Chouma Akimichi was a gourmand. He loved everything to do with food, and whenever a new eatery popped up in Konoha, Chouma was the first to rush over and try it. In his clan he was the authority on all things culinary. If a clansman dreamed up a new dish, the very first taster and critic was usually him.
"If Chouma-san says the food at that place isn't good, neither I nor my wife and kids are going," people in certain Akimichi circles liked to say.
As a man in his prime, his favorite dishes were, of course, mostly meat. But recently he'd discovered that bread and baked goods didn't have to be eaten separately from meat delicacies. McDonald's was like a breath of fresh air for Akimichi cooks.
Everyone started experimenting. A 24-hour braised pork burger, a charcoal-grilled burger, a seafood burger - the list could go on forever. In bars the burgers were especially popular - perfect for stuffing an empty stomach. Yet, no matter how hard his clansmen tried, somehow McDonald's burgers stayed more popular.
Chouma understood why they were annoyed. The burgers his people made tasted far better than the ones at that place. But as a foodie and a critic, he also knew taste wasn't the number-one reason for McDonald's popularity.
*It's the atmosphere...* Chouma reminded himself yet again as he stepped into what had become one of his favorite haunts. McDonald's was a place for families or for people who wanted to grab a quick bite and be on their way. The Code Playground out in the yard made that obvious.
There were hardly any restaurants in Konoha where parents could eat in peace while their kids romped - except McDonald's. The color palette of the interior, the staff's uniforms, the children laughing outside the window - together they created a cozy, unique vibe people came for, whether as a family or alone.
"Next." The man ahead of Chouma stepped aside with a ticket, and Chouma - smiling broad as a sunrise - took his spot at the counter in front of the cashier.
"Oh, Chouma-san... I'm happy to see you! What will you be having?" the girl asked, a touch of fluster coloring her cheeks.
Besides the atmosphere and the perfectly decent food, there was one more reason Chouma came here - the girl in front of him. For reasons he couldn't quite explain, she'd plucked a few strings in the heart of a big, lonely man.
"And I'm very happy to see you again too, Amiki-chan. The usual." Chouma's "usual" meant three chicken burgers, three beef burgers, fries, a portion of nuggets, and a mixed-berry mojito. He handed over the amount by heart. Another perk of McDonald's was that the prices hadn't changed since opening - a fact that delighted all the regulars.
"Oh, Chouma-san, I almost forgot. Would you like to try our new service?"
"New service?" he asked, surprised.
"Yes, it's called home delivery. If you want, you can order from home and our courier will bring it right to your door," the girl explained briskly.
"That... I'm interested. But how would I actually place the order? I don't have a telegraph at home. And even if I did, I don't know how to use it." The seasoned shinobi immediately guessed the most likely method for ordering from home.
"Oh, no-no, no telegraph needed - and no carrier pigeons either," she giggled, pulling a scroll from beneath the counter. "Here. With this scroll you can place an order at our restaurant. It comes with instructions. The scroll is 1,500 ryō."
*1,500? That's a bit steep for something I'll only use to order food...* But Chouma's curiosity was piqued. He really wanted to see how the thing worked. That very evening he decided to try McDonald's again - only this time via their so-called delivery.
He'd already read the instructions, so now, still a little skeptical, he began to write neat, print-perfect characters in ink exactly as the format required.
To his surprise, the order he wrote vanished after three seconds. He'd written: "1 B.B, 1 B.C, 1 M" - shorthand for one beef burger, one chicken burger, and one mojito. He also added his name and address.
Then Chouma flipped the scroll over and waited.
*It probably doesn't work. Maybe it's some kind of prank?* he thought, but to his amazement, characters began to appear on the scroll.
"Order received, please expect delivery within 40 minutes."
"Bijuu damn me! This scroll can actually send and receive messages?!" Despite the words, Chouma still couldn't quite believe what was happening. For forty minutes he did nothing but pace circles around the house, peeking out the window at the path to his door every five minutes.
*Forty minutes have passed... heh, it really was a prank.* He was about to sit down when there was a knock at the door. He jumped up like he'd been jabbed with a senbon and rushed over. Sure enough, a boy of about thirteen stood there with a bag in his hands.
"Hi..." Chouma greeted him uncertainly, not quite sure how to act.
"Hello, you ordered from McDonald's, right?" the boy asked with a smile.
"Uh... yeah. How much do I owe you?"
"With delivery - that's 200 ryō - your total is 758 ryō." The kid pulled a slip from his pocket and read it off.
"Right... just a second." Leaving the door open, Chouma headed into the kitchen, grabbed his wallet, paid, and took the bag - which indeed contained two burgers and his drink.
Ten minutes later, rubbing his quite content belly - which hadn't exactly been empty even before the boy arrived - he lounged back on the sofa, finishing the last of his drink.
*There you go, my fellow clansmen - the reason McDonald's is so popular... they create comfort and convenience you can't copy,* he thought, recalling the restaurant's atmosphere - and the scroll.
****
Home delivery wasn't new to Konoha's residents. Many shops, if a customer placed a large order they couldn't carry, would offer to help bring it home. But no one in this world had ever seen "order without leaving home" before. Not many were willing to pay 1,500 ryō for a scroll they'd never heard of, but those who bought one and were happy with the service quickly spread the word to all their friends about the marvelous scroll.
News of a scroll that could transmit an order to McDonald's made its way just as quickly to the top brass. Which is why, at this very moment, a young woman from the Konoha Research Center's Cryptanalysis Department had been summoned to the Hokage's office. Despite her youth, Shiho had risen quickly to department head - decoding valuable intercepted messages and information was her team's mandate.
"So... with this scroll you can... order McDonald's?" the girl asked, baffled, turning the thing over in her hands.
