Hello everyone,
IndeedisismesoObey!
I don't usually write in first POV, but every here and there I'll be using it. Don't forget to join my discord when you can!
Thanks
+-+-+-+-+
I've been asked once when I was a child if I had a goal in my life that I could proudly declare, whether it was becoming a global billionaire, a super handsome guy that all types and varieties of women would fawn over like dogs in heat, a muscular guy that could crush a sedan with his biceps like those bodybuilders on television, or at least even get a girlfriend, or if not, get married and live a happy life.
The thing was, I never did have, and I don't think I would ever have a goal in my life. Not when I was younger, not even now, when I am an adult.
Personally, I think it's laughable how people had been tricked by their own ego into thinking their life means nothing if they had no goal. It was part of the shallowness of being the creature called 'human.'
The mind has quite the methods of trying to register any sort of goal, even if they were insignificant, to make one feel valued, even if they weren't. People would shamelessly boast about their achievements, while in reality, it was nothing more than an inferiority complex or insecurities.
If that counted, then I truly daresay that I have a goal in life, and that is 'Nothing.' Literally, nothing as a goal seemed like quite the appetizing idea.
Narcissists may seem to have high self-esteem, they really don't, all they wish for is approval, even if it meant going to incredibly far levels such as manipulation. People despise narcissism, but really, that is the epitome of hypocrisy. Even if one dared not to state it clearly, every human was a narcissist in a way or other.
"Sigh... I'm going off my topic. My handsome voice is making me shiver in delight," I spoke earnestly. I myself was a narcissist to a degree, yet I didn't show it; I was a master at masking my emotions.
As for my face... a man can dream, can't he? I wouldn't say I am handsome, but my face is above average. If there is something that stood out though on my face, it would be my pitch-black inky eyes.
It's more than just one or two times that I've seen people afraid of me because of my eyes. In fact, it was the reason for my unemployment in the first place.
Was I an otaku, like those transmigrating web novel protagonists I had read when I was younger? Not even close. Not a workaholic. Not an alcoholic. Not a drug addict. — Haha… weird trajectory, right?
I just couldn't bring myself to hate anything in this world. My past was basically a sob story, but it didn't affect much of my life.
It's as they say, no one is a virgin; life fucks everyone regardless. Heh, I wonder if life had a sexuality in the first place to fuck everyone equally?
No matter.
The question is.... do I hate life?
"Not really, I can't bring myself to hate it."
Then... do I really want to live?
"No?" I tilted my head at the paradoxical thought.
But it's not like I wanted to die either. Maybe just exist. Not even a side character, not a spectator, just exist.
Fishing my hands into my raincoat, I grabbed a rectangular box from my pocket, swiftly opening it with my left hand, before pausing for a moment, my fingers hanging in the air.
My listless eye quietly and tranquilly observed the only rolled cylinder left in my cigarette box, a tired sigh escaping my lips.
My index and middle finger swiftly grabbing hold of the cigarette as if I had done the same motion hundreds of times before, I placed it between my upper and lower lips, slowly breathing in.
I leaned my hands on the rails, observing the breathtaking view of the city without much reaction. The cigarette still dangling down my lips, the scent filled my nostrils as I gazed up to the cloudy skies from the skyscraper.
The truth was, I had gone to many psychiatrists as advice from my friend when she had seen how pessimistic I had been.
She had tried helping me in every way possible, but I was never enthusiastic about it. I went along with her, yet I did not get diagnosed with anything at all.
Not even anhedonia, which caused me to raise my eyebrows in disinterest at the time.
Sigh.. memories I say, memories.
Ruffling my glossy black hair, my dark eyes closed for a moment in peacefulness at the beautiful weather. The truth was I had never liked sunny days, always finding solace in more quiet weather like when it was raining, snowing, or... just cloudy like today.
I pulled the cigarette out of my mouth, breathing out the thin curl of smoke, and savoring the taste of cheap tobacco, recalling my life that brought me to this moment.
In the sheer peacefulness of the situation, an annoying vibration came from my pocket. At first I ignored it, but the more my pocket kept buzzing as if notifications were flooding my screen, I dipped my hands in my pocket without even bothering to look.
Hm....
With a click to the right side of my phone, my phone's screen flashed brightly. Unlike everyone around me, when I decided to choose a background for my phone I couldn't decide on anything as my mind was completely blank, and so I decided to just get a wallpaper of rain raining on a green, lonely hill.
Ah, so lovely.
Inputting my twelve-digit password that was a mix of letters, symbols, and numbers, I quickly arrived at my homepage, as I checked the notifications I had received.
Oh... I completely forgot today's mission.
Taking my cigarette that had shrunken considerably off my lips, the red-orange glowing embers flying in the sky, I double-clicked my phone screen and waited for a few seconds before clicking again.
My phone was no doubt quite an old phone that I had purchased off the marketplace from an old man who had scammed me online; I had just turned twenty-two, and I had no one to celebrate my birthday with me. I was unemployed, so I couldn't even purchase something for the occasion.
A few seconds passed and my phone was still not responding, frozen as if it had somehow ended up in the ice age.
"Huh, I wonder how long it'll take you to kick the bucket," I muttered in impatience.
Shaking my phone a few times seemed to have done the job since my phone started loading my daily mission of a game I had found by chance on the recommendation of a friend.
The black, familiar loading screen.
[Legends of the Thronebound Everfall: Edition IX]