I stood frozen in front of him, my fingers trembling so violently I could feel the tremor run all the way up my arms. The room was too quiet, too heavy, as though even the walls were holding their breath. He already knew what I knew that much was obvious in the way his eyes refused to meet mine, in the slight twitch of his jaw as he tried to compose himself.
"Tell me it's a lie."
The words tore from my throat, cracked and sharp, as I tossed the journal at him. It spun once before hitting the floor with a dull thud, pages splaying open, Kairo's name glaring up like a wound that refused to close. His eyes followed the journal down but didn't dare linger. When he finally raised his head to look at me, his mouth opened but no sound came out. His eyes flickered with too many emotions fear, guilt, something darker, something I couldn't name.
"Zayden…" My voice broke from the sob I tried to swallow, but it rose anyway, catching like glass in my throat.
"Kairo didn't…" The word died before I could finish it. Suicide. I couldn't say it. My brother's name and that word didn't belong in the same sentence.
Zayden took a step forward, his hand twitching as though he wanted to reach for me, but I stepped back. Even the fear in his eyes felt like a betrayal. I tried to compose myself, telling myself I was strong, that I could ask him for the truth without breaking.
"How did he die?" My voice cracked, raw and unsteady. "Did…?" The rest of the question dissolved into another sob. My hand clutched at my chest as though I could hold my heart still, as though I could keep it from tearing apart.
"Explain his death to me," I cried. The sound didn't even feel like my own voice anymore.
He moved closer again, instinctively reaching to comfort me the way he always had, but I shook my head in protest. I didn't have the strength to step back again, but I couldn't bear his touch either.
"How did my brother die? And why was he killed?" The words came out in gasps, my breath hitching as my chest tightened with pain.
"They…" He paused, his eyes pleading with me, silently begging me to let him stay silent. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. Not now.
"They forced him to take the drugs…"
Every word was a knife driven straight into me. My knees went weak. I saw Kairo in my mind scared, alone, suffering. Did he know? Did he feel it coming? Did he cry out for me? I shook my head hard, as though I could shake the images away, but they clung to me, sharp and vivid.
"You knew," I whispered, my voice trembling. "You lied that you forgot. You made me believe he did it."
I hated Zayden in that moment. Hated the selfishness of his silence, the way he had let me carry the weight of guilt and grief alone.
"Did you think being nice to me would make you less of a sinner?" I hissed. My words came out like venom.
He shook his head, shoulders slumping like a child being scolded. His tears spilled freely now. He wiped at them aggressively, his face contorted, but his head stayed bowed, refusing to meet my gaze.
"I didn't mean to hurt anyone," he whispered, the sound hoarse and broken.
"Kairo was killed for you," I whispered, the words shaking as they left me. Saying it aloud felt like ripping open a wound.
"How did you stay by my side knowing what you did?" My voice cracked again, softer now, almost a plea. I thought he loved me. I had been so stupid, giving my love to him like a gift, only to find it was built on a lie.
He didn't answer. He just cried in silence, head bowed in shame. I took a step back, then another, my hand finding the doorknob as if on instinct.
His panic was instant, wild. "Don't leave me, okay? I want to make it up to you. I can fix...."
I slapped him. The sound cracked through the room like a gunshot, silencing him. His head jerked but he didn't look fazed, not even angry. His hand shot out and clamped onto my arm, the grip like a vice.
"Stay away from me." I yanked my arm free, my voice low and dangerous. Then I turned and ran.
Because for some insane reason, if I stayed if he grabbed me again and looked at me with that panic in his eyes I knew I would break. I would hug him and promise him heaven and hell, like I always did. But Kairo came first. My brother came first.
And for the first time, I wasn't going to choose Zayden over the truth.