Author's Note: As the title says, this chapter is not canon, technically. It was just a fun chapter I had been wanting to write ever since I thought of the mirror portal.
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POV Rio
'Okay, here goes nothing.'
The power enters the mirror, and I hide behind the massive magical shield, expecting another explosion, but after bracing for impact, I take a peek at the mirror and see it is working.
"HOLY PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY BATMAN, I DID IT!" I scream with excitement.
My first test had to be done for safety, so I entered the mirror. That was where everything went wrong.
(AN: Imagine the painting sound effect from Super Mario 64.)
I exited the mirror and found myself in an extraordinary place.
"Is that window... drawn on?" I say while examining the window.
The window was literally drawn onto the wall with what looked like a crayon. Before I could get more confused, I noticed I wasn't alone. I looked down and saw a small red... puppet? Muppet? Doll? I wasn't sure what to call it, but it was someone I recognised.
"Uh, hello?" I say.
"Hi I'm Elmo!" Elmo responds.
"Uh, nice to meet you, Elmo. My name is Rio. Can you tell me where I am?" I ask.
"You're in... ya da da! Elmo's world! Hahaha!" Elmo responds with kazoos in the background.
I tried to locate the source of the sound, and that was when I realised something. There was no mirror.
"Uh, how do I get out of Elmo's World?" I ask.
"Elmo doesn't know," Elmo says while shrugging his shoulders.
"Ooookay..." I reply.
I look around and realise I made a big mistake.
"Oh!" I go to say a curse word, but I see Elmo and don't finish that word.
"Sssugar," I say.
It was at this point that I heard the sound of knocking. I looked around and found the source. It was a solid oak door in the middle of the room. I walked around the door as the knocking continued until it seemed the person on the other side started ringing a non-existent doorbell.
"Girl Scout cookies!" the voice says.
I raise my eyebrow at such a suspicious door, but I realise I don't exactly have much better options, so I relent and answer the door. When I open the door, I see someone I recognise as a Vault-Tec sales rep.
"You can't begin to know how happy I am to finally speak with you. I've been trying for days. It's a matter of utmost urgency, I assure you," the stranger says with a grave tone.
I try to look past them, but each time they block me.
"I don't want Girl Scout cookies. If you could just move, I would like to leave," I reply.
"Now, I know you're a busy fellow, so I won't take up much of your time. Time being a, um, precious commodity..." The sales rep says, but I just ignore him and try to move past him.
I struggle for a second, but then I get to see what's behind him. It was an RV... Speeding right at us!
I jump away from the door as it gets annihilated by the RV.
CRASH
As I recover, I hear the door of the RV open, and I see the most strangely misshapen human I have ever seen. His head was almost this size as the rest of his body, and his torso was a nearly perfect sphere. His head was also very strangely shaped.
"Good morning!" says the stranger.
"Uh? Good morning?" I reply.
"It's nice to finally meet you, Rio! You're next on my list!" the man says.
"List? And how do you know my name? And who are you?" I ask with apparent confusion.
"Why, I'm your Uncle Grandpa! And the list is of everyone I needed to meet. I missed you last time and had to swing by after I saw Robin and the others. See!" Uncle Grandpa says while showing a list with some characters I knew from my past life.
"I... Uh... What?" I said with utter bafflement.
"Don't worry, kid, this chapter isn't canon," UG responds while suddenly wearing a pair of sunglasses.
"I... Sigh. You know what, I won't even try and think about this. It's giving me a migraine, and I didn't think I could get those," I say with a deadpan tone.
"You got yourself into a real pickle here. But luckily for you, I got just the solution!" UG says while putting his hand into his fanny pack, which I now realise is a living thing.
UG pulls out a purple... crayon.
"I got this handy dandy Purple Crayon that I definitely didn't steal from a kid," UG says while avoiding eye contact and sweating profusely.
"That's an oddly specific denial. But okay, what does it do?" I ask.
"Whew. It makes anything you draw come to life. All you need to do is draw a door to home, and it will get us back in a jiffy," UG says confidently.
"Uh, okay, you sure it's that simple?" I say skeptically.
"Yeah, just give it a try," UG says encouragingly.
