly doubt many of them survived. Magic and Radiation don't mix well. We learned it's almost as lethal as silver for Werewolves or Iron for Fairies. I guess some of the more adaptive species may survive," John says.
"I did run into a Vampire in Boston," I comment.
"Huh? In Boston? Must be a member of the Makriar Clan. They are the only family that operated out of there," John commented.
"I dunno, I kind of killed him while he was sleeping," I replied.
"Let me guess, he was sleeping in an old catacomb or burial site," John said with a knowing smile.
"Yep," I reply.
"Yeah, sounds about right. I hope you collected the ashes he created when he died. Those are powerful alchemical ingredients. And speaking of those, you can find all the alchemical and magical ingredients on the left bookshelves. That about covers everything. Any other questions? Good," John says before disappearing.
I don't wait around and start taking everything. I don't leave anything behind. I even take the bookshelves as they are made out of pure mahogany. They would make great conversation pieces.
'I think that's what you call them.'
Once I have everything, I leave after thanking John for his help. But it seemed like his spirit was only waiting around to pass on the knowledge before he could enjoy his eternal rest. Or at least I hope that was the case, but it isn't impossible that his soul went to hell, where he is still suffering.
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Author's Note:
Yeah, he wasn't the John Constantine, more like an altered version. Most of the artifacts were based on D&D items with similar or the same names. I wanted to give another lore drop. (Am I using that right?) But I also didn't want to give everything away. Coming up is a bit of a time skip. Until next time, Ciao.