"Correct," nodded the Hokage. "At McDonald's, one of the staff receives orders from several scrolls and relays them to the kitchen. Then runners pick up the food and deliver to the listed addresses. But as you understand, that's not what interests me."
"You want me to decode the scroll," Shiho concluded at once. Reverse engineering fūin was also on her list - a way for the village to obtain useful sealing schemes developed elsewhere and repurpose them.
"Yes, if possible," the Hokage nodded, not eager to reach out to Akira - or possibly to Kushina - right away.
The girl got to work on the scroll: she took out ink and a brush and began writing something on the reverse side. A heartbeat later, the scroll incinerated itself instantly, leaving not a trace on the desk where it had flared. Even the papers nearby seemed untouched by the flame.
"Forgive me, Hokage-sama, but even if we do manage to decrypt a scroll like that - which I very much doubt... understanding the underlying principle will be impossible. I can't even begin to imagine how it works," she said with a shrug, brushing ash off her lab coat.
*Yes... whoever created that scroll isn't a fool. The moment I tried to tamper with it, it self-destructed. Fine. Let them worry about decryption - others can try to figure out how it works,* the Hokage thought, then immediately ordered ANBU to purchase as many of the scrolls as possible.
And Akira, learning the next day that every scroll had sold out instantly, burst into loud laughter.
"Idiots. Even if you rope in the entire Nara clan, you won't learn anything that matters. The server with the important data and protocols is with me - and even Kushina, a fūinjutsu master, didn't fully grasp it," Akira thought, creating six clones and sending them straight to the basement to crank out new scrolls.
Luckily, client scrolls weren't that tedious - five minutes apiece - so he wasn't about to bother automating the process yet. The thr - ahem, clones - cut off from his mental feed could easily make 500 of them overnight. That was plenty for the restaurant, where over the last five days a record 30 scrolls had sold in a single day - not counting today's promo.
All week, in his spare time, Akira had done nothing but refine SwiChakra. He wanted this project to prove to himself he hadn't spent four years smoking in front of his university for nothing - or gone to retakes on that Cisco course three times for no reason.
Unfortunately, his options were limited by this world's tech level. By trial and error, and with six clones at his side, he more or less figured out how to packetize and transmit information using chakra frequencies. Unlike radio, chakra wasn't hindered by concrete walls, steel frames, or other materials.
But the transmission radius was limited. If cell towers could cover up to 10 km, chakra in Konoha let you maintain a link between two nodes only within about 3 - 5 km. Past 3 km, latency ballooned; past 4 km, packets started dropping. In principle, that was good enough for Konoha.
The only people who might struggle would be those living up near the walls of the northeast district. Also, connections got flaky at night - as if chakra density dropped with the sun.
All in all, I am freaking awesome, he rated himself with satisfaction.
Leaving the clones to it, Akira took a scroll from the shelf in his bedroom, set it on the table, and began to write. Not long after, the scroll gave a little buzz. He flipped it over quickly to read the reply:
[My day's great, Akira. I was just about to head out for groceries.]
For people he wanted to reach anytime, he'd created separate scrolls linked to a different database. Even though one scroll could contact Kushina, Mikoto, and Ayumi at once, he didn't plan to mass-produce those. The sending format for the uninitiated was a bit finicky - you had to start your message with a uniquely formatted recipient number, i.e., their IP. On the reverse side, you had to read those addresses carefully to see who the message was from.
[02931. Excellent. How about a little walk together? P.S. Don't wear panties.]
Sitting at home and waiting for Akira's answer, Kushina turned bright red when she got it.
"He... wants to do THAT outside?" The moment the mental picture flashed across her mind, Kushina covered her face with both hands.
By nature she was a bold woman, and in her past relationship with Minato she'd allowed herself a couple of very intimate gestures in places where someone might notice - but to be clear, those "very intimate" gestures had been kisses, nothing more.
Society as it stood frowned on open displays of affection. No self-respecting girl would kiss a boyfriend or husband in front of witnesses. At most, only where there was absolutely no one around. Akira's suggestion was like throwing boiling water into ice-cold glass.
*He's insane!* Kushina decided - and immediately shared that very insight with Akira.
[Don't worry. I know a park where the trees are tall enough that no one will spot us by accident.]
"Aaah?" Kushina flushed even deeper as the imaginary scene now included specifics. The moment her hand slipped between her thighs, she realized that with or without Akira's request, something needed to come off.
They agreed to meet in the western park, and each started getting ready to head out.
When Akira checked himself in the mirror for the fifth time, he came to a sobering conclusion.
Shit... I've been spending way too much time around women. I've even picked up some of their habits. When I first got here, I was ready to shave my head - and now, after a shower, I spend half an hour on my hair and even match my hair tie to my kimono. This is not good... When was the last time I hung out with just the guys? I need to fix that.
He started thinking through who he could sit down and drink with - and inventing a pretext. The picture wasn't pretty. He didn't really have male friends. Maybe a couple of acquaintances - but not friends.
Okay... I never threw a housewarming party. I can still fix that. Now to pick who to invite for drinks at my place... Homuri, sure, though he's not much of a drinker. Shikaku - I should. I've been to his house, but I've never invited him over. That's just wrong. Through him I can ask Inoichi and Choza... still a small crowd. Ah! Gai. He definitely won't say no, and I kind of owe him for helping me with the training regimen. And let him drag Kakashi along.
Only, Kakashi definitely won't come to some stranger's place just because... bait required. What does Kakashi like?
For some reason only one thing came to mind - Jiraiya's Icha-Icha books.
Erotica... You know what, I could try writing that. Way easier than a novel with deep plot. All right then - I'll go invite Shikaku, Homuri, and Gai personally. I know where to find them. We'll set the drinking night for a week from now.
Decision made, Akira stepped out of the house.