"Sigh. Okay, here it goes," I say while drawing a door.
The door shines for a moment and then comes to life. I was a bit shocked that it seemed that easy, but just in case, I opened the door carefully.
CREEEEEAAAKKKK
"You'll get your rent when you fix this damn door!" says a man before slamming a door shut.
I look from left to right and realise this isn't my house. So I just slowly shut the door, but the creaking gives it away, and they all just look right at me. It turned out the door was indeed badly in need of maintenance, as it got jammed and wouldn't close. It took so long that even Peter Parker came out and looked at me with confusion.
"Ehem, sorry, ignore me, please. Wrong house, wrong house," I say as the atmosphere gets more and more awkward.
Finally, I close the door and look back at UG.
"Wrong door," I reply.
"Hmm, let me try," UG says while taking the crayon and drawing a door.
The door settles, and he opens it, and I instantly hear a heavy metal guitar riff as well as see some red light coming from the doorway. Then I hear the sounds of a chainsaw and gunfire.
SLAM
UG slams the door and starts to cross out the door and destroy it. I look at him with confusion, and he avoids eye contact.
"Definitely wrong door!" UG responds.
"Um, okay," I say while taking the crayon and walking away to make a new door.
"Whew, I think he believed me," UG says.
"Good thinking, UG," Belly Bag responds.
"Yeah, I almost spoiled... Hey, why are you focused on us! Look back at Rio!" Uncle Grandpa says while staring at a man recording what he is saying.
The man and the author both look behind them and then point at themselves.
"Yeah, you! Go on! No spoilers!" UG says with a no-nonsense tone.
They both dejectedly leave and look back at what Rio was doing.
Meanwhile, Rio was looking more and more confused at what he was hearing from the conversation.
"Did... He just break the 4th wall?" I asked myself.
I shrug my shoulders and focus on drawing the next door. This one opens much more easily, but it was definitely not the right door.
"Don't they know I'm busy spoiling myself? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Squidward screams in terror as I walk in on him bathing.
"OH GEEZ SORRY WRONG HOUSE!" I say while slamming the door shut.
I destroyed the door by crossing over it and sat there wondering if this darn crayon would even do anything good. It was at this point that Elmo approached and asked if he could try.
"Sure, why not?" I say with a shrug.
Elmo draws a door and opens it, and at first, it seems fine. No awkward meetings, house invasions, but that changes fairly quickly as a group of flowers starts growing out of the ground in Elmo's World. I shut the door and see what these flowers do. And they started singing.
"We are such happy flowers~
We will now sing for hours~
Aren't we unbearably cute?~
Watch me solo on this flute!~"
"SIIIIIIGHHH. Great. Just great," I say with a long sigh.
'At least Elmo is enjoying it.'
Elmo was dancing and singing with the flowers.
UG takes the crayon and decides to give it another chance. He draws a door, and when it opens, we are instantly accosted by a rotund man with a baseball bat.
"You picked the wrong house, fool!" Big Smoke says, and I slam the door shut.
I take the crayon and decide to give it one more shot. This time, the door opens to a sunny day, and I walk out thinking everything seems normal.
"Wassup, can a loc come up in your crib?" a man asks from behind, and I turn around to see Lamar Davis from GTA V.
"Uh, well, this isn't my house, and I don't think you should be around someone as innocent as Elmo. You kind of curse a lot," I reply almost reflexively.
"Ah, b*tch, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, b*tch! Maybe if you got rid of that old yee-yee ass haircut you got you'd get some bitches on your dick. Oh, better yet, maybe Cait'll call your dog-ass if she ever stop f*ckin' with that brain surgeon or lawyer she f*cking with... B*tch!" Lamar roasts.
"Wh-what!?" I reply with utter bafflement.
Lamar walks away, but I don't let him get off that easily.
"And you're the one to lecture me?! Man, you can't even pull off a simple job without messing it up or having to call Franklin to bail you out. You come here and try and roast me when you're out here trying to be a gangster, but the truth is, you couldn't even rob someone without somehow messing it up. Come back when you can pull off some real jobs," I reply.
