Ashen stood there, silent, while she clung to his shirt like a lost kitten.
His throat tightened. He tried to say something—anything—to erase even a sliver of the pain he'd caused.
But nothing came out.
His mind blanked, leaving only the heavy weight of guilt gnawing at his chest.
Like maggots in his soul, summoned by his own conscience to pass judgment on the sinner responsible for all this.
Part of him wanted to lash out.
Wanted to throw the blame on Lucia.
She was the one who kidnapped him.
If not for her, he wouldn't have vanished.
If not for her, none of this would've happened.
His family wouldn't have broken.
He wouldn't have had to endure that place, with death licking at his heels every second.
'No…'
The dark thoughts rose… but he crushed them before they could bloom.
He couldn't blame anyone but himself.
If he hadn't fallen so far, if he hadn't let himself rot, Lucia never would've targeted him in the first place.
Even Cornelia said most of the recruits were lowlifes.
And being a lowlife… That was his achievement. No one else's.
Besides… what was done was done.
Throwing a tantrum, shifting blame now… it'd just be pathetic. Even for him.
So when he finally opened his mouth, only two words made it past the lump in his throat:
"I'm… sorry."
❖⛧❖
A taxi came to a halt in front of a modest house, its doors clicking open to let Ashen and Lapis step out.
Ashen paid the driver and followed Lapis up the familiar path. He stole a glance her way—only to find her fidgeting like a bundle of nerves.
She clenched and unclenched her fists. Bit her lower lip. Kept sneaking glances at the house like it was a lion's den and not their family home.
"Why are you so jumpy? Don't tell me you got into another fight with Mom," he teased, hoping to break the tension.
"Ah! Don't speak so suddenly!" Lapis jolted and spun toward him, glaring. "You scared me!"
He raised an eyebrow and both hands, giving her a deadpan look. "Relax. I was speaking normally. You're just so deep in your own head, a sneeze would've sent you jumping."
"Well! Whose fault do you think that is?" she snapped, frustration slipping through. "Every time you come home, you and Dad get into it."
She paused, then added with a sigh, "Or, more like—he does all the yelling while you just stand there acting like it's beneath you."
Ashen nodded slowly. "So you're worried today's just going to be another repeat of that mess?"
Surprisingly, Lapis shook her head. "No. If it were just that, I wouldn't be this anxious…"
Her face darkened, voice turning quiet. "Even before you disappeared, Dad's attitude whenever your name came up was… colder than ever."
Ashen winced, remembering that phone call. The one where his father screamed that he should vanish and never come back.
"Yeah," he muttered. "That one."
"Yeah," Lapis echoed, tone sharp. "And you can't really blame him after what you did."
Her expression dimmed, voice dropping to a whisper. "Even I still get goosebumps thinking about the day I heard you played Russian roulette…"
Ashen froze mid-step.
"...Lapis."
She looked up, startled by the solemnity in his voice. He rarely spoke that seriously.
"I'll never do anything like that again," he said firmly, voice steady. Every word was carved with conviction. Real conviction.
Her eyes widened slightly. Then, slowly, she nodded.
"...I'll believe you, brother. Like always. Just…" Her fingers clenched his shirt. "Please. This time… don't let me down."
Her voice cracked. Her eyes turned glassy. It was the voice of someone begging, not for a promise, but for the truth behind one.
Ashen placed a hand on her head, gently stroking it.
"I won't," he whispered. "Besides, if I were to die, I'd rather it be protecting you, not from some stupid game in a back alley."
"Ugh… don't say stuff like that! You're not dying," she huffed, lips pulling into a pout.
"Right, right. Not dying." He gave her a lopsided grin. "Now come on, we've lingered outside long enough."
She nodded, following along, but curiosity tugged at her again.
"You don't seem nervous," she muttered. "Did you cook up some genius excuse to get yourself off the hook?"
Ashen shook his head. "I am nervous. Scared, even. But compared to everything I've put all of you through… I don't think I have the right to feel that way."
They reached the front door. He raised his hand and rang the bell.
"Even now, for all I know, Mom's still worried whether her bastard of a son's alive or dead. The least I can do is show up and let her know I'm okay."
"..."
"No matter how much yelling or guilt I have to deal with… and no matter how much a part of me wants to just run away…"
He turned to her, smiling faintly. A smile too wry to be happy, just a mask holding back the storm.
"If I can't even do this much… I don't think I deserve to be called human anymore."
Lapis stared at him, really stared, only now realizing how much weight he carried beneath that easygoing shell. The guilt. The grief. The quiet resolve.
She opened her mouth to say something, anything, to ease the burden…
But the front door creaked open, and the moment slipped away.
When the door fully opened, it revealed a well-built man. He was tall, almost as tall as Ashen.
His hair also mirrored him, just a bit shorter and ruffled up from lack of care. The look in his pink eyes was dull, as if it had seen too much.
It only momentarily shone when it landed on the figure of Ashen standing at the door.
The weary stare on his face that even his unkempt beard failed to hide gave way to surprise and then morphed into intense fury.
Lapis held her breath, bracing herself for the upcoming rage.
A second passed, then another, and another… but the man unexpectedly held himself back.
"Hans, who is at the door?" A sweet voice came from inside the house, making the three of them flinch for a second.