Hachiman's Perspective
"Look, I already told you I'm not going to make a run for it. Can you let go of my arm now? It's cramped, it's awkward to walk, and frankly, my limb is not your personal body pillow."
"Denieeed!" C.B. chirped, tightening her grip. "This is your official penalty for not paying enough attention to me! You're lucky I'm settling for this—in a fair world, I'd have made you princess-carry me all the way to the Student Council office. You should be thanking me for my restraint!"
"You've got a twisted sense of gratitude," I muttered. "Wait, was that the plan? You were actually going to make me carry you all this way? That sounds more like a penalty for you than me. My stamina is basically non-existent."
"Oh? In that case, maybe I should carry you—?"
"Don't you dare, you idiot. I'll actually jump out of a moving window to escape that... though you'd probably just catch me before I hit the ground."
"Then we stay like this ♪"
For those of you just joining us, I am Hachiman Hikigaya, and I am currently being escorted—read: abducted—by Mr. C.B. I have no idea why I'm being hauled to the Student Council, but according to my captor, 'Rudolf is waiting.' Which, quite honestly, tells me nothing. We went straight from my dorm to the office. I haven't even had time to take a breath. I haven't done anything wrong, and I'm not even technically the trainer for these two. So why is this my life?
Note to self: I need to start practicing social distancing with C.B. specifically.
(Translator's Note: Hachiman, you know as well as I do that distancing yourself only makes them chase you harder.)
"Hey, Hachiman," C.B. said, her eyes narrowing as she glanced at me sideways. "You aren't thinking about trying to 'socially distance' yourself from me, are you?"
"...Of course not. If I did that, I can already see the future where you just stick to me even more. Not happening. Never."
"Hmm. Good."
Close one. Does she have ESP? No, she's just weirdly sharp about things that don't matter.
"Alright, we're here," C.B. announced.
"Finally. Now, let go of my—"
"Hmm?"
"Let go of the arm."
"Mmm-mm?"
"...Fine. Whatever. Do what you want."
"Yay! Don't mind if I do ♪"
Remember this, everyone. Acceptance is key to survival. My motto has always been: 'If pushing doesn't work, just give up.' There's no point in wasting energy on the impossible.
Creak...
"Rudolf! I brought Hachiman over to play!"
"...Ah, Brother. You've returned. Welcome back." Rudolf looked up from her desk, her expression softening instantly.
"Yeah, I'm back. Also, C.B., did you just say 'to play'?"
"Eh? Yeah. Did I stutter?" She looked at me with total innocence.
"Rudolf," I said, gesturing to the girl currently fused to my side. "There is someone in your office who thinks this is a recreational facility. How do you want to handle this?"
"C.B.," Rudolf said, her tone taking on its usual authoritative weight. "The Student Council office is not a playground. I trust you haven't forgotten the gravity of our responsibilities here?"
"So rude! I know that," C.B. pouted. "It's not like I'm going to start doing wind-sprints in here. Relax."
Then what are you planning? I looked at Rudolf. Her ears were pinned back slightly—a clear sign she was losing her patience. Or so I thought. Who can honestly decipher the logic of someone who brings a 'guest' into a workspace just to 'play'?
"Then what exactly do you propose we do?" Rudolf asked.
"That's easy!" C.B. beamed. "A nap!"
Rudolf and I spoke in unison: "...Huh?"
"A nap! I don't know if you've noticed, Rudolf, but you're severely lacking in downtime! Mostly because Hachiman was gone! And as for me, I want to sleep. Specifically, I want to sleep on Hachiman's lap! It's his fault for ignoring me, so he has to be the pillow. And finally, Hachiman is exhausted from his long trip, so he needs to rest too. Therefore: Nap time!"
...What is wrong with this girl?
"Listen, I only understood about half of that logic, and I'm pretty sure the other half is—"
"Motion passed," Rudolf interrupted. "The plan is approved."
"Wait, what?"
"We shall implement it immediately." Rudolf stood up, her movements decisive and efficient.
"Rudolf, wait a second, what are you—"
"To the sofa! Let's-La-Go! ♪"
"Don't 'Go' me! Don't I get a vote in this!?"
"Mm... yeah. This is the spot. This lap is definitely the best ♪ I think I might be falling for you even more, Hachiman. Don't you think this was the right call, Rudolf?"
"Indeed... this is quite remarkable," Rudolf murmured. Her voice was uncharacteristically airy. "Simply resting my head against Brother's shoulder... the sense of security, the sheer euphoria... it's quite addictive. You were right, C.B. I suppose I was more fatigued than I cared to admit. I still have much to learn about self-care."
Her ears were pressed flat against her head in total relaxation.
"Yeah, yeah, glad you're both having a grand old time," I grumbled. "Meanwhile, I'm effectively pinned and can't move an inch. How do you explain this part of the 'penalty,' oh Great Architect of Naps?"
"Mmnngh? I tol' you... it's 'cause you were gone..." C.B. mumbled, already drifting off.
"Madam President?" I appealed to Rudolf.
"...Recovery is the priority right now," she whispered, her eyes already closed.
You're just a pushover! Where's that legendary dignity, President!? Where's the 'Gallant Emperor' everyone talks about!?
"Brother... don't be so stiff," Rudolf said softly. "Learning to relax your shoulders is a vital part of the job. Rest is a form of work, too."
"Rich, coming from the girl who couldn't take a break until five minutes ago," I sighed. "Also, it's hard to relax when I'm the sole support beam for two Triple Crown winners."
"Then... just... shh... g'night, Hachimaaan..." C.B. breathed.
"I shall take a short rest as well, Brother. Goodnight."
"...Seriously, what am I supposed to do with this?"
The result? I wasn't allowed to move until they woke up. For three solid hours, I sat in the exact same position, killing time on my phone. Why? Because Rudolf had my arm in a death-grip and C.B. was using my legs as a mattress. I thought about waking them up, but the thought of the "Triple Crown Grumpiness" that would follow made me reconsider.
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