"Oh, the little man thinks he bigger than me because he got magic an sh*t. B*tch, if I wasn't busy, I would show you how we do it here in Los Santos," Lamar responds while flipping me the bird.
I respond in kind and leave this crummy world, thinking I would never see him again.
(AN: I couldn't write it out completely, as you know, I refuse to use that bad word. But I couldn't resist wanting to set up a good joke later. )
I was done using the curse crayon as I was certain it wouldn't help at all. So I gave it back to UG so Elmo didn't go wild with it. Apparently, he didn't get the memo, as when I returned from investigating the rest of Elmo's World, I found a dozen different doors crossed out. And UG was opening a new door. I heard the sounds of partying and something about it being someone's birthday. But when I heard the next voice, I ran for the door to shut it. But I was too late.
"Did someone say PARTY!" Says a pair of voices that I knew would only cause more chaos than the lord of Chaos himself.
"D'oh!" I yell in response.
The two visitors were a Pink Pony and a man in a red and black suit with twin katannas behind his back. Pinkie Pie shouts with surprise when she sees me. Or more specifically, my wings and horn.
"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!" Pinkie says with literally shining eyes.
"Oh, wow, I'm in a fanfiction! Where's the woman with the massive bazonkas and the male protagonist with black hair and black eyes? Or if the author feels especially Aryan that day, blond with blue eyes," Deadpool says with a massive grin.
"Sigh. Kill me now," I say with no energy left in me.
"Come on, Rio, don't be so glum, it's my Birthday, the least you could do is look happy to see your favourite character," Deadpool responds.
"You are not even in the top 50. You might barely make it into the top 100, if you're lucky," I reply.
Deadpool covers his heart, and his eyes go wide.
"Ugh. I'm hurt. I thought we had something special. I was going to let you be top this time," Deadpool says with his usual tone.
"Hey, Author, watch it! Don't make me come up there and use the Continuity Stone!" Deadpool, the brave and glorious, said with a deep and masculine tone.
"That's better," Deadpool says while lying on the ground next to Rio.
"So, is it true Unicorn pussy tastes like Skittles?" Deadpool asks seriously.
"Sigh. Ask Pinkie Pie," I respond.
"I tried, but she just laughed it off as a joke. But I really got to know. You see, I like Skittles, but I don't think I like them more than the taste of your mom," Deadpool explains and then goes into great detail on an encounter with my mother, although I don't have one.
I stare off into the void and channel my inner wallflower. When I snapped back to reality, Deadpool and Pinkie Pie were gone, and I was covered in streamers and other random junk. Deadpool super-glued a note to my forehead saying they had to go as they had a radio interview with Lightbringer Radio.
'RIP DJ Pon-3.'
Despite the super glue being ACME Super Unbreakable Gorilla Glue™, it didn't stick to me, thanks to my perk of always being pristine. As I got up, I started helping everyone else clean up when I heard the sound of buses. I looked up, and I saw Lamar driving a bus full of random characters. The buses stopped, and everyone started to disembark and surround me.
'Oh no.'
What followed was the biggest lesson in Roastology I had ever received. But it at least ended the nightmare I was stuck in as it roasted me into oblivion.
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Don't worry, it's not over... Here is the Radio interview mentioned. I just wanted to mess around in this chapter, but the next chapter will be back to normal.
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POV DJ PON-3
The sounds of a kazoo, bagpipes, then a rubber duck squeak and a chainsaw revving up.
"Uhhh… folks? I don't know what's happening right now. My door just exploded open in a shower of sprinkles and… is that a chimichanga?!"
"Surprise double guest episode!!!" Pinkie Pie shouts with glee.
"YEP! It's your favourite pink ponk and the merc with the mouth, here to absolutely derail your otherwise lovely radio broadcast!" Deadpool joins in.
"Celestia, help me… How did you two even get here?" I say while pinching the bridge of my snout.
"Plot convenience!" Pinkie responds nonchalantly.
"Same way I get into every universe, irresponsible writing and an aggressive disregard for continuity," Deadpool responds helpfully. (Not) (Watch it, Author!)
"Okay. Fine. You've got five minutes. What do you want?" I respond.
