PSIA INTERNAL FIELD REPORT - EYES ONLY
TO: Director Yamamoto
FROM: Agent K. Takahashi (Field Designation: "The Scrambled Sensei")
DATE: [Redacted]
SUBJECT: Mid-Mission Update & Sanity Review: Operation Transformative Tastes
1. MISSION STATUS: Operative remains embedded at the Osaka Culinary Academy. The "Takahashi Paradox" has mutated beyond all reasonable projections. My culinary incompetence is no longer being overlooked; it is being worshipped as a new philosophical movement.
2. KEY DEVELOPMENTS (Abridged for Brevity & Sanity): A failed attempt at a French omelet, which resulted in a sad pile of scrambled eggs, was declared a "work of postmodern culinary art" by the academy's most feared instructor, Chef Morimoto.
The brutal shredding of a daikon radish has been officially christened a new knife cut: "The Takahashi". I am now, against my will, the inventor of a vegetable preparation technique.
A catastrophic failure to create a soufflé, resulting in a dense, chocolate puck, was hailed as a "foundational cake" and a "meditation on gravity". There is now a rogue pop-up stall in the courtyard selling unlicensed versions of my failure for an exorbitant price.
A student-led organization, "The Society for Culinary Deconstruction," has been formed to study my "teachings". Their primary activity appears to be misinterpreting my pained expressions as Zen koans.
3. THREAT ANALYSIS: The Ouroboros connection is confirmed. Agent Sato has recovered a vial containing an unregistered neuro-chemical compound, "Cerebralax-7," from the trash of the primary target, Chef Ayame. The subject's top student, Suzuki Ren, is exhibiting classic signs of the compound's effects: suppressed creativity and docile, flawless execution. My "victory" over Ren in the Flash Challenge appears to have created a glitch in his programming, causing him significant psychological distress.
4. OPERATIVE'S MENTAL STATE: I am becoming a danger to myself and others. I am no longer just a spy; I am a reluctant, fraudulent messiah for a cult of aspiring chefs. My legend is growing beyond my control. I have students asking me to bless their whisks. I fear the day they ask me to turn water into wine, as I will almost certainly turn it into some form of undrinkable, wine-flavored scrambled eggs.
5. RECOMMENDATION: This mission is a psychological meat grinder. The Takahashi Paradox is a weapon of mass confusion that is causing significant collateral damage to my own sanity. Requesting immediate extraction, a full psychiatric evaluation, and a mission where the primary objective does not involve performance art.