I was sure life would get better after graduation. I'd be away from the bullies, from the kids who ignored me, from the teachers that acted like I was some delinquent to be ignored.
Everything after the accident felt so chaotic and out of place. Nothing seemed to fit anymore, I felt like I didn't have a place in this world, like I was supposed to die in that accident.
While everyone else went off to university, I decided to divert for a year and travel the world.
"Traveling is a must! You absolutely HAVE to explore and see the world. Embrace cultures, taste wonderful cuisine, definitely, everyone should do it." That was something I heard more often than not.
I guess right after graduation is the perfect time to do it, during a time of growth, when you are passing on to the next stage in your life.
Say goodbye to your old one, and see what's out there. What kind of person do I want to become? What resonates with me?
The beautiful scenery and the fact that none of these people were ever going to see me again, made me feel like I had such an emotional reset.
No one was mean to me, but it wasn't like I got a lot of attention either. I don't know, it was kind of nice to just "be".
Once I was taken out of the situation where I HAD to interact with these people, the fact that they didn't seem to pay any mind to me didn't feel so lonely, it felt a lot less isolating.
So, after one year, I returned home, refreshed and renewed, ready to take on the world and become "me".
My parents weren't there to welcome me back, they were busy as usual, but for some reason, this time, I didn't feel so bad about it.
I began looking and researching universities. I liked Sweden the best, I wanted to go there, so I applied to those first, hoping that somehow that would raise my chances.
A dumb little ritual, I guess.
My mom and I had always spoken about going to uni when we would watch movies and t.v. shows. I remembered she'd always say, "It's important to apply to many, because there's a chance you could get rejected. So when you apply, just apply everywhere. Don't worry about the costs."
So that's what I did, I applied pretty much everywhere. My grades were decent – of course they could've been better if I was able to work in groups and wasn't harassed so much, but nothing I'm not proud of. As much as I was ignored, I didn't GET in trouble myself. I never had a detention, I was never scolded, I didn't have to come in during lunch to serve a sentence.
My permanent record was free of any blemishes. These schools would be LUCKY to have me.
Yet…..months went by and I didn't hear anything back from them.
I bit my lip nervously as I checked the mailbox again.
Empty.
Did...I apply to too many? Maybe mom and dad couldn't afford the application fees.
I shut my eyes tight, my face wrinkling in frustration.
How rude of me. I never even asked about the financial situation. I just assumed since both of them were working and had gotten promotions, income would've increased…..that we'd have more money.
I didn't think it would be an issue….I should've checked.
For a while, I wasn't sure what to do.
Maybe….they were just delayed? Yeah, maybe that's it.
I ran to my room to check the computer, but there was nothing there. No word from any of them.
"UGH!" I yelled in frustration as I pulled out my phone.
Mom and Dad never picked up the phone anymore, they never texted either. Trying to get a hold of them through this method was near impossible and I was sure I was setting myself up for more frustration, but what other choice did I have?
I turned my phone on and sent a message to my mom.
"Hey Mom! Sorry to bother you, but I applied to a bunch of Universities and I didn't hear anything back. No rejection, nothing. I should've gotten something by now. Can you let me know if the fee payments went through or not? I'm sorry for not asking before. Just let me know, thanks! Love you <3 <3"
Right after I hit send, the message popped up red.
"I'm sorry. Your message could not be delivered. Tap to try again?" Came up at the bottom of the screen.
I furrowed my eyebrows and tapped it again.
"I'm sorry. Your message could not be delivered. Tap to try again?"
I huffed out through my nose and tapped it a second time.
"I'm sorry. Your me-"
With an angry grunt, I exited out of my messaging app. I'd just have to try and call her.
I pulled up my mom's contact and tapped on the green phone icon.
"I'm sorry. Your call cannot be completed because your service has been disconnected. Please contact your provider for assistance."
My eyes widened in shock.
DISCONNECTED?!
What….I graduated from High School and they just disowned me? Not so much as a warning? What if something happened to me? What if I got into another accident and I needed to contact them?
They should've left me a note or something! When did they even disconnect it?
Had I traveled around the world without a phone service?! How dangerous!
This had to be some sort of mistake...my parents weren't the kind to endanger me over something like this!
Or…..or maybe they were…..? Maybe…..that's why my applications didn't go through…..they've decided to just cut me off.
No more cell phone service, no money to apply to university...I guess my travels were the last thing they were willing to pay for.
I burst into tears and buried my face in my hands.
For that year abroad, I felt free again, I felt like I was living again, but now…..now that I'm back home…..why do I feel so alone again….it's like this feeling of dread lingers...