"To spread laughter and cupcakes to every sad, dusty soul in the Wasteland!" Pinkie says gleefully.
"And I'm here to find the guy who owes me 200 caps and a glowing ghoul foot massage," Deadpool says cheekily.
"Of course. So, uh, how do you two know each other?" I ask.
"A Multiversal deathmatch on my Birthday," Deapool responds.
"And every time I break the fourth wall, he's right there! It's like we're besties separated by copyright!" Pinkie replies.
"What are your thoughts on the Wasteland?" I ask.
"Too many sad ponies. Not enough party cannons," Pinkie says slightly sadly.
"Needs more explosions. And fewer morality systems. Also, you guys need a better fast travel system," Deadpool says while messing with the radio equipment.
"What advice would you give to the folks trying to survive out here?" I ask.
"Even if the world looks like it's in pieces… laughter puts the pieces back together. One giggle at a time," Pinkie says with calm sincerity.
"And when it gets real dark out there, remember: sometimes the best way to deal with trauma… is to be just crazy enough to smile through it," Deadpool also responds somewhat sincerely.
"...Huh. That was actually kind of beautiful," I reply with a surprised tone.
"Don't get used to it. I'm morally flexible," Deadpool replies cheekily.
"Hug break!" Pinkie shouts.
Squee
"Okay, that's it. Before reality collapses in on itself, any final words?" I ask.
"Tell the Wasteland I said 'hi' and that I'm not legally responsible for anything I left behind. Especially not the laughing landmines," Deadpool jokes, or at least I hope he is.
"Smile, everypony! And if you hear polka music in the middle of the night… It's probably me, giggle," Pinkie says with that infectious laughter.
With a pop and a snap, they vanish in a flash of pink fog and comic-book panel transitions. The booth creaks. A kazoo plays itself.
"This is Lightbringer Radio. I need a nap, and maybe a drink," I say softly.
"Please don't summon any more dimension-breaking weirdos while I'm off-air," I say before turning on the next song.
(AN: Play Y.M.C.A. if you are interested; otherwise, this is the end of the chapter. See you next time. )
"Young man, there's no need to feel down, I said
Young man, pick yourself off the ground, I said
Young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy
Young man, there's a place you can go, I said
Young man, when you're short on your dough you can
Stay there and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time!"
~~~~~~~~~
As the song starts, people appear out of nowhere and start dancing to the YMCA song.
~~~~~~~~~~
"It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything for young men to enjoy
You can hang out with all the boys
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal
You can do whatever you feel!"
~~~~~~~~~
"Young man, are you listening to me? I said
Young man, what do you want to be? I said
Young man, you can make real your dreams
But you've got to know this one thing
No man does it all by himself, I said
Young man, put your pride on the shelf
And just go there, to the Y.M.C.A.
I'm sure they can help you today!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything for young men to enjoy
You can hang out with all the boys
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal
You can do whatever you feel!"
~~~~~~~~~~
"Young man, I was once in your shoes, I said
I was down and out with the blues, I felt
No man cared if I were alive
I felt the whole world was so jive
That's when someone came up to me and said
Young man, take a walk up the street
It's a place there called the Y.M.C.A.
They can start you back on your way!"
~~~~~~~~~~
"It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything for young men to enjoy
You can hang out with all the boys!"
~~~~~~~~
"Y.M.C.A., it's fun to stay at the
Y.M.C.A.
Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down
Young man, young man, get yourself off the ground!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Suddenly, everyone from the story appeared and started doing the YMCA dance. Even characters not from the story were present, like Rick Sanchez, Josephi Krakowski, Billy Mays, Beerus, Monika, and many others.
~~~~~~~~~~
Y.M.C.A., it's fun to stay at the
Y.M.C.A.
Young man, young man, are you listening to me?
Young man, young man, what do you wanna be?
Y.M.C.A., you'll find it at the
Y.M.C.A.
No man, no man does it all by himself
Young man, young man, put your pride on the shelf
Y.M.C.A. and just go to the
Y.M.C.A.
Young man, young man, I was once in your shoes
Young man, young man, I was down with the blues
Y.M.C.A., it's fun to stay